Nanny-ing...

It is so hard to be all that i want to be, all that i feel like i need to be, and i know that i am not the only one. I see the AIDS orphans, i need to hold them. I see the man looking for food in the dumpster, i need to feed him. I see the friend trying to hide her pain, i need to ask. I hear someone wish for something, i need to provide. The "I" is the problem... I know that we are to look to God to fulfil our needs, but i feel so pulled to respond that it has become a need that "I" need to fulfil. Re-reading this it probably doesn't make any sense sorry! I can't seem to be able to explain myself very well lately, my articulation is off, probably a sign from God that i need to shut-up a bit more and talk less cause it is not my turn...

I have been baby-sitting in Frankenmuth this weekend for an 8 year old girl, her brother was here as well. I am discovering lately that maybe the reason i love baby-sitting so much, besides my love for kids is that i love to run a beautiful household, if only for a short while. I know that things are not what is important, but it is nice to have access to the little luxuries of families that are well off, (nice furniture, big houses, wireless Internet, fancy kitchen appliances) I am happy with what i have, but someday i would love to have a home like the ones i baby-sit in.

How are you?

As the good book says, "love is patient..." I now know why.

It has been a year of being patient through the struggles, a year of sitting on the sidelines, watching, waiting, not knowing what to do or say and a year of understanding, speaking, praying, calling, knowing

knowing. knowing. knowing.

Knowing that even though I don't know -- I do. Hopefully that makes sense to my readers. It seems to be the only way to put it. it is the essence of Alam mo ny an: "You know already", trust yourself, be yourself, encourage others, love, love completely, fully engaged, passionately, non-judging and pure. be patient,

patient, patient. patient

We are all like little children who need patience, a smile, a touch, understanding. There is that little girl or boy that God created still lingering in the deepest part of us, that cries out in comfort, or is brutally silenced by oppression. We have all seen the inquisitive look in a child's eyes, and likewise the crushed spirit of a child who is abused or neglected by society.

Where is that little boy or girl in you?

How is S/he doing?

Alone time...

I am really glad i stayed at Hope for spring break. I have had a lot of time to think and pray, relax and be productive. It is a nice introduction to the ripe old age of 20. Who am i as a 20 year old student, woman, sister, friend, cousin and child care provider? I am discovering more about that each day as i get braver and begin to own what it is to be Courtney Kay Blackwell.

I have also been thinking a lot about Christine McCarthy who is pregnant with her 4th little girl. her placenta implanted outside her uterus and she is in danger of delivering early, death for the baby, death for her. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery for the baby and the mother and pray for her 3 daughters, Josie (5), Rachel (4), and Grace (2) and her amazing husband Kevin.

There are a lot of people in my life who are hurting right now, and a few young teenagers that i deeply care about that are going through some tough stuff. I want to remind them that I am praying for them and that it is possible to resist temptation that there are other ways to spend time with people of the opposite gender. That having integrity is not only for God and your family, but it is for yourself as well. Be Strong Girls! I love You!