Living in Limbo...

I have been camping in my parent's "Daw-ffice" (Dog room/office) since Saturday. I am looking forward to moving into my apartment in a couple of weeks, but it has not been too bad so far. Probably because I have been busy!

Saturday was spent loading vehicles, saying goodbyes in Holland, and meeting a precious 5 day old :)

Sunday brought church and a retirement party.

Monday contained a visit to the daycare that turned into working for a few hours, followed by my first office visit as an official member of the Nine Short Months birth team. I was so excited to meet this sweet 6 week old that I had felt in the belly back in December :)

Today I had an interview for a nanny position... I am not so sure about how it went.

I was also planning on going to a few office visits and home visits, but in the midwifery field you can't always plan and I ended up at a beautiful home birth. A precious 7lb 13oz, baby boy entered the world today surrounded by family. His mama was a complete rockstar! My role at this birth was charting and clean-up. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome women's bodies are and how strong their hearts.

Confessions and ponderings...

I have to admit, lately I have been pretty down. So much so that by the weekends it is very easy for me to sit around all day and read or watch movies. I have been dabbling into some crafty things lately such as knitting and scrap-booking, but it is hard to get the motivation to do much else on my own. It was nice this weekend to have lunch with my aunt and to have my former co-worker's baby spend the night it kept me up and about while still allowing me to relax a bit after a hectic work week.

I am also a bit discouraged with my future goals lately, for both internal and external reasons.  I am cautiously testing the water before I jump in. Playing it safe is where I am comfortable, but there is a certain bit of discomfort with hesitation.
It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are peeking around the edge with one eye closed.

It is hard to have the courage to jump in and run through the tunnel, when it seems like so many stones are blocking the entrance.

I am struggling distant with my faith lately. I know and feel that God is near but we are having a silent time.

I know I have been called to serve the Lord by serving babies, children and mamas. I know that I will someday "catch" babies, return to an orphanage to work with the babies and young pregnant women that are living there, I know that someday I will attend a court hearing that will declare a child mine, I know that someday I will give back a child that is not "mine" to keep, I know that someday I will try to carry a child in my own womb.

I know that I am ok right now with where I am and with what I am doing. I know that the day to day is temporary and that I need to stop checking off the days as done and enjoy them more, because time moves so fast. In a blink of an eye 10 years pass. In 17 months I will have spent a quarter of a century earth-side. As someone once said, "Don't count the days, make the day's count" I am trying.

Music Speaks when words fail…

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace

–AWH

 

Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

-JM

I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches,
You brought the springtime
Green of a new life
And nothing is impossible
For You

 

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

-JJ Heller

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

-Selah

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through

-Mandisa

And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

-Francesca Battistelli

A little too much time on your hand
So many things pressing your heart
Now you're caught up in a brain storm
And the winds are tearing you apart
And what matter the most now
Shouldn't matter at all
You forgot who's holding you up
And He won't let you fall
Who's in control of your life
And knows better than you ever will
Who tells you time and again
Hush and be still
It's time to recognize
That your answer in His eyes
Where the river flows If you'll just
Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know that His joy is your strength
Can you fathom it
Peace beyond your understanding
When you gonna grab a hold of it
Cause you're life's not your own
You can't do it alone
There is a remedy if you will let go

-Ayiesha Woods

****look for a house tour post this weekend!****