Monday, May 27, 2013

Stumble after you...

I really should know better. God always speaks in whispers and shouts when I need it most. 

This evening a friend of mine, who is an inspiration to my recent attempt at developing a running habit, encouraged me to suck it up and do 3 miles tomorrow. Ugh. Have I mentioned that, although I can't say I hate running anymore, it's still not my favorite. (I've moved to the strongly dislike phase. Progress!) so anyways I get in my car to head to work tonight, put the iPhone on shuffle and plug it it. 

This song below comes on, I melt. Once again to be refined by the fire of my creator. 

A few weeks ago I posted "I don't wanna" as my status. That same friend told me to go run. When I asked her how she knew that's what I was talking about she said "it's the only thing you consistently complain about" ouch... 

Ouch because although running makes me tired, makes me feel like I can't breathe, hurts my foot and fatigues my legs, takes up time, makes me all sweaty and gross and is disappointing because it takes me forever to complete my miles... I have a body that allows me to do it, a fat, slow and clumsy body, but a capable one.

 As the song played I thought about the veterans in wheelchairs in the memorial day parade today. 

I thought about every toddler I have ever witnessed learning take their first steps, their confidence and endurance, no matter how many times they fall. 

I thought about my buddies with CP, a little boy who lives to run when holding on to both of my hands propelling himself trusting his legs and my arms will keep him safe. A young girl who loved to swing , a 10 year old boy who crawled to me to hear a story. 

I thought about my Elianna who drs said would probably never walk,  who after years of work can walk, and play without the assistance of her walker. 

I thought about my "baby" Gabe with spina bifida, who worked so hard to take those first steps on legs that are hard for him to feel, and how a surgury that was for his best interest caused him to have to relearn how to stand.

Tomorrow's run is for them, no matter how slow, and yucky it is, no matter how much I stumble. Thank you God o ce again for drowning me in grace I don't deserve. 

Stumble After You

Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?


Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.

Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace.


2 comments:

Jill said...

I absolutely love this post Courtney. I am SO proud of you, keep running

Katie said...

Beautiful Courtney. Proud of you for getting out there and running too. It is easy to find excuses, and inspirational to find strength in others. We miss you!