Thursday, January 08, 2015

Things changed....

I remember what it used to look like. Jumping into a solid team, Bring nervous that I would screw up, or get "fired", being excited, camping out, Carpooling, The pure bliss of being naive. Starry eyed, hopeful, blessed. 

Then things changed 

I remember it being two of us, organizing things so I was able to quickly respond and read the cues I worked so hard to learn, charting and watching, willing my mind to learn so my hands could one day follow suit. Holding tightly to the robes and following close enough to be covered in the dust. 

Then things changed

I remember when we became 3. Trying to show the ropes to someone while making sure things got done, learning to share, sometimes being freed up from the chart to catch and sometimes watching the 2 of them work together, handing them what was needed, smiling, watching growth. I remember becoming a team, finding our grove. 

Then things changed

I remember trying to soak up whatever I could, knowing time was limited, bring brave as a team and doing hard things to prove we could do it instead of relaying on someone to rescue us, I remember looking up and seeing the pride in my mentors face seeing us work. I remember wondering how someone could trust me this much and although I had the skills, I doubted if I had the faith in myself to do it without her. 

Then things changed

I remember the fear. I remember tears and holding back. I remember not having a choice. I remember those who wrapped their arms and spoke words of light into the darkness. I chose not to remember the darkness spilled into it by others. I remember tough love and putting one foot in front of the other. I remembered to breathe and feel my feet on the floor all, over again

Then things changed

I remember grace, I remember butter births and laughter and finding our groove, discovering we were not only surviving, but thriving. I remember feeling proud, and overwhelmed with all at had occurred.

Then things changed

I remember transitions being hard, having to be reminded that one can love more then one thing at the same time, I remember happiness, and relief. And realizing that this change wasn't going to be as I expected, and nothing stays the same. Accepting responsibility and finally believing that I knew what I was doing. 

And things will change

Over and over and over again.

I will grow, I will become a teacher, I will serve and give up control, (because none of us have any control over anything anyways.) I will have fun! I will not be exhausting but will communicate clearly. 

I will learn to be comfortable in the unknowns. I will trust in the bigger plan and know that everything will work out. Because what God has ordained, he has always seen through. 

By his grace alone is this unworthy mess worthy of this incredible never ending always changing adventure. 

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