Lions...

March comes in like a lion...

It's roaring, snarling, prowling.
Bringing things like stress and cancer and moving and work and play and busy and missing loved ones and aging and memories.

But I will try to focus on March going out like a lamb, the lamb who laid down his life for me and holds me still. Shalom.

Peace...

 If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.  

~Mother Teresa

September 21st is known as International Day of Peace. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981, "Peace Day should be devoted to commemorating and strengthening the ideals of peace both within and among all nations and peoples…This day will serve as a reminder to all peoples that our organization, with all its limitations, is a living instrument in the service of peace and should serve all of us here within the organization as a constantly pealing bell reminding us that our permanent commitment, above all interests or differences of any kind, is to peace"  

Peace day is an important day in my book, a day to unite and make strides towards peace within the world, our cities, our neighborhoods, our families and our homes, but September 21st holds a special place in my heart for a few other reasons. 

September 21st 2010

 "The Lord has given life to a sweet little boy on this day of Peace. Strong lungs and a thick head of hair, ready to face surgery tomorrow" -ckb 2010

Sweet baby Gabe is two! A walking, talking, bright eyed and funny little person. My heart overflows with love for his sweet family, and with gratitude to my amazing God. 

Gabe's Poem

(written on his first birthday)

Ask me what peace is and I will tell you

Peace is the Steady Beat hiding behind the whooshing sounds 

Peace is Faith beyond what the tests reveal

Peace is found in prayers full of tears 

Peace is the sound of that first squealing cry

Peace is in healing and heading home

Peace is Hope at each small twitch of little feet

Peace is the feeling of you in my arms for the first time

Peace is that sweet baby smell I can never seem to get enough of

Peace is the power of seeing you stand

Peace is the blessing of watching you grow

Peace is what I feel holding you tonight, 

one year later

bigger 

stronger

Peace is a toddler who rests deeply

unaware of the tears that glisten in sun-bleached hair

who still (barely) fits in my lap.

To read more about the amazing Gabe click here 

*****

September 21st 2010 

"I cannot find the peace in the reunification of a baby, who was abandoned at the hospital, nameless, motherless, who became loved, named and cherished..." -ckb 2010

September 21st also reminds me of how sometimes finding peace with a situation can be tough. My heart was broken two years ago by the fb message telling me that my baby would never be mine. 

I have come a long way since then, my heart still feels the connection to her, and sometimes my arms still ache to hold her close and feel her tiny heart beat against my chest. But, I am finding the peace that I could not find two years ago. I am holding tight to the promises of the God who is holding her. 

and although the image brings tears to my eyes and a hurt deep in my soul, I can almost picture her, two years old, spunky and sweet, long jet-black hair, piercing auburn eyes, laughter like sunshine... Running into her mother's arms.

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” 

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Ending…

I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  ~Gilda Radner

Rope of Hope

A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken

Nor will the roots that have been planted 

in the soil of Hope be uprooted

"Well Done" -TDJ

Here is Mercy...

Each year, the week before Spring Break. The chapel CD is released. This year's edition is tiled "Here is Mercy" (A track written by Joshua Banner) It is a different kind of CD then in the previous years. It still speaks and portrays the vision of the college: Growing World Christians in the Soil of Hope, however, this one feels different. Maybe it is because of David and Emma. Maybe because of the past year's events. Maybe, maybe, it is because this is what we need...

Besides my favorite Kwake Yesu and Desert Song...

Oh You Bring (hillsong)

VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honour
All glory
All praise to You

In LOVE...

With This

Intense

Silly

Sweet

little guy
<3>

I am amazed by the awesomeness of God as I sit listening a to lullaby CD, watching this sweet little guy sleep peacefully on the baby monitor. I am in awe of his sweet personality. I feel so blessed to have the awesome responsibility to care for little Trygger. To be a part of his life. His life holds so much in store for him. He has AMAZING parents, genuine, compassionate, lifetime learner parents who have been such an influence on my life and continue to be.

I cannot help but get a bit excited and antsy for the life I long for to begin as I sit in this cozy house in my favorite city, surrounded by books of the faith, with a tiny cloth diapered baby upstairs and a big 'ol dog by my feet. This is what I was created to do, to love babies, to care for them, to live deeply...

For now, though, I will close the computer, pull out the text books and begin to study for exam week, striving to be content with where I am now in the journey... Growing in the Soil of Hope

Thankful Thursday: for the Life of...

Stephin Joseph Saenz-O'Brien

July 22, 2003 - April 04, 2009


With Hope (SCC)

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Yours (SCC)

I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Somthing that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry

Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is

I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find

And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything
It's all Yours

And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize

That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything

It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God

The glory is Yours, God
All the honor is Yours, God
The power is Yours, God
The glory is Yours, God

You're the King of Kings
And Lord of Lords

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours

It's all Yours, God
My life is Yours, my heart is Yours
My hands and my feet are Yours
Every song that I sing
It's all Yours, all is Yours
All belongs to You
Our gifts are Yours, God
All our dreams are Yours, God
All our plans are Yours, God
The whole earth is Yours, God
Everything is Yours

Thankful Thursday Main Blog

Powerful...

The best 4 minutes of television ever.
The ultimate loss...
The highest praise...

Lord, that we may be able to praise you like that...
every day of our lives

Jane Elliott

I was blessed to be in the presence of a powerful woman. Jane Elliott The 3rd grade teacher who created the Blue eye/brown eye experiment the day after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. She told her students with blue eyes that they were stupid, lazy and incapable of success. Her brown-eyed students were brilliant. She said that she saw in 15 min. a child with Dyslexia learn to read on grade level, and a bright child who read at a 6th grade level stutter while reading aloud. As a blue-eyed person herself, she realized how angry it made her that for the first time people had to obey her, but not respect her.

She discussed, ranted, yelled, growled and teared up discussing violence against women, rape, homophobia, racism, ageism, and ethnocentrism. She declared herself a B*%@# and was proud of it. She told the men that just because they had the ability to harm a woman that didn't make it right to "take a cold shower, take lots of cold showers, jump in a lake, drown yourself, but keep it in your pants"

She brought up a white man and a black woman, she asked them about power, the man said his height gave him power and his sex gave him power, the woman has no power. She brought up that the end of "America the Beautiful" says, Land of the free (pointing to the man) and the home of the brave (pointing to the woman) The woman admitted to sending out her children each day knowing what kinds of intolerance and just pure hatred that they would experience each day because sof the color of their skin.

She gave a lot to think about, she is against abortion for herself and homosexuality for herself, but she says we should leave other people's bodies alone.

Mrs. Elliott used feminine pronouns for God, which was really interesting to see since I am in a theology class about Christian feminism. (To clarify my views on this is that pronouns help with the relationship aspect of God, bringing him closer, but also take away from the magnitude of the mystery of God, think how the Jews did not call God by a name. God is not boxed by strictly male or female qualities. God-language to me can be either, both or none (he/she/or just God)

She talked in statistics, commanded attention from the community members and college students, with her 4ft10in frame towering above us. she was rough, and real and angry. I loved her! I love how Hope College a conservative liberal arts college in the middle of Reformed church land is integrating more liberal aspects, allowing the community to be exposed to different ideas and form our own opinions, because many of the students grew up in this land of Western Michigan and many more in communities like this and have no exposure to different opinions.

Please continue to pray for Stellan, Richard, end of the year final stuff, summer situations, and for me to figure out how to get back to the Phils soon!

Salamat po! (Thank-you in Tagalog)

Misc.

I have been thinking for a while on how exactly to blog this, The past few weeks have been good, but trying. I am drained, yet have kept up my spirits. I have been doing brave things, not everyday, like I am supposed to but I am getting better. During this time of *minor* stress there have been a couple of things that have really helped.

Walking Frally: Frally is my former RD's (Resident Director) dog. She is spunky and full of energy, she is still a puppy so is naughty, but doesn't care. She makes me smile and getting out in the cold, and sunshine helps me to think and unwind. I can walk off-campus and not be a college student for a little while. I can think about decicians I need to make outside, where I can't get emotional about them. I get to see JKK, who is such an inspiration to me.

LJ Sundays with J: Studying at Lemonjellos (LJs), a fair-trade local coffee shop, is good. Sipping a Chai Tea and listening to music, surrounded by people studying and conversing is good. It is almost holy, in a sense, it is community, which is what we are supposed to be as humankind. And J pretty much rocks, she is so strong and yet allows herself to be open, she listens well, and i have learned a lot from her.

Refocusing: Refocusing my attention on the task at hand has become easier. I am not dwelling on my thoughts and letting them overtake my mind. I am able remind myself when I get stuck in the "worst case senario" frame of mind, that the "what-ifs" are only ok , if a soultion is found quickly. I don't let the wheels keep turning for no reason as much anymore. And I am begining to trust more in myself that if the "worst case senario" happens, I am perfectly capable of figuring out the soultion when and if it happens.

Dancing: We dance in my cottage. It is good. If you drive/walk by at night you might see us. Please don't make fun of us if you do.

"Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." ~Author Unknown
"Stifling an urge to dance is bad for your health - it rusts your spirit and your hips." ~Adabella Radici


Overall I have been more adventurous, trying new Chai Tea drinks, going to the SAC movies, listening, paying attention to the little things, connecting, pondering on a new level. I am realizing what it means to be a child of Hope and what "Growing World Christians in the Soil of Hope" means. I am getting old. Please pray for me.

Power...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Marianne Williamson

We tend to loose sight of just how powerful we are. We have the power to make of break someone's day, to serve, to use, to lift up and tear down others.

To speak, to live, to breath...

What are you going to do with your power?

Ponderings...

I am in a strange season of life right now. I can see the ways I have grown, and the ways in which I still need to grow. Some areas are flowering and others need to be pruned back as they are withered.

I pray differently. I am past the Sunday School answers. I see the grays and am overwhelmed by the light that He shines in this dark world. I am studying harder. Listening better and shutting up more. I am learning to let go and move on, yet holding on tighter than ever to what I need to. My life depends on this ability to let go and hold on. I am old. My plans are loosening up and I nearly have the courage to commit.

I am still holding back from doing things I love, or think i might love. I still feel the pressure to do what i am "supposed" and to ignore the pull of my heart. To be truthful, it is safer to do what i am supposed to do. To keep telling myself i could never be brave enough to jump in head-on. I have gotten in this popular mindset that there must always be a plan -- a good plan. That you are better off being safe. I am tired of being safe, yet my soul trembles at the thought of the "unsafe".

I surprised myself today in being O.K. with news i received, that came as no surprise. I expected this and as God has proven time and time again I will be ready when the time comes.

That is quite a concept too, being ready when the time comes. We worry and groan about changes in the future, when it is inevitable... yet when it is time we are ready, deep down inside we are ready, whether we admit it or not.

Tomorrow are Tuesday's memorial "waggie rides"

Sweet Abby is in the hospital in pain, struggling to beat the cancer that is beating up her little body

And well, I don't know... Babies are not supposed to hurt or die, but when they do... is there ever a point in which you are ready?

Will there be a point when i say YES and do what my heart seems to want to do, even though it is scary? When will I be brave enough to say Yeah I am going to Doula training, Yeah I am going to midwife training in the Philippines, Yeah I am teaching a class of elementary kids, Yeah I have a date, and we are getting serious, Yeah I can be your shoulder to cry on, Yes, I am here for you no matter what, Yeah, if you need a place to stay come stay with me, it isn't much but we will be just fine. Will I be brave enough to let go when it is the final goodbye. When will i be brave enough to forgive. Will I be ever be brave enough to accept the deepest heartbreak if i am unable to have children?

These are my ponderings tonight as I lay my head down to rest...

But oh, how blessed I am, because greater is HE that is in me, mighty and strong, loving and just. I am cradled in His arms of unfailing love. For that I say Praise the Lord, Mahal kita Diyos, Maraming Salamat Po Diyos. Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.

It's all Yours...

Take My Life (And Let It Be)

By Passion Worship Band

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.

Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.

Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.

Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.

Take my silver and my gold not a might would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.

Here am I, all of me.

Take my life, it's all for thee.

Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee

Tuesday Fiona Whitt

October 11, 2006 - January 30, 2009

Much rain is falling today...

Read

Oceans From The Rain Lyrics

here.

Stellan is ALIVE

Tuesday and Abby are fighting




Billy Gilman - There's A Hero (Official Music Video) - Awesome video clips here

Friday Night at Hope College!

Rachel, Alayna, Me, Rebecca, & Aftan

Tonight some friends and I went to a local ice rink to skate. we tried to do this last week, but unfortunately the website had the wrong times posted, we ended up getting free passes which we used tonight. I had NEVER been ice skating, and am quite a klutz (last year, broken foot, year before sprained ankle, every year prior twisted ankles, stitches, bruises etc)

Here we are going round the rink!

Here I am! look no hands! (in pink hat, from my wonderful Aunt's care package of winter supplies) with Rachel spotting me in case i took a tumble... guess what blog world... I DIDN"T FALL ONCE!

Becca had skated before but it had been a while and she was just about as nervous as I was. Luckily, Aftan is a patient and kind teacher!

This is from our Meijer Run (aka, grocery shopping for poor college students) I could not pass up getting a pic of my Montana friend Aftan. You can take the girl out of Montana, but you can't take the Montana out of the girl!

And now, I will drink tea and cuddle up with some reading for my Theology class, in my new cozy PJs, also from my aunt's care package (Thanks Aunt Coleen!)

Favorite College Memories

thoughts on a friday night...

Sometimes i surprise myself... I am not the bravest, patientest, or most loving person, in fact i am far from it... but sometimes there are moments when bravery, Patience, and love show themselves in tiny microscopic drops.

God has been so good to me lately, despite how undeserving i am of His grace. He has kept me safe, secure, and given me such joy these last couple of weeks at Hope. I can feel His love for me as i walk through the pine grove to class, as i drive to work and hold babies, as i struggle through assignments. When I lay my head down at night He gives me peace. And I am truly grateful.

I have been talking to more people, making an effort to be a "Child of Hope". I am blessed and privileged to be here and i need to make the most of each day here, whether i bomb a test or get spit-up on at the daycare. I need to not take some things so seriously (play vocation pictionary) because God has my life in his hands and will never leave me, and I need to take some things more seriously because God means business.

Life is a gift, love is not an option...

even

and especially

when

it's

HARD...

Her...

I am learning to love her again each and every day... My deepest hurt is not being better for Her and for Them... I was disappointed she wasn't what I wanted her to be and nothing gave me the right to even think that. Yes, we are called to be responcible for each other, but that does not mean that we can decide what that person should be... I see this from so many views now, not just about Her. There is another Her in my life who is not who i think she should be, who she could be...who maybe she doesn't want to be and i am dealing with that... i am dealing with my attitudes about that just as i have had to do with the original Her.



We are more alike then we are different... and we need each other... I need Her... and i also need Her#2.

Belonging...

"Lord, you make me feel both immensely strong

and

vulnerably weak all at the same time"

I am in love with Hope College, hear me right now I am in love with Hope, the place, but still not exactly warmed up to the idea of college as a whole. It has been a trying week and I am glad for the sun's gentle rays streaming through the window. It has taken me a while to comprehend that I do belong here. I had to hear that i was a child of Hope from so many different angles, but i am finally owning that I belong here.

I have so many relationships here and am developing new ones every day. I am speaking to complete strangers, but then again we complete strangers with a common bond -- our journeys brought us here.

As I enter the grand and glorious age of 20, i am trying to focus on journeying authentically, being fully present, respecting creation, and respecting other people's choices even if i don't agree with them. I am facing my issues with accepting Grace, accepting that who i am is enough, because who God is is enough.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many...Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it...May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." ~Hebrews 12-13 snippets.

As Trygve said... "and I think that's Sexy"