Update

I'm happy. I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I'm busy and learning and growing and happy. Yes there is stress and pain and sadness, but there is overwhelming joy. 

Today after running (including a mile of running without stopping to walk! Take that ms. Haynes!) visiting my favorite little gray pony and candlelight yoga I went out for sushi (and hot sake) with a friend. 

This friend, and mentor, who told me a few months ago that I was a fly trapped in a jar, told me tonight that she is watching me grow and learn to put value to myself.

I brushed her words off on the outside, but internally they melted into my heart and I actually believed them this time. I am gaining confidence each day, living more, playing hard, praying, pushing, growing, and loving fiercer then ever before. 

There is a song that goes "words can build us up, words can bring us down, put a fire in our hearts or put it out" sometimes it's the words we speak to ourselves that drown out the words others are trying to get us to hear. 

There are days for sure, but lately joy is right around the corner. 

Stumble after you...

I really should know better. God always speaks in whispers and shouts when I need it most. 

This evening a friend of mine, who is an inspiration to my recent attempt at developing a running habit, encouraged me to suck it up and do 3 miles tomorrow. Ugh. Have I mentioned that, although I can't say I hate running anymore, it's still not my favorite. (I've moved to the strongly dislike phase. Progress!) so anyways I get in my car to head to work tonight, put the iPhone on shuffle and plug it it. 

This song below comes on, I melt. Once again to be refined by the fire of my creator. 

A few weeks ago I posted "I don't wanna" as my status. That same friend told me to go run. When I asked her how she knew that's what I was talking about she said "it's the only thing you consistently complain about" ouch... 

Ouch because although running makes me tired, makes me feel like I can't breathe, hurts my foot and fatigues my legs, takes up time, makes me all sweaty and gross and is disappointing because it takes me forever to complete my miles... I have a body that allows me to do it, a fat, slow and clumsy body, but a capable one.

 As the song played I thought about the veterans in wheelchairs in the memorial day parade today. 

I thought about every toddler I have ever witnessed learning take their first steps, their confidence and endurance, no matter how many times they fall. 

I thought about my buddies with CP, a little boy who lives to run when holding on to both of my hands propelling himself trusting his legs and my arms will keep him safe. A young girl who loved to swing , a 10 year old boy who crawled to me to hear a story. 

I thought about my Elianna who drs said would probably never walk,  who after years of work can walk, and play without the assistance of her walker. 

I thought about my "baby" Gabe with spina bifida, who worked so hard to take those first steps on legs that are hard for him to feel, and how a surgury that was for his best interest caused him to have to relearn how to stand.

Tomorrow's run is for them, no matter how slow, and yucky it is, no matter how much I stumble. Thank you God o ce again for drowning me in grace I don't deserve. 

Stumble After You

Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?

Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.

Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace.

Summer 2013 Bucket list

Run the crim

Marquette

Fish

Lots of girl time

First Pedicure

Kayak or canoe

Ride a motorcycle 

Zoo

Holland 

Garden

Dance in the rain

Swim weekly

Beach

Outside daily

Trail ride 

Volunteer with golden ponies  

Spend time with friends 

Bon fires

Parades

Nature hikes

Kensington

Independence oaks

Get my LLC 

Have at least 1 doula client 

Births

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
You know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been

Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Who knew a Mumford and sons song could relate to midwifery? 

What a wild and amazing ride it's been since quitting my "day job". I am feeling more confident day by day and am starting to believe and claim the words of affermation those who support me have been saying all along: "you've got this" "good job". Today I cried tears of joy as i thought about the magnitude of the trust and confience others have in me. 

I'm getting better at running (even though I still hate it, I'm doing it). I landed a postpartum doula job ( it starts tomorrow since the babe was early, pray for me as this week was already super busy). I'm also working with another midwife as an assistant, playing hard, having lots of pony time, and trying new things. 

This plan is actually working! Who knew? :) 

Some people....

We've all head the quote, and variations of it.

Some people stay a season, 9 months, a year, a decade, a lifetime.

Some people wonder in and out.

Some people come back.

Others are only memories.



But we are never, ever the same

Update

It's your grace when we're human
It's your mercy when we're undeserving
It's your faith when we're faithless
It's your comfort when we're sad
You are still when we're restless
You are thunder when we're silent
You are calm when we rage
Your are peace when we are violent - Carry me


It's been a busy, scary, fun, happy, sad, life filled, emotional, month since I quit my "day job". I know I made the right choice but some days it's hard to shut the negative voice in my head up.

I may be crazy but I'm still trusting in that Romans 8:28 promise that "all things work together for good." And that he's carrying me and blessing me with more grace then I deserve.

Guilty pleasure

This girl may be 25, but when "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus comes on the radio I always turn it up. The lyrics hit home and I catch myself tearing up every time.



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on




This mountain I'm climbing is tough, it can be scary and stressful and sleep depriving but its amazing and big and filled with miracles and i will never stop climbing...

(Now if only I felt this way about running lol)

Big News...

I recently took a big step out of my comfort zone.

I. Quit. Daycare.

This is kind of a big deal for me as I have been doing daycare forever. No really I grew up at this center and have taken care of hundreds of kids, that each hold a special place in my heart (yes, even the most precious ones, Jill) Daycare is comfortable, I know exactly what to do. I can change the diapers of a roomful of toddlers in minutes. I know the art of making a perfect temperature bottle. I can turn a room full of crabby kiddos into a room full of cooperative learners with a song and dance. I know daycare. I also knew that daycare would not be forever. I love children, I enjoy teaching, rocking, singing, and painting with the little ones. I love their hugs and smiles. I am blessed and very gratful that I was called to do daycare for a while, but when you hear the call to move, no matter how terrifying it is, you move.

I have been a Midwife's Aprentice for a year now, and am going to continue to do so while working towards my short and long term goals. I am taking my doula certification class in a couple months. I am doing part-time nanny work, and freelancing in the birth world. Placenta encapsulation anyone? :)


.

Out like a lamb.... HA

March was a crazy month! I probably can count the number of times I slept in my own bed on one hand, I've yet to sleep in my new apartment.

• Went to Great Wolf Lodge with the roomies
• Dog sat for "The Boss"
• Turned 25
• Gabe's Surgery
• Mama went to Flordia for my uncle's surgery
• Said hello and goodye to sweet baby S
• Dog sat for K.
• Moved
• Started a new job
• Babysat for a week while a friend of mine went to London

All with several Mamas due! Call me crazy lol

Reflections on birth

Random thoughts saved on my phone for the last few births.

******************************************

Squishy newborn head emerging from the birth canal

Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical cord

Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure length

Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the Doppler

Team

Reading my cues, knowing what to do

Laughter

**********************************************


Mama breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Grandma sways
Dog stands guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
Expectations
Waiting
Love

***********************************************

I look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion
Love thick like chocolate pudding.