heavy...

January has been a heavy month...

In the snow that finally decided to fall.
Dreams
Thoughts
Events

I am prepping for life to take me on another tailspin, and although I am grateful and excited. I am a bit terrified. Can I do this? I can't imagine myself doing anything else...

There are so many things that are falling into place that I find myself in constant amazement at how God takes care of this undeserving sinner.

February is about to get very interesting and very busy...

This I Believe #2

I Believe in the Journey. The rough roads made smooth by years of trodding back and forth to the same places, over and over again. Painfully repeating lessons you thought you have learned.

I Believe in wondering broken roads in broken places, wiping the dust off the glass to peer inside the run down heart. I believe in actively seeking by hiding in the back pew of a mega church is just as important sometimes as standing at the pulpit.

I believe that the journey can be made by leading people in worship, teaching children "Jesus Loves Me", The patterns of Sit, stand, kneel and recitations at Mass.

 

I believe it is in entering a mosque with  head covered, praying at the beach to the waves, sitting in the silence at a Friends' Meeting, breaking bread at a Seder table.

 

I believe in being washed in the blood, bathed in chilly baptismal waters behind a pulpit, and icy waters of lake Superior.  Sprinkled. Poured. Immersed.  

 

I believe in energy, touch, and the sacredness of the moon felt in circles of women and tents of red. The dance to the beat of a drum in honor of Mother Earth, Healings and Miracles.

 

As it is said "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. 

 

I believe being human is touching, loving, hating and pondering. It is love, fear, hurt and joy. We are drawn to these things, to each other, to the earth, and to our creator.

This I Believe #1

I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe in the vessel that holds and nourishes life deep inside. I believe in the powers and the passenger and the passageway. I believe in the power of women, in birth, in the journey to enter the world. I believe in the mess, the blood and the soil.  

I believe that pregnancy is a normal and natural process, not a medical condition. I believe that women should be able to choose where to give birth and that babies should choose when to be born. I believe that birth changes women into mothers far more than in name. I have seen a mother become a mother for the first and for the fifth time and the transformation is there no matter the number. When the baby transitions into the birth canal there is fierceness. When the baby crowns it is a holy moment in which, all in the room become one as a fresh infant slithers into the world and onto its mother’s chest.

I believe in the magic that happens when a baby opens its eyes this side of heaven and sees the world for the first time. I believe in the power of a baby’s fist breath and throttled cry to bring a gown man to his knees, tears to a mother’s eye, and a knowing glimmer in the midwife’s heart.  I believe in standing back, a silent witness to the creation of a family.

I believe in the powers that ripen the cervix and prepare the way for change – uncomfortable, painful but necessary. I believe in the passenger, perfectly formed and ready to make the journey. I believe in the passageway that connects lives together forever.

2011

Whoa… that pretty much sums up this year.

 

It has been a whirlwind. January of 2011 I was in total panic mode. I entered my last semester of college and needed a plan. I was taking a couple challenging courses and was concerned about passing them. (I took a few really fun classes too!) I had to figure out what came next. Where would I work? Where would I live?

Needless to say, I graduated, found a place to work, and signed a lease on an apartment. I discovered new places and explored my new city. I worked two different jobs and met new people. I missed my friends that are now all spread from coast to coast and all over the world. I missed my community at Hope… yet I have stayed connected and will continue to hold tight to our ever evolving relationships as we figure out this grown-up stuff.

Comically, (sort of) I am beginning 2012 in the same boat. Where will I work? Where will I live? As I pack up my life once more and move across the state. This time feels different though. I will be doing something I love and I have experience starting over. the boat is still a bit wobbly though as it leaves the shore. This sailor hates not knowing what lies ahead. I long for BIG changes and fear both those changes and the idea that a year from now nothing will have changed.

Now for the year in review:

 

    

In this time of Advent, I play one of my favorite Christmas songs and think of all the babies that have changed everything in my life;

The foster babies

(Ciara, Cordelia, Devontae, Kiara, Alyah, Kuran, Brandon)

 The 7

The hundreds of children I have held from daycare and babysitting

Guatemala babies

Isabella

Miracle babies 

The babies that never made it earthside

I think of the babies of the future that will pass from my hands into their mother's as they take their first breath

I think of the babies that will someday be mine, the ones I will carry in my womb and in my heart

I think of that baby, born in a stable, wrapped in cloths, whose birth was attended by the angels.

I am reminded, that my God knows exactly what makes me tick, how to get my attention, how to teach me, how to remind me I am loved. 

A baby changes everything...

Theme song of the month...

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!"

If I was Debt Free

I am trying to win “the $500 Enemy of Debt competition, sponsored by Life Insurance Finder the life insurance comparison experts”

If I was debt free I would

Return to the Philippines

 

 Return to Guatemala

 

Finish midwife training

Bucket List...

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details. 

1. Become a midwife
2. Become a mother 
3. Be a foster/Adoptive parent
4. Return to the Philippines 
5. Return to Guatemala
6. Give back more than I recieve
7. Dance in the rain with my family
8. Harry Potter World (enough said!)
9. Buy a bookshelf (to get my 19 boxes of books up and out of the closet!) 
10. Swim in Lake Superior 
11. Sit on top of a mountain
12. Get novel published
13. Write a children's book
14. Visit a new place
15. Get Healthy

Someday...

Day Bath


Last night I walked him back and forth,
his small head heavy against my chest,
round eyes watching me in the dark,
his body a sandbag in my arms.
I longed for sleep but couldn't bear his crying
so bore him back and forth until the sun rose
and he slept. Now the doors are open,
noon sunlight coming in,
and I can see fuchsias opening.
Now we bathe. I hold him, the soap
makes our skins glide past each other.
I lay him wet on my thighs, his head on my knees,
his feet dancing against my chest,
and I rinse him, pouring water
from my cupped hand.
No matter how I feel, he's the same,
eyes expectant, mouth ready,
with his fat legs and arms,
his belly, his small solid back.
Last night I wanted nothing more
than to get him out of my arms.
Today he fits neatly
along the hollow my thighs make,
and with his fragrant skin against mine
I feel brash, like a sunflower.


~Debra Spencer from Pomegranate

good words...

On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

And when your eyes

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

beannacht - john o'donohue