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Gray days in my heart

When I miss the bright days

And want to run away

Maybe get lost here

When what I need to do is focus on this

I am stuck in the tension of this week...
I always suck at transitions
Especially birthday week

I want to be so much more
I can't stop dreaming about a future
catching babies
raising babies
traveling
Planting myself firmly in the soil of Holland

There is so much in my way it seems
but if it wasn't meant to be I'd like to think the Lord would take the desire away...

and

If it is meant to be... wouldn't He tear the walls down?


I think it is time for a bubble bath and a nap

Ponderings...

I am in a strange season of life right now. I can see the ways I have grown, and the ways in which I still need to grow. Some areas are flowering and others need to be pruned back as they are withered.

I pray differently. I am past the Sunday School answers. I see the grays and am overwhelmed by the light that He shines in this dark world. I am studying harder. Listening better and shutting up more. I am learning to let go and move on, yet holding on tighter than ever to what I need to. My life depends on this ability to let go and hold on. I am old. My plans are loosening up and I nearly have the courage to commit.

I am still holding back from doing things I love, or think i might love. I still feel the pressure to do what i am "supposed" and to ignore the pull of my heart. To be truthful, it is safer to do what i am supposed to do. To keep telling myself i could never be brave enough to jump in head-on. I have gotten in this popular mindset that there must always be a plan -- a good plan. That you are better off being safe. I am tired of being safe, yet my soul trembles at the thought of the "unsafe".

I surprised myself today in being O.K. with news i received, that came as no surprise. I expected this and as God has proven time and time again I will be ready when the time comes.

That is quite a concept too, being ready when the time comes. We worry and groan about changes in the future, when it is inevitable... yet when it is time we are ready, deep down inside we are ready, whether we admit it or not.

Tomorrow are Tuesday's memorial "waggie rides"

Sweet Abby is in the hospital in pain, struggling to beat the cancer that is beating up her little body

And well, I don't know... Babies are not supposed to hurt or die, but when they do... is there ever a point in which you are ready?

Will there be a point when i say YES and do what my heart seems to want to do, even though it is scary? When will I be brave enough to say Yeah I am going to Doula training, Yeah I am going to midwife training in the Philippines, Yeah I am teaching a class of elementary kids, Yeah I have a date, and we are getting serious, Yeah I can be your shoulder to cry on, Yes, I am here for you no matter what, Yeah, if you need a place to stay come stay with me, it isn't much but we will be just fine. Will I be brave enough to let go when it is the final goodbye. When will i be brave enough to forgive. Will I be ever be brave enough to accept the deepest heartbreak if i am unable to have children?

These are my ponderings tonight as I lay my head down to rest...

But oh, how blessed I am, because greater is HE that is in me, mighty and strong, loving and just. I am cradled in His arms of unfailing love. For that I say Praise the Lord, Mahal kita Diyos, Maraming Salamat Po Diyos. Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.

Alone time...

I am really glad i stayed at Hope for spring break. I have had a lot of time to think and pray, relax and be productive. It is a nice introduction to the ripe old age of 20. Who am i as a 20 year old student, woman, sister, friend, cousin and child care provider? I am discovering more about that each day as i get braver and begin to own what it is to be Courtney Kay Blackwell.

I have also been thinking a lot about Christine McCarthy who is pregnant with her 4th little girl. her placenta implanted outside her uterus and she is in danger of delivering early, death for the baby, death for her. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery for the baby and the mother and pray for her 3 daughters, Josie (5), Rachel (4), and Grace (2) and her amazing husband Kevin.

There are a lot of people in my life who are hurting right now, and a few young teenagers that i deeply care about that are going through some tough stuff. I want to remind them that I am praying for them and that it is possible to resist temptation that there are other ways to spend time with people of the opposite gender. That having integrity is not only for God and your family, but it is for yourself as well. Be Strong Girls! I love You!

cirque de soleil...

I am selfish... I am selfish with time. Maybe, I am just too easily angered. but that is the curse of the coming March 13th. March is a tough month for me. Things seem to be all mixed up in March, pain, stress, love, joy, peace, war are deeper felt.

It is Alcohol awareness week, or whatever it is called, and for some reason it kind of bugs me. I feel like it is kind of pointless considering what i witness multiple times each week. i don't understand the point of drinking to get drunk or buzzed. Alcoholic beverages are ok, as long as you limit the intake and don't act stupid. What really upsets me is that people don't respect regulations. The campus is dry, please don't bring your alcohol on campus, which is my home! Go have A drink but please don't come back and talk about all the stupid stuff you did last night while you were drinking way to much...illegally and say it was "so bad" while laughing and joking about it. Sometimes i wish that they would get caught, most of the time i feel like it is ignored, it is not like they are quiet about it. That is my biggest problem with college right now. It is also frustrating that people who make poor choices are still academically sound, on the dean's list, and not have to work as much as i do so they get to nap... oh yeah.. i am so jealous of people who get to nap!

Anyways...

I love being with elegant people. It is a refreshing reminder that there is life outside of school and work. The witness of a Christ centered home, simplicity and unselfish love. It amazes me how my attitude can do a complete 360 after sipping water from wine glasses, and eating pizza and carrot sticks followed by amazing conversation. The words of brilliantly talented Hope Students and Faculty, Western Students and Faculty echo in my heart and i am reassured. I am happy. I am peace again. I am blessed to be surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses and even more blessed to see how much our small circle has in common. Yes, they too are struggling, and Yes, I too am brilliant and talented.

It's times like this when i am on top of things that i feel so overwhelmed by my calling. it's hard to describe the feeling of call, or to discern exactly what the call is towards. It feels BIG. When the Dean of Faculty of Western was telling her story of being an education major and teaching 4th grade for 4 years then quiting and going to seminary she said that she had to kinda prove that she could do it, to her parents, peers, and organized denominations. She just did it. and that has been something that i have shied away from all my life -- just doing it. Back in 10th grade i was struggling with an honors class and the teachers that taught it. i was discussing the matter with my choir director, whom i was really close to, during a downtime at a rehearsal for the musical. Another teacher/assistant director whom i was not to fond of turned around and said, "It's there club you want to join, suck it up and just do it!" I was taken aback at the time but his words have been in the back of my mind ever since. It is hard to push onward when you don't think you can do something, but it is even harder when you don't think you are worthy enough to succeed. Right now, in this beautiful evening as the sun sets on this blustery sunny day. I feel worthy.