Sunday, September 11, 2011

Confessions and ponderings...

I have to admit, lately I have been pretty down. So much so that by the weekends it is very easy for me to sit around all day and read or watch movies. I have been dabbling into some crafty things lately such as knitting and scrap-booking, but it is hard to get the motivation to do much else on my own. It was nice this weekend to have lunch with my aunt and to have my former co-worker's baby spend the night it kept me up and about while still allowing me to relax a bit after a hectic work week.

I am also a bit discouraged with my future goals lately, for both internal and external reasons.  I am cautiously testing the water before I jump in. Playing it safe is where I am comfortable, but there is a certain bit of discomfort with hesitation.
It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are peeking around the edge with one eye closed.

It is hard to have the courage to jump in and run through the tunnel, when it seems like so many stones are blocking the entrance.

I am struggling distant with my faith lately. I know and feel that God is near but we are having a silent time.

I know I have been called to serve the Lord by serving babies, children and mamas. I know that I will someday "catch" babies, return to an orphanage to work with the babies and young pregnant women that are living there, I know that someday I will attend a court hearing that will declare a child mine, I know that someday I will give back a child that is not "mine" to keep, I know that someday I will try to carry a child in my own womb.

I know that I am ok right now with where I am and with what I am doing. I know that the day to day is temporary and that I need to stop checking off the days as done and enjoy them more, because time moves so fast. In a blink of an eye 10 years pass. In 17 months I will have spent a quarter of a century earth-side. As someone once said, "Don't count the days, make the day's count" I am trying.

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