I am selfish... I am selfish with time. Maybe, I am just too easily angered. but that is the curse of the coming March 13th. March is a tough month for me. Things seem to be all mixed up in March, pain, stress, love, joy, peace, war are deeper felt.
It is Alcohol awareness week, or whatever it is called, and for some reason it kind of bugs me. I feel like it is kind of pointless considering what i witness multiple times each week. i don't understand the point of drinking to get drunk or buzzed. Alcoholic beverages are ok, as long as you limit the intake and don't act stupid. What really upsets me is that people don't respect regulations. The campus is dry, please don't bring your alcohol on campus, which is my home! Go have A drink but please don't come back and talk about all the stupid stuff you did last night while you were drinking way to much...illegally and say it was "so bad" while laughing and joking about it. Sometimes i wish that they would get caught, most of the time i feel like it is ignored, it is not like they are quiet about it. That is my biggest problem with college right now. It is also frustrating that people who make poor choices are still academically sound, on the dean's list, and not have to work as much as i do so they get to nap... oh yeah.. i am so jealous of people who get to nap!
I love being with elegant people. It is a refreshing reminder that there is life outside of school and work. The witness of a Christ centered home, simplicity and unselfish love. It amazes me how my attitude can do a complete 360 after sipping water from wine glasses, and eating pizza and carrot sticks followed by amazing conversation. The words of brilliantly talented Hope Students and Faculty, Western Students and Faculty echo in my heart and i am reassured. I am happy. I am peace again. I am blessed to be surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses and even more blessed to see how much our small circle has in common. Yes, they too are struggling, and Yes, I too am brilliant and talented.
It's times like this when i am on top of things that i feel so overwhelmed by my calling. it's hard to describe the feeling of call, or to discern exactly what the call is towards. It feels BIG. When the Dean of Faculty of Western was telling her story of being an education major and teaching 4th grade for 4 years then quiting and going to seminary she said that she had to kinda prove that she could do it, to her parents, peers, and organized denominations. She just did it. and that has been something that i have shied away from all my life -- just doing it. Back in 10th grade i was struggling with an honors class and the teachers that taught it. i was discussing the matter with my choir director, whom i was really close to, during a downtime at a rehearsal for the musical. Another teacher/assistant director whom i was not to fond of turned around and said, "It's there club you want to join, suck it up and just do it!" I was taken aback at the time but his words have been in the back of my mind ever since. It is hard to push onward when you don't think you can do something, but it is even harder when you don't think you are worthy enough to succeed. Right now, in this beautiful evening as the sun sets on this blustery sunny day. I feel worthy.