What does a midwife do?

A midwife cooks scrambled eggs

Dances and sways 

Puts cold cloths on your head

Fixes your ponytail 

Snuggles in bed

Tells you:

 "you are strong"

"You are brave"

"You are listening to your body"

Puts water and honey to your lips 

Says drink

Converses with you on the toilet between contractions 

Silently holds the space

Naps on your couch, your floor, your toddler bed 

Holds your hand

Holds your puke bucket 

Doesn't flinch about body fluids 

Supports your decision to transfer 

Goes to ultrasounds and holds your hand when the news is devistating 

Wraps you in warm blankets and love 

Gently guides your baby into your arms 

Steps back as baby takes it's first breath 

Smiles 

Is grateful for the opportunity to serve 

To witness 

 A midwife eats dinner in the bathtub then falls into bed

Waiting for the phone to ring again 

Let the adventure begin...

The first midwifery supply most student/apprentices purchase is a watch with a second hand. Why? Because one of the first skills you learn is counting out fetal heart tones. Eventually you learn what normal sounds like and can pretty accurately determine what the heart rate is without counting, but even seasoned midwives pull out the watch when they detect a variation from normal. I held back tears tonight when I opened a gift from "the boss" and saw: 

It's a familiar tool; the comforting ticking in the darkness, the reassuring overlapping rhythmic thump-thump beating heart of a baby soon to be born. 

As I begin my first year as primary midwife under-supervision I will do so surrounded by mama and baby duos who will teach me many things, new and old preceptors and colleagues who will share their wisdom and serve along side me, the voice of "the boss" echoing in my ears, and with the weight of a familiar tool in my pocket grounding me. 

I'm ready for this adventure. 

On finding my midwife voice

50 days. I love my job, there is nothing like it. Cords and molding, water, sweat, tears, cries and pouty lips, heaviness, being forever connected by the holy moment when heaven kisses earth. Still and calm, loud and strong. Brave and beauty. Life doesn't look like I imagined it but I am still so overwhelmingly blessed. 

50

I have witnessed 50 babies enter the world and cry out using their wet lungs for the first time. 50 holy moments where heaven touched earth and families were made. And oh how my heart sings! 

The magnitude of this job is indescribable. The honor of entering into the sacred and being trusted to hold the space. Meconium and blood, vomit and bile, tears and waters.  I am so blessed.

Today as baby #50 inched her way past the perineum into my waiting hands,  The Boss' eyes met mine and we smiled. I remembered my first births, watching the senior apprentice and The Boss share that same look and smile, the knowing that the baby was coming, the excitement. I remember waiting for the day that it would be my turn. 

What a wild ride! Now as we count down births until The Boss heads off on a new adventure,  I am stuck in the bittersweet. I'm so proud of her and excited for her but am going to miss her. Like the song says "you're gonna miss this" I'm gonna miss sharing these sticky, sweaty, wet, tired, laughter, miracle filled days with her across the birth pool. 

What an adventure this life has turned out to be and so full of gifts each day. Powerful. Holy. Friendship. "The rabbi" may be leaving for a while but she has blessed me with a circle of friends I will forever thankful for (you know who you are and thank you for your friendship I am so lucky you guys have taken me into your circle) and will be leaving me "covered in her slime". (Backstory here http://courtneyblackwell.blogspot.com/2013/02/dust.html?m=1) 

Remembering

A year ago I remember going to work with a sound boom looming over my head, a producer and camera woman following me around, a mama working hard to meet her first baby, a mouse...

My first 4 handed catch. Posterior baby girl froggy jumped through my hands onto her mothers chest. I was grateful that more experienced hands were holding on too and the sound guy cried. 

That night is one of the gifts that I claim as I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. (For many reasons but It also gave me Jill)  

So much has changed, so much has grown, but one thing remains the same. I was born for this amazing, powerful, holy work, where heaven meets earth in a moment and much is entrusted into these hands. 

Guilty pleasure

This girl may be 25, but when "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus comes on the radio I always turn it up. The lyrics hit home and I catch myself tearing up every time.



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on




This mountain I'm climbing is tough, it can be scary and stressful and sleep depriving but its amazing and big and filled with miracles and i will never stop climbing...

(Now if only I felt this way about running lol)

Reflections on birth

Random thoughts saved on my phone for the last few births.

******************************************

Squishy newborn head emerging from the birth canal

Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical cord

Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure length

Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the Doppler

Team

Reading my cues, knowing what to do

Laughter

**********************************************


Mama breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Grandma sways
Dog stands guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
Expectations
Waiting
Love

***********************************************

I look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion
Love thick like chocolate pudding.

One year...

On this day in 2012. I was invited into the home of someone i had never met, into the sacred, to sit quietly and chart, to scrub out a tub, and so began my journey as a midwife's apprentice.

This journey that I've been on this past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...

Each day in the office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the door has taught me to be patient, to listen.

The midnight wake up calls, the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.

The stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized, respond, and trust.

The primal scream, the newborn cry, the laughter have taught me joy.

The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch, have taught me flexibility.

The colleagues, the doulas, the students, the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a sisterhood.

This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface to describe.

Powerful.

Love.

Miracles.




I am grateful.

Dust...

At church tonight we had a wonderful guest preacher. he spoke on the well known story about Jesus telling the fishermen to put down their nets and follow him. He told us that in jewish culture, boys attended hebrew school in levels. 1st they memorized the torah, if they did well they went on to memorize the rest of scripture and finally those who were successful were sent out into the community to find a rabbi who would disciple them. The rest were sent home to learn the family trade. The "b team" if you will.

What was really intriguing to me was that the young men who were chosen to learn from the rabbi followed so closely that they were said to be covered in the dust if the rabbi. It became a complement, a sign of commitment and zeal. In order to learn how to be a rabbi the students would practically cling to his robes, their goal was glean as much knowledge as they could from him.

The sermon got me thinking so I did some reading this evening on the saying "may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi" .

I had always heard rabbi translated as teacher, one article I read stated that, "These teachers were called “sages” before 70 AD (hakamim, or “the wise”). After that the title “rabbi” began to be used."

Sages...Hold up... Did you know that another word for midwife is sage-femme?

Hang with me on this for a minute.

Midwifery is a skill best learned by the apprenticeship model, watching, and eventually doing along side someone (or many someones) who has experience. A teacher, a sage-femme, a wise mentor.

Let's connect this back to the story of the fishermen. Jesus was always hanging out with the outcasts of society, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he called out to the fishermen, the ones who didn't make the cut back in Hebrew school. Even though i know i have been called to be a midwife, and can't imagine doing anything else, I know I am not the greatest student. I make a ton of mistakes, I am quiet, I tend to step back because I am afraid of messing up. I am so blessed to have been welcomed into the practice of a wise and caring midwife that keeps me around despite my shortcomings. I am the "b team" chosen from right field and for that I am grateful.

This lenten season, as I add and subtract things from my life, in order to serve the Lord and live deeper into my calling. I can only hope that someday, someone will be able to say to me, that I am covered by the dust of my rabbi, in midwifery yes, but even more so I want to be covered in the dust of my Rabbi; My savior, creator of unique community, the one who loves me more than I will ever imagine.


(For more information check out: http://offqueue.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/dust_rabbi.pdf and http://ourrabbijesus.com/2012/01/27/covered-in-the-dust-of-your-rabbi-an-urban-legend/ )

Labor support

Love, like

Angels singing is

Breaking through.

Our hands supporting, waiting

Reaching out

Safely
Understanding
Praying
Protecting
Open
Respecting
The power of birth

Full circle...

Some of my favorite moments in life have been times when I was able to "come full-circle" today was one of them.

In December of 2009, I attended my very first home birth. Wendy called around 9pm asking if I was interested in going with her as "2nd on" since one of her assistants was unavailable. "2nd on" is essentially responsible for setting up, running for things as a go-for, charting and the glorious task of clean up. I agreed and spent the next few hours giddy at being on-call. It seemed like forever until I finally got the go ahead to drive to the birth.
I shadowed Wendy while she assessed the mama's progress until "1st on" arrived I instantly loved D. Funny and kind and about 9 months pregnant she along with kristin, (another assistant, now midwife, who was able to come later on due to the birth taking 18 hours) was the one who showed me the ropes on how to set up for a birth, keep things organized, clean out the tub and keep things running smoothly for the boss.
We waited all night with little progress, until 8am when things began picking up and a Tiny Baby Boy entered this world blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso. He cried and quickly pinked up. It was amazing and I was hooked!
But, I digress....
D had her baby a few weeks later, a girl and I rejoiced seeing the photos.
After I joined the practice officially in 2012 I was surprised and excited to see that D was expecting again. I looked forward to her prenatal appointments and was excited for her birth.

Today a valentine baby was born :) and oh how my heart sings.

She was born into her 8 year old sister's hands and welcomed into the world by many more loving siblings. I fell even more in love with this family throughout the labor. (There are some great stories I will have to share another time. ) Welcome sweet baby.

10 months

I really really love what I do. I feel so blessed and unworthy to be a part of huge moments in people's lives.

Witnessing babies experience the world for the first time, holding space for families to meet. Hugging grandmothers and comforting aunts who nervously wait. "Everything is fine" "this is normal"

Being a part of something big.

Being a part of a community, of a team.

Laughing while packing up at the events forever caught on tape, or in delirium at 24 hour diners in the wee hours of the morning, at Cavewomen and what the cat drug in.

Communicating in silent glances exchanged across a birth pool, remembering to breathe and "feel my feet on the floor" during hairy situations.

Hands that are learning what to do

Head that is learning what to remember

Heart that is opening wider each day

Grateful

Things don't always go as planned, but then again maybe they do.

Micah 6:8 it is kinda funny that I pulled this shirt out of my closet this morning...


Today a sweet baby girl was born and half way around the world a little boy was "born" into his forever family.

Sweet baby girl's mother had her first all natural, no induction birth, giving her confidence in the ability of her body to work. I am a bit bummed to have missed the birth by minutes, but I loved seeing the sparkle in my team member's eyes as she told me "I delivered her".

My friend Alison went to court today and left a mother of a precious little boy. Their journey has been up and down these past few months and I am rejoicing.

I purchased the Micah shirt to help support baby E's adoption. 2 babies, 2 very different stories, one amazing day.

Advent

Advent
waiting, longing,
expecting


Advent
Anticipation, joy
Peace
The tiny kicks of a new life in the womb

Advent
Holy, amazing
Slippery
Newborn staring up through the waters
breaking the surface
Breathes deep and cries

Advent
Power, trembling,
Blessed
Hands that catch
hold
guide

Advent
Deeper, transcendent
Reminded
A stable, a woman, alone yet surrounded

Advent
Hope, joy
Love
A savior in a manger cries out in the night

Advent
Waiting, longing
Expecting

Grateful

March comes in like a Lion and out like a lamb...

I am really enjoying my new place. It is a nice sized apartment and my roomies are awfully cute :) I am living with a friend that I have known since the womb and her 2 daughters, age 4 years and 4 months.

March brought 4 new babies, all born at home, surrounded by those who love them. I am still in disbelief that this is my job! I am learning so much and growing more confident by the day. I am looking forward to the April babies, but trying my best to enjoy the lull.

My weeks consist of office visits (prenatal appointments, postpartum visits), home visits, births, and working part-time at the daycare. I have been interviewing with some new families for babysitting jobs to supplement my income as well. I am meeting so many interesting and wonderful people.

I am happy, content, and full of joy

sigh... someone pinch me... is this real life?

Moon dance... (A poem)

I am fantastically overwhelmed
                                 All in
      placing all my chips on the table
   It is an awkward dance
                stumbly,
                       bumbly
like hippos
      mimicking cranes.
Powerful emotions
        tearing the heart into healing
                                                                     Messy
                                                Beautiful
                                                                       Love
Blue toes and pink cheeks
life sustaining thick pulsing cord
                                                           eyes lock all around the room
                                                                     speaking words that cannot be heard
                   he coughs
                  softly cries
                             laughter
and oh how my heart sings
                         

Living in Limbo...

I have been camping in my parent's "Daw-ffice" (Dog room/office) since Saturday. I am looking forward to moving into my apartment in a couple of weeks, but it has not been too bad so far. Probably because I have been busy!

Saturday was spent loading vehicles, saying goodbyes in Holland, and meeting a precious 5 day old :)

Sunday brought church and a retirement party.

Monday contained a visit to the daycare that turned into working for a few hours, followed by my first office visit as an official member of the Nine Short Months birth team. I was so excited to meet this sweet 6 week old that I had felt in the belly back in December :)

Today I had an interview for a nanny position... I am not so sure about how it went.

I was also planning on going to a few office visits and home visits, but in the midwifery field you can't always plan and I ended up at a beautiful home birth. A precious 7lb 13oz, baby boy entered the world today surrounded by family. His mama was a complete rockstar! My role at this birth was charting and clean-up. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome women's bodies are and how strong their hearts.

On trying to become a midwife...

Last weekend I was blessed to be able to attend a midwife skills class hosted by a local midwife. I learned so much and had a great time. It is nice to be with people who see the birth process as normal and not have to defend myself or my ideas on it.

We studied and practiced injections, blood draws, IV's, exams, and suturing. I am really looking forward to the next one in a couple of weeks hosted by Michigan Midwife's Association (MMA).

This is me getting Sterile Water Papules... They are used for back pain in labor (posterior babies), it is water injected in the skin (like a TB test) but since it is not PH balanced with the body it stings! (I did really well with the ones I gave to another woman in the class) :)

Into these Hands

So I had a spontaneous whirlwind trip back home last weekend. My goal was to see as many people as possible, and i didn't do too bad. :) (Thanks for making time for me guys!)

I also received a book as a graduation present from my favorite midwife Wendy. I had never heard of this book until I borrowed a copy earlier this summer when I started attending midwife study group. This book is so amazing.

From the website:  
"It is a comprehensive anthology of the life stories of 25 remarkable women who have dedicated their lives and careers to the path of midwifery and social change"

Including some Michigan Midwifes! 

What makes my copy special is Wendy had it signed by the editor and the Michigan midwife authors.(everyone who knows me knows that one way to my heart is books that are signed lol)

What made me cry, was the signatures themselves...

When I have my days where I think that I am not good enough to do this I can look at their encouraging words.

"We want you" "Come join us" "It is time to Leap!"