Friday, February 06, 2009


I am in a strange season of life right now. I can see the ways I have grown, and the ways in which I still need to grow. Some areas are flowering and others need to be pruned back as they are withered.

I pray differently. I am past the Sunday School answers. I see the grays and am overwhelmed by the light that He shines in this dark world. I am studying harder. Listening better and shutting up more. I am learning to let go and move on, yet holding on tighter than ever to what I need to. My life depends on this ability to let go and hold on. I am old. My plans are loosening up and I nearly have the courage to commit.

I am still holding back from doing things I love, or think i might love. I still feel the pressure to do what i am "supposed" and to ignore the pull of my heart. To be truthful, it is safer to do what i am supposed to do. To keep telling myself i could never be brave enough to jump in head-on. I have gotten in this popular mindset that there must always be a plan -- a good plan. That you are better off being safe. I am tired of being safe, yet my soul trembles at the thought of the "unsafe".

I surprised myself today in being O.K. with news i received, that came as no surprise. I expected this and as God has proven time and time again I will be ready when the time comes.

That is quite a concept too, being ready when the time comes. We worry and groan about changes in the future, when it is inevitable... yet when it is time we are ready, deep down inside we are ready, whether we admit it or not.

Sweet Abby is in the hospital in pain, struggling to beat the cancer that is beating up her little body

And well, I don't know... Babies are not supposed to hurt or die, but when they do... is there ever a point in which you are ready?

Will there be a point when i say YES and do what my heart seems to want to do, even though it is scary? When will I be brave enough to say Yeah I am going to Doula training, Yeah I am going to midwife training in the Philippines, Yeah I am teaching a class of elementary kids, Yeah I have a date, and we are getting serious, Yeah I can be your shoulder to cry on, Yes, I am here for you no matter what, Yeah, if you need a place to stay come stay with me, it isn't much but we will be just fine. Will I be brave enough to let go when it is the final goodbye. When will i be brave enough to forgive. Will I be ever be brave enough to accept the deepest heartbreak if i am unable to have children?

These are my ponderings tonight as I lay my head down to rest...

But oh, how blessed I am, because greater is HE that is in me, mighty and strong, loving and just. I am cradled in His arms of unfailing love. For that I say Praise the Lord, Mahal kita Diyos, Maraming Salamat Po Diyos. Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.


The Swann's said...

I just read your comment on MckMamma's blog... Breaks my heart! I too believe that we share so many characteristics of what we want and desire to be but what is potentially stopping us from getting there...

To be a mother is a calling from God. I believe mother's exist for biological children, adopted children we welcome into our hearts and homes to call our own, as well as children whom we have great influence over although not their primary care giver...

BTW - I loved your "Who Am I" video. Neat!!!! :-)

Laurel said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, and leaving a comment. I am so glad to have found your blog.

I scrolled down a bit and read that you have endometriosis. Well ... I have to tell you a BIG miracle story.

When I was 21, I was told I needed a complete hysterctomy due to severe endometriosis (and, being that was 26 years ago, they didn't have as many treatments for it). Anyway, went to a new doctor, he confirmed the diagnosis, but told me he would hold off on the surgery for a little while so that we could pray about it. He did, however, tell me that I had a 2% to ever get pregnant.

Two weeks later ... I was pregnant, after telling everyone "God doesn't care about percentages." And ... in the next 6 years we had 6 children. Yes Lord!

After 7 children, I was again told to have a hysterectomy. However, when the doctors opened me up, they discovered I'd been healed. So, I went on to 3 more pregnancies ... and then 3 adopted children. So, after being told I would "never have children", I am the mama of 13.

So, have hope ...