Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Thursday, August 01, 2013
Friday, June 07, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
I really should know better. God always speaks in whispers and shouts when I need it most.
This evening a friend of mine, who is an inspiration to my recent attempt at developing a running habit, encouraged me to suck it up and do 3 miles tomorrow. Ugh. Have I mentioned that, although I can't say I hate running anymore, it's still not my favorite. (I've moved to the strongly dislike phase. Progress!) so anyways I get in my car to head to work tonight, put the iPhone on shuffle and plug it it.
This song below comes on, I melt. Once again to be refined by the fire of my creator.
A few weeks ago I posted "I don't wanna" as my status. That same friend told me to go run. When I asked her how she knew that's what I was talking about she said "it's the only thing you consistently complain about" ouch...
Ouch because although running makes me tired, makes me feel like I can't breathe, hurts my foot and fatigues my legs, takes up time, makes me all sweaty and gross and is disappointing because it takes me forever to complete my miles... I have a body that allows me to do it, a fat, slow and clumsy body, but a capable one.
As the song played I thought about the veterans in wheelchairs in the memorial day parade today.
I thought about every toddler I have ever witnessed learning take their first steps, their confidence and endurance, no matter how many times they fall.
I thought about my buddies with CP, a little boy who lives to run when holding on to both of my hands propelling himself trusting his legs and my arms will keep him safe. A young girl who loved to swing , a 10 year old boy who crawled to me to hear a story.
I thought about my Elianna who drs said would probably never walk, who after years of work can walk, and play without the assistance of her walker.
I thought about my "baby" Gabe with spina bifida, who worked so hard to take those first steps on legs that are hard for him to feel, and how a surgury that was for his best interest caused him to have to relearn how to stand.
Tomorrow's run is for them, no matter how slow, and yucky it is, no matter how much I stumble. Thank you God o ce again for drowning me in grace I don't deserve.
Stumble After You
Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?
Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .
Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.
Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
So all must be well
Just give me time
You know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well
Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Who knew a Mumford and sons song could relate to midwifery?
Friday, April 26, 2013
It's your mercy when we're undeserving
It's your faith when we're faithless
It's your comfort when we're sad
You are still when we're restless
You are thunder when we're silent
You are calm when we rage
Your are peace when we are violent - Carry me
It's been a busy, scary, fun, happy, sad, life filled, emotional, month since I quit my "day job". I know I made the right choice but some days it's hard to shut the negative voice in my head up.
I may be crazy but I'm still trusting in that Romans 8:28 promise that "all things work together for good." And that he's carrying me and blessing me with more grace then I deserve.
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
This mountain I'm climbing is tough, it can be scary and stressful and sleep depriving but its amazing and big and filled with miracles and i will never stop climbing...
(Now if only I felt this way about running lol)
Friday, April 05, 2013
I recently took a big step out of my comfort zone.
This is kind of a big deal for me as I have been doing daycare forever. No really I grew up at this center and have taken care of hundreds of kids, that each hold a special place in my heart (yes, even the most precious ones, Jill) Daycare is comfortable, I know exactly what to do. I can change the diapers of a roomful of toddlers in minutes. I know the art of making a perfect temperature bottle. I can turn a room full of crabby kiddos into a room full of cooperative learners with a song and dance. I know daycare. I also knew that daycare would not be forever. I love children, I enjoy teaching, rocking, singing, and painting with the little ones. I love their hugs and smiles. I am blessed and very gratful that I was called to do daycare for a while, but when you hear the call to move, no matter how terrifying it is, you move.
I have been a Midwife's Aprentice for a year now, and am going to continue to do so while working towards my short and long term goals. I am taking my doula certification class in a couple months. I am doing part-time nanny work, and freelancing in the birth world. Placenta encapsulation anyone? :)
March was a crazy month! I probably can count the number of times I slept in my own bed on one hand, I've yet to sleep in my new apartment.
- Went to Great Wolf Lodge with the roomies
- Dog sat for "The Boss"
- Turned 25
- Gabe's Surgery
- Mama went to Flordia for my uncle's surgery
- Said hello and goodye to sweet baby S
- Dog sat for K.
- Started a new job
- Babysat for a week while a friend of mine went to London
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Squishy newborn head emerging from the birth canal
Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical cord
Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure length
Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the Doppler
Reading my cues, knowing what to do
Mama breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Dog stands guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
I look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion
Love thick like chocolate pudding.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I'll be honest, most of last week really sucked. Although, I am not sure if it was entirely last week's fault. Everything piled up and when that happens things get ugly.
Angry, bitter, selfish, sad....afraid. Fear makes us do crazy things.
Brokenness. The bittersweet.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
24 was filled with new, new job, new home, "new" car, new church, and many new lives. (24 babies have been born at home in fact, bringing the grand total to 29/31)
I am searching
I am waiting
I am doing
I am listening
I am grateful.
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
This journey that I've been on this past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...
Each day in the office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the door has taught me to be patient, to listen.
The midnight wake up calls, the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.
The stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized, respond, and trust.
The primal scream, the newborn cry, the laughter have taught me joy.
The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch, have taught me flexibility.
The colleagues, the doulas, the students, the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a sisterhood.
This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface to describe.
I am grateful.
It's roaring, snarling, prowling.
Bringing things like stress and cancer and moving and work and play and busy and missing loved ones and aging and memories.
But I will try to focus on March going out like a lamb, the lamb who laid down his life for me and holds me still. Shalom.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
What was really intriguing to me was that the young men who were chosen to learn from the rabbi followed so closely that they were said to be covered in the dust if the rabbi. It became a complement, a sign of commitment and zeal. In order to learn how to be a rabbi the students would practically cling to his robes, their goal was glean as much knowledge as they could from him.
The sermon got me thinking so I did some reading this evening on the saying "may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi" .
I had always heard rabbi translated as teacher, one article I read stated that, "These teachers were called “sages” before 70 AD (hakamim, or “the wise”). After that the title “rabbi” began to be used."
Sages...Hold up... Did you know that another word for midwife is sage-femme?
Hang with me on this for a minute.
Midwifery is a skill best learned by the apprenticeship model, watching, and eventually doing along side someone (or many someones) who has experience. A teacher, a sage-femme, a wise mentor.
Let's connect this back to the story of the fishermen. Jesus was always hanging out with the outcasts of society, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he called out to the fishermen, the ones who didn't make the cut back in Hebrew school. Even though i know i have been called to be a midwife, and can't imagine doing anything else, I know I am not the greatest student. I make a ton of mistakes, I am quiet, I tend to step back because I am afraid of messing up. I am so blessed to have been welcomed into the practice of a wise and caring midwife that keeps me around despite my shortcomings. I am the "b team" chosen from right field and for that I am grateful.
This lenten season, as I add and subtract things from my life, in order to serve the Lord and live deeper into my calling. I can only hope that someday, someone will be able to say to me, that I am covered by the dust of my rabbi, in midwifery yes, but even more so I want to be covered in the dust of my Rabbi; My savior, creator of unique community, the one who loves me more than I will ever imagine.
(For more information check out: http://offqueue.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/dust_rabbi.pdf and http://ourrabbijesus.com/2012/01/27/covered-in-the-dust-of-your-rabbi-an-urban-legend/ )
Thursday, February 14, 2013
In December of 2009, I attended my very first home birth. Wendy called around 9pm asking if I was interested in going with her as "2nd on" since one of her assistants was unavailable. "2nd on" is essentially responsible for setting up, running for things as a go-for, charting and the glorious task of clean up. I agreed and spent the next few hours giddy at being on-call. It seemed like forever until I finally got the go ahead to drive to the birth.
I shadowed Wendy while she assessed the mama's progress until "1st on" arrived I instantly loved D. Funny and kind and about 9 months pregnant she along with kristin, (another assistant, now midwife, who was able to come later on due to the birth taking 18 hours) was the one who showed me the ropes on how to set up for a birth, keep things organized, clean out the tub and keep things running smoothly for the boss.
We waited all night with little progress, until 8am when things began picking up and a Tiny Baby Boy entered this world blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso. He cried and quickly pinked up. It was amazing and I was hooked!
But, I digress....
D had her baby a few weeks later, a girl and I rejoiced seeing the photos.
After I joined the practice officially in 2012 I was surprised and excited to see that D was expecting again. I looked forward to her prenatal appointments and was excited for her birth.
Today a valentine baby was born :) and oh how my heart sings.
She was born into her 8 year old sister's hands and welcomed into the world by many more loving siblings. I fell even more in love with this family throughout the labor. (There are some great stories I will have to share another time. ) Welcome sweet baby.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Thursday, February 07, 2013
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan"- already there, casting crowns
Today at bible study we discussed rejection and how it deeply wounds, the part that stuck out to me was how sometimes we are rejected for a reason. God is perfect love, but sometimes God allows for rejection in order to give us a clear "no" by shutting the door and how important It is to stand firm and trust while waiting in the hallway.
My time as a pre-education major is a prime example. When I had taken the first tier of classes it was time to declare i applied for the education program and was rejected, I appealed the decision, and was again rejected, I sat down with the head of the department and after our discussion rejected my appeals. Praise The Lord. At the time the rejection hurt, but as I look back I am grateful. I graduated with a different major and had more opportunities to take classes that helped me to grow and heal. I still don't know what God's doing with all this, but I am grateful for his picture perfect plan.
May there be angels riding on the hood of your car
May there be peace in your house and a room with a view
These things I pray for you
May inspiration fall like rain on your shoulders
And all the mountains that you face
May you find a way over
May the ground always be sacred
Beneath the soles of your shoes
May your perfect world be all the you imagined
So you could feel the freedom that gives you your passion
May your faith in human kindness be always renewed
These things I pray for you
All I ever want for you
Is everything you want
And everything you want you get
If you keep dreaming on
I pray that
You'll never forget the truth
You know inside your heart
You remember just how loved you are
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Witnessing babies experience the world for the first time, holding space for families to meet. Hugging grandmothers and comforting aunts who nervously wait. "Everything is fine" "this is normal"
Being a part of something big.
Being a part of a community, of a team.
Laughing while packing up at the events forever caught on tape, or in delirium at 24 hour diners in the wee hours of the morning, at Cavewomen and what the cat drug in.
Communicating in silent glances exchanged across a birth pool, remembering to breathe and "feel my feet on the floor" during hairy situations.
Hands that are learning what to do
Head that is learning what to remember
Heart that is opening wider each day
Sunday, January 06, 2013
Some of my readers may be familiar with my faith journey, the dusty gravel roads, the paved highways, and trail-less forests that I have traveled to get me closer to the one who spoke light in the darkness and came as a baby to ransom my soul. Some may be familiar with the story of how I went from Nazarene to social brethren to free will baptist to reformed to independent to United Methodist to follower of Christ. For those that aren't and are interested lets go out for chai lattes :)
Today at church I took part in something I never have before, at communion time the pastor invited us up to the baptismal fount to remember our baptism. As she dipped her finger into the water and made a drippy cross on my forehead, she said "remember your baptism and be thankful"
I was instantly flooded with memories.
A baptism of birth fluids as I co-caught my first baby, and the inevitable baptism that occurs during water births
A baptism of confidence from those who believe in me despite my fears
A soft spoken pastor who baptized me in prayer back in college when all hope seemed lost "you are a child of hope" he said as he made a cross on my forehead, embracing me, telling me I belonged.
A baptism of tears at a final goodbye, soaking my shoulder, penetrating into my heart.
A baptism of words spoken by a wise future reverend in the middle of a crowded cafeteria
The icy water baptism by the first person I ever called pastor. Plugging my nose and stepping into the pool after my mother and cousins. "In the name of the father, son and Holy Spirit"
My first "baptism" when Jesus came into the heart of a shy 7 year old at VBS.
Today I left church, shivering in remembrance of the waters, words, prayers, and paths that have lead me here.
Today I realize I am like the squalling newborn, surprised by the incomparable blessings poured out over my head and the wild and rocky journey placed in front of my feet.
I remember... And I am thankful
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
This book interested me, not only because it takes place in Guatemala, a place near and dear to my heart, but the title itself grabbed me. Call of a Coward. I feel like all of us are called to do things that terrify us sometimes, but those things will ultimately be life giving and filled with lessons and blessings.
This is a great book for those who long for the taste of pollo campero, have spent time in the foreign mission field, have felt a call on their life and the terror that goes with it, Marcia Moston is funny, honest, and one of the bravest cowards I know.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com
2. Finish my 3rd novel
5. Dance with somebody
9. Photo a day
12. Travel: DC, Marquette, Holland
13. Write a children's book