Stumble after you...

I really should know better. God always speaks in whispers and shouts when I need it most. 

This evening a friend of mine, who is an inspiration to my recent attempt at developing a running habit, encouraged me to suck it up and do 3 miles tomorrow. Ugh. Have I mentioned that, although I can't say I hate running anymore, it's still not my favorite. (I've moved to the strongly dislike phase. Progress!) so anyways I get in my car to head to work tonight, put the iPhone on shuffle and plug it it. 

This song below comes on, I melt. Once again to be refined by the fire of my creator. 

A few weeks ago I posted "I don't wanna" as my status. That same friend told me to go run. When I asked her how she knew that's what I was talking about she said "it's the only thing you consistently complain about" ouch... 

Ouch because although running makes me tired, makes me feel like I can't breathe, hurts my foot and fatigues my legs, takes up time, makes me all sweaty and gross and is disappointing because it takes me forever to complete my miles... I have a body that allows me to do it, a fat, slow and clumsy body, but a capable one.

 As the song played I thought about the veterans in wheelchairs in the memorial day parade today. 

I thought about every toddler I have ever witnessed learning take their first steps, their confidence and endurance, no matter how many times they fall. 

I thought about my buddies with CP, a little boy who lives to run when holding on to both of my hands propelling himself trusting his legs and my arms will keep him safe. A young girl who loved to swing , a 10 year old boy who crawled to me to hear a story. 

I thought about my Elianna who drs said would probably never walk,  who after years of work can walk, and play without the assistance of her walker. 

I thought about my "baby" Gabe with spina bifida, who worked so hard to take those first steps on legs that are hard for him to feel, and how a surgury that was for his best interest caused him to have to relearn how to stand.

Tomorrow's run is for them, no matter how slow, and yucky it is, no matter how much I stumble. Thank you God o ce again for drowning me in grace I don't deserve. 

Stumble After You

Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?

Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.

Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace.

Advent

In this time of Advent, I play one of my favorite Christmas songs and think of all the babies that have changed everything in my life;

The foster babies

(Ciara, Cordelia, Devontae, Kiara, Alyah, Kuran, Brandon)

 The 7

The hundreds of children I have held from daycare and babysitting

Guatemala babies

Isabella

Miracle babies 

The babies that never made it earthside

I think of the babies of the future that will pass from my hands into their mother's as they take their first breath

I think of the babies that will someday be mine, the ones I will carry in my womb and in my heart

I think of that baby, born in a stable, wrapped in cloths, whose birth was attended by the angels.

I am reminded, that my God knows exactly what makes me tick, how to get my attention, how to teach me, how to remind me I am loved. 

A baby changes everything...

A different kind of study…

Studying up to hopefully go to Doula Class next month if finances will allow!

 

Books 1,2,5,8,10 complete (as I own them)

(the binder on the bottom contains the herbal bible from Fall 10 MMA conference)

Holland on my mind…

I really enjoyed spending time in Holland the last week. On Sunday I visited with friends in Holland and spent some time on the chilly shores of Lake Michigan. I could watch the waves crash upon the sand for hours. The cool sand between my toes is a blissful tactile experience and it is in the rush of the tide I find my shalom.

I spent this afternoon with the two littlest listmaker’s , as well as a quick visit with the T man.

Middle G is too funny! He always cracks me up with the way his little mind works

 

AND my littlest G is sitting up like a big boy now! He absolutely amazes me and has the best belly laugh! I ended the day at the biggest G’s T-Ball game. It was very entertaining and the weather was beautiful!

I love visiting Holland but it makes me long for the future, full of Holland Summers

From Prayer wall to arms…

 

 

List lady Katie’s baby spent some time at my house today. he got lots of lovin’ and snuggles!

Did some cheering for the Dutchmen!

 

    

 

and made my heart happy :)

 

Thank you Katie!

 

Random

I really stink at blogging lately!

Here are some updates

1. Classes are scheduled
2. I made some things in ceramics that actually look like they are supposed to.
3. I am working a lot and baby sitting a lot :)
4. I met sweet baby Gabe and had a bit of déjà vu and had to hold back from crying (especially after his oldest brother was telling me about the lady that cried at Toy Story 3 (I did too!) He is so funny and smart.)
5. God is really working on me in some areas and it is good
6. Everyone needs to read Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest
7. I went to a midwife conference and it was awesome!

 

Untitled…

Your Hands...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking


I never leave Your hands


When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking


I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...


I never leave Your hands

JJ Heller

Welcome to the world Sophia Vivian

Watching a new life take it's first breath is beyond words...

She reminds me of this...

Sophia is a miracle baby, long wished for and loved deeply...

She reminds me that there is hope...




"All my life in every season, You are still God... I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship..." -Hillsong

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."
- Sarah, from I Am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words

Today I witnessed/assisted a beautiful, peaceful birth. I felt so blessed to be able to attend a in-real-life birth instead of just reading about it an watching videos and TV shows of births. It was fantastic!

It began last night at 9pm with a phone call from my favorite Midwife. With the possibility of an opportunity to attend a home water birth of a 3rd child. At 11 labor was picking up and I got the call to head to their home.

We waited all night with little progress, (napping, laughing, and chatting) until 8am this morning when things began picking up. (fetal heart tones, BP, pulse, checks, herbal baths)

Baby Boy entered this world at 3:47 pm, blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso and despite some completions determining gestational age, is a healthy, pink, 42 week old.

So awesome!

I cannot even write about how I feel about this amazing event, words are not enough! I absolutely love the team of fabulous midwife/doulas I spent the night with. I just want to remember the details forever like:

freezing
camels and llamas
wrong ultrasounds
13lb babies
pancake placenta
2 sweet little girls becoming big sisters
cute little face delivered

My jobs:
Boiling water ("Baby can't come until the water is boiled")
charting vitals
setting up
carrying stuff
warm receiving blanket hander
BP cuff warmer
dish washer loader
Big-sisters-to-be retriever

Awesome awesome awesome.... Lord you are awesome

In LOVE...

With This

Intense

Silly

Sweet

little guy
<3>

I am amazed by the awesomeness of God as I sit listening a to lullaby CD, watching this sweet little guy sleep peacefully on the baby monitor. I am in awe of his sweet personality. I feel so blessed to have the awesome responsibility to care for little Trygger. To be a part of his life. His life holds so much in store for him. He has AMAZING parents, genuine, compassionate, lifetime learner parents who have been such an influence on my life and continue to be.

I cannot help but get a bit excited and antsy for the life I long for to begin as I sit in this cozy house in my favorite city, surrounded by books of the faith, with a tiny cloth diapered baby upstairs and a big 'ol dog by my feet. This is what I was created to do, to love babies, to care for them, to live deeply...

For now, though, I will close the computer, pull out the text books and begin to study for exam week, striving to be content with where I am now in the journey... Growing in the Soil of Hope

yup... I may not be a momma but I am a baby wearer!

Happiness is...