It's a _______ life!

Weird

Amazing

Terrifying

Joyfull

Full

Sleep deprived

Life giving

Blessed 

Some people....

We've all head the quote, and variations of it.

Some people stay a season, 9 months, a year, a decade, a lifetime.

Some people wonder in and out.

Some people come back.

Others are only memories.



But we are never, ever the same

Guilty pleasure

This girl may be 25, but when "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus comes on the radio I always turn it up. The lyrics hit home and I catch myself tearing up every time.



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on




This mountain I'm climbing is tough, it can be scary and stressful and sleep depriving but its amazing and big and filled with miracles and i will never stop climbing...

(Now if only I felt this way about running lol)

Words

It's crazy how a kind word can bring you right back to that HS freshman longing for approval. Tonight I am grateful for my teachers, who still encourage this nearly 25 year old.

Untitled…

blah

Gray days in my heart

When I miss the bright days

And want to run away

Maybe get lost here

When what I need to do is focus on this

I am stuck in the tension of this week...
I always suck at transitions
Especially birthday week

I want to be so much more
I can't stop dreaming about a future
catching babies
raising babies
traveling
Planting myself firmly in the soil of Holland

There is so much in my way it seems
but if it wasn't meant to be I'd like to think the Lord would take the desire away...

and

If it is meant to be... wouldn't He tear the walls down?


I think it is time for a bubble bath and a nap

Powerful...

The best 4 minutes of television ever.
The ultimate loss...
The highest praise...

Lord, that we may be able to praise you like that...
every day of our lives

Jane Elliott

I was blessed to be in the presence of a powerful woman. Jane Elliott The 3rd grade teacher who created the Blue eye/brown eye experiment the day after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. She told her students with blue eyes that they were stupid, lazy and incapable of success. Her brown-eyed students were brilliant. She said that she saw in 15 min. a child with Dyslexia learn to read on grade level, and a bright child who read at a 6th grade level stutter while reading aloud. As a blue-eyed person herself, she realized how angry it made her that for the first time people had to obey her, but not respect her.

She discussed, ranted, yelled, growled and teared up discussing violence against women, rape, homophobia, racism, ageism, and ethnocentrism. She declared herself a B*%@# and was proud of it. She told the men that just because they had the ability to harm a woman that didn't make it right to "take a cold shower, take lots of cold showers, jump in a lake, drown yourself, but keep it in your pants"

She brought up a white man and a black woman, she asked them about power, the man said his height gave him power and his sex gave him power, the woman has no power. She brought up that the end of "America the Beautiful" says, Land of the free (pointing to the man) and the home of the brave (pointing to the woman) The woman admitted to sending out her children each day knowing what kinds of intolerance and just pure hatred that they would experience each day because sof the color of their skin.

She gave a lot to think about, she is against abortion for herself and homosexuality for herself, but she says we should leave other people's bodies alone.

Mrs. Elliott used feminine pronouns for God, which was really interesting to see since I am in a theology class about Christian feminism. (To clarify my views on this is that pronouns help with the relationship aspect of God, bringing him closer, but also take away from the magnitude of the mystery of God, think how the Jews did not call God by a name. God is not boxed by strictly male or female qualities. God-language to me can be either, both or none (he/she/or just God)

She talked in statistics, commanded attention from the community members and college students, with her 4ft10in frame towering above us. she was rough, and real and angry. I loved her! I love how Hope College a conservative liberal arts college in the middle of Reformed church land is integrating more liberal aspects, allowing the community to be exposed to different ideas and form our own opinions, because many of the students grew up in this land of Western Michigan and many more in communities like this and have no exposure to different opinions.

Please continue to pray for Stellan, Richard, end of the year final stuff, summer situations, and for me to figure out how to get back to the Phils soon!

Salamat po! (Thank-you in Tagalog)

Misc.

I have been thinking for a while on how exactly to blog this, The past few weeks have been good, but trying. I am drained, yet have kept up my spirits. I have been doing brave things, not everyday, like I am supposed to but I am getting better. During this time of *minor* stress there have been a couple of things that have really helped.

Walking Frally: Frally is my former RD's (Resident Director) dog. She is spunky and full of energy, she is still a puppy so is naughty, but doesn't care. She makes me smile and getting out in the cold, and sunshine helps me to think and unwind. I can walk off-campus and not be a college student for a little while. I can think about decicians I need to make outside, where I can't get emotional about them. I get to see JKK, who is such an inspiration to me.

LJ Sundays with J: Studying at Lemonjellos (LJs), a fair-trade local coffee shop, is good. Sipping a Chai Tea and listening to music, surrounded by people studying and conversing is good. It is almost holy, in a sense, it is community, which is what we are supposed to be as humankind. And J pretty much rocks, she is so strong and yet allows herself to be open, she listens well, and i have learned a lot from her.

Refocusing: Refocusing my attention on the task at hand has become easier. I am not dwelling on my thoughts and letting them overtake my mind. I am able remind myself when I get stuck in the "worst case senario" frame of mind, that the "what-ifs" are only ok , if a soultion is found quickly. I don't let the wheels keep turning for no reason as much anymore. And I am begining to trust more in myself that if the "worst case senario" happens, I am perfectly capable of figuring out the soultion when and if it happens.

Dancing: We dance in my cottage. It is good. If you drive/walk by at night you might see us. Please don't make fun of us if you do.

"Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." ~Author Unknown
"Stifling an urge to dance is bad for your health - it rusts your spirit and your hips." ~Adabella Radici


Overall I have been more adventurous, trying new Chai Tea drinks, going to the SAC movies, listening, paying attention to the little things, connecting, pondering on a new level. I am realizing what it means to be a child of Hope and what "Growing World Christians in the Soil of Hope" means. I am getting old. Please pray for me.

Something to think about...

As we enter Lent...

What do I know...

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Ponderings...

The breeze at dawn has things to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.

Don't let your throat tighten
with fear. Take sips of breath
all day and night, before death
closes your mouth.

The morning wind spreads its fresh smell
We must get up and take that in,
that wind that lets us live.
Breathe before it's gone.

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, when you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood
Dance, when you're perfectly free

~Rumi

Live fully...

Ponderings...

I am in a strange season of life right now. I can see the ways I have grown, and the ways in which I still need to grow. Some areas are flowering and others need to be pruned back as they are withered.

I pray differently. I am past the Sunday School answers. I see the grays and am overwhelmed by the light that He shines in this dark world. I am studying harder. Listening better and shutting up more. I am learning to let go and move on, yet holding on tighter than ever to what I need to. My life depends on this ability to let go and hold on. I am old. My plans are loosening up and I nearly have the courage to commit.

I am still holding back from doing things I love, or think i might love. I still feel the pressure to do what i am "supposed" and to ignore the pull of my heart. To be truthful, it is safer to do what i am supposed to do. To keep telling myself i could never be brave enough to jump in head-on. I have gotten in this popular mindset that there must always be a plan -- a good plan. That you are better off being safe. I am tired of being safe, yet my soul trembles at the thought of the "unsafe".

I surprised myself today in being O.K. with news i received, that came as no surprise. I expected this and as God has proven time and time again I will be ready when the time comes.

That is quite a concept too, being ready when the time comes. We worry and groan about changes in the future, when it is inevitable... yet when it is time we are ready, deep down inside we are ready, whether we admit it or not.

Tomorrow are Tuesday's memorial "waggie rides"

Sweet Abby is in the hospital in pain, struggling to beat the cancer that is beating up her little body

And well, I don't know... Babies are not supposed to hurt or die, but when they do... is there ever a point in which you are ready?

Will there be a point when i say YES and do what my heart seems to want to do, even though it is scary? When will I be brave enough to say Yeah I am going to Doula training, Yeah I am going to midwife training in the Philippines, Yeah I am teaching a class of elementary kids, Yeah I have a date, and we are getting serious, Yeah I can be your shoulder to cry on, Yes, I am here for you no matter what, Yeah, if you need a place to stay come stay with me, it isn't much but we will be just fine. Will I be brave enough to let go when it is the final goodbye. When will i be brave enough to forgive. Will I be ever be brave enough to accept the deepest heartbreak if i am unable to have children?

These are my ponderings tonight as I lay my head down to rest...

But oh, how blessed I am, because greater is HE that is in me, mighty and strong, loving and just. I am cradled in His arms of unfailing love. For that I say Praise the Lord, Mahal kita Diyos, Maraming Salamat Po Diyos. Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.

Grace...

I know You are in the midst... I feel Your presence... Your voice whispers...

yet

I don't understand

I don't see the greater good

I can't touch You

I just can't reach

You

Them

Me

yet

You are here

You are now

You have always been

Babies shouldn't suffer

Babies shouldn't feel pain

Babies shouldn't flutter away

too soon

too soon

too soon


Please keep Tuesday and her family and friends in your prayers.

like a sour apple sucker droped to the ground...

I spent the evening reading over old writings from school and my word file back ups of my old blog on yahoo 360. In one post i mentioned having a bad attitude one like a sour apple sucker dropped to the ground. I have noticed i have been like that lately, not pushing through my thoughts and emotions the way i should be, and being very negative. Not all the time, in fact I am far from the point I was nearly 4 years ago when i wrote that blog, I am happier, stronger, but i have my moments and my days when that whoa is me feeling creeps upon me and shadows the light i am called to shine. It happens. Life is hard sometimes. Remembering is hard. Today was hard. It is difficult to be exposed to so much violence and memories like i was today while watching the movie "Where the Day Takes You" about runaways in the streets of California. right after discussing rape as a tactic of war in the DRC and the rape instances in the bible of Tamar, and the concubine, the sacrifice of a virgin daughter etc. (Theology of Christian Feminism) Tough day. Earlier this week i met with my prof. for child welfare looking for answers, i didn't get any, but had a lot of my questions and thoughts validated. It hurts to love people... to worry and pray and talk and cry and hold people, but it is so necessary and so wonderful at the same time. Please keep my girls in your prayers, they are having a rough time now, risidual effects from the past traumas. I don't know what else to do.

An old answer to a question:


"Why do I get so attached to babies? I know that I could never stop being with children, but it would be nice if i didn't get attached and just looked at it as a fun job to pass the time. But it is so much more. When you dance around the living room with a giggling toddler, rock back and forth in front of a window with an exhausted, teething newborn into the wee hours of the night, dose off in a rocking chair with a lap full of sisters, kiss boo-boos, tie shoes, talk for hours about tough stuff with pre-teans while lounging on noodles in the back yard pool, how can you not involve your heart in some way? "

Letter to my girls...

To my Girls,

I know this is coming from someone who is never experienced what you have experienced in the past and are experiencing now. I do not claim to know anything about what it means to be in a relationship except for what I have seen and heard from people, both good and bad. This is not meant to be a stay pure talk nor is it me trying to say what is right and what is wrong to do, or not to do. It is not my place to put myself on a pedestal and claim I know anything, but for a moment I would like to stand on my soap box and share some things that I think should be said as you journey through this chaotic time in life.

Being a teenager is a messy time, no matter what you are into, what group you belong to, or what groups you don’t belong to. It is scary, fun, and filled with so many things. I have been there, recently ;) and I know the things I did and I observed many other things from my peers. I saw people meet the One that they eventually married and I have seen people hurt so deeply that they were never the same again.

You! Yes You! No matter where you come from or where you have been are worthy of respect from everyone, which is why i am attempting to compose this letter to you as an adult. You have seen and experienced more things in your life than anyone should ever have to. Some things are deep inside you that others will never know and some are so deep that you are not even aware of them, it is true for all of us. We hide what we choose not to face, and our subconscious (the level of understanding so deep inside that we are not aware of its thoughts) hide the things we cannot face, because they would be to difficult to unearth. This is where actions like cutting, suicidal thoughts and poems, self-hatred, over eating, under-eating, drug abuse, sexual addictions, come from. They are not games or no big deal; they come from feelings so strong that we are not aware of them.

Sometimes even relationships are born out of our feelings of unworthiness, we are beings created to love and to be loved and we seek out ways to connect to others on a meaningful level. And even sometimes when we do not feel that the love we receive is adequate we seek out relationships with others.

Respect does not just mean treating someone as an equal, or not treating someone like trash. Respect is being able to see the creator inside of the creation. It goes beyond the Sunday school answer of “for God so loved the world” or “Jesus loves me” The Lord is a God who deeply cares for his creation more than we can even imagine. He loves us so much that he gave us the sun rising, the stars, a baby’s laughter, friends, and yes even relationships with significant others. He loves us so much he gives us the choice of responding to him out of free-will to make our own choices about how to pursue finding the One. Remember there is no separation between life and spiritual life, they are all connected.

Respect is never feeling pressured to do what makes that still small voice inside your heart tremble. I am saying all this so that you will know that I am praying for you and that I deeply care about you as not only my XXXXXXXXXXX but as young women whom I love for the unique and wonderful people that you are. Never ever be afraid to seek assistance when you need it, to tell someone no, or even to tell someone yes when the time is right. Remember I am always, always here for you to listen non-judgmentally, to offer help, or to just sit with you hold you and to cry. We are constantly learning throughout our journeys; that is one thing that will never change. And ladies, remember this, because even when I am “all grown up” I will still be there for you and my door will always be open no matter what! (but please keep 3am house visits to a minimum lol)

You are my heart and my heroes! You have come so far from those scared little scrawny kids that showed up at the door of my heart all those years ago. I don’t know if you remember those first few months, but I do. I still have the necklace that M gave me one night, before you were in foster care, or how cute and also sad it was how K was so concerned about R in the beginning, or how heartbreaking E's little face was as she struggled to fight back tears when D, K and I had to drop her and R back at her foster home until we could get you for keeps. You are my inspiration and my heroes because of who you were back then and you have become since then. My eyes fill with tears of joy as I write this because I love you so much. I thank my God that you are in my life and pray that we will always be close. My kids need some super aunts someday, and I need great friends who are courageous, beautiful, and amazing women of God.

With all my heart,

Courtney