Pondering

You are like a fly trapped in a jar who doesn't realize that someone has taken the lid off...

10 months

I really really love what I do. I feel so blessed and unworthy to be a part of huge moments in people's lives.

Witnessing babies experience the world for the first time, holding space for families to meet. Hugging grandmothers and comforting aunts who nervously wait. "Everything is fine" "this is normal"

Being a part of something big.

Being a part of a community, of a team.

Laughing while packing up at the events forever caught on tape, or in delirium at 24 hour diners in the wee hours of the morning, at Cavewomen and what the cat drug in.

Communicating in silent glances exchanged across a birth pool, remembering to breathe and "feel my feet on the floor" during hairy situations.

Hands that are learning what to do

Head that is learning what to remember

Heart that is opening wider each day

Grateful

Remember... And give thanks

Shivering in wet clothes, I'm wrapped in warm towels and love. Newly born into a faith so much bigger than my 12 year old self could ever imagine, beginning a journey that would lead me here...

Some of my readers may be familiar with my faith journey, the dusty gravel roads, the paved highways, and trail-less forests that I have traveled to get me closer to the one who spoke light in the darkness and came as a baby to ransom my soul. Some may be familiar with the story of how I went from Nazarene to social brethren to free will baptist to reformed to independent to United Methodist to follower of Christ. For those that aren't and are interested lets go out for chai lattes :)

Today at church I took part in something I never have before, at communion time the pastor invited us up to the baptismal fount to remember our baptism. As she dipped her finger into the water and made a drippy cross on my forehead, she said "remember your baptism and be thankful"

I was instantly flooded with memories.

A baptism of birth fluids as I co-caught my first baby, and the inevitable baptism that occurs during water births

A baptism of confidence from those who believe in me despite my fears

A soft spoken pastor who baptized me in prayer back in college when all hope seemed lost "you are a child of hope" he said as he made a cross on my forehead, embracing me, telling me I belonged.

A baptism of tears at a final goodbye, soaking my shoulder, penetrating into my heart.

A baptism of words spoken by a wise future reverend in the middle of a crowded cafeteria

The icy water baptism by the first person I ever called pastor. Plugging my nose and stepping into the pool after my mother and cousins. "In the name of the father, son and Holy Spirit"

My first "baptism" when Jesus came into the heart of a shy 7 year old at VBS.

Today I left church, shivering in remembrance of the waters, words, prayers, and paths that have lead me here.

Today I realize I am like the squalling newborn, surprised by the incomparable blessings poured out over my head and the wild and rocky journey placed in front of my feet.

I remember... And I am thankful

Booksneeze review: "Call of a Coward"

"Call of a Coward" is a memoir by Marcia Moston depicting a time in her life full of uncertainty as she followed her husband into the mission field.

This book interested me, not only because it takes place in Guatemala, a place near and dear to my heart, but the title itself grabbed me. Call of a Coward. I feel like all of us are called to do things that terrify us sometimes, but those things will ultimately be life giving and filled with lessons and blessings.

This is a great book for those who long for the taste of pollo campero, have spent time in the foreign mission field, have felt a call on their life and the terror that goes with it, Marcia Moston is funny, honest, and one of the bravest cowards I know.







Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

2013 goals

1. Be a better student midwife
2. Finish my 3rd novel
3. Turn 25
4. Lose it
5. Dance with somebody
6. Ride more
7. Doula training
8. Car fixed
9. Photo a day
10. More: play, service, attention
11. Finish website... Maybe start my llc
12. Travel: DC, Marquette, Holland
13. Write a children's book

2012

What a wild ride this year has been!

Highlights:

Witnessing 23 babies enter the world (and co-catching 2!). Being a small part of something so big is beyond words.

Learned how to keep my cool in stressful situations, call EMS, and navigate a NICU admission.

Filmed an episode for a potential reality series. Bombed my post birth interview.

Many adventures with the roomies, family, and friends.

Had my first 3 postpartum doula jobs.

Joined a new church, attended bible study, and stepped up to a microphone again to worship.

Delved deeper into the birth community and made lots of new friends and grew my village.

Took 3 mini trips to west Michigan.

Read lots of great books, lit candles, took bubble baths, naps, and focused on self-care

Attempted to write my 3rd novel, wrote 3 poems, danced.

Got back in the saddle :)

Things don't always go as planned, but then again maybe they do.

Micah 6:8 it is kinda funny that I pulled this shirt out of my closet this morning...


Today a sweet baby girl was born and half way around the world a little boy was "born" into his forever family.

Sweet baby girl's mother had her first all natural, no induction birth, giving her confidence in the ability of her body to work. I am a bit bummed to have missed the birth by minutes, but I loved seeing the sparkle in my team member's eyes as she told me "I delivered her".

My friend Alison went to court today and left a mother of a precious little boy. Their journey has been up and down these past few months and I am rejoicing.

I purchased the Micah shirt to help support baby E's adoption. 2 babies, 2 very different stories, one amazing day.

Advent

Advent
waiting, longing,
expecting


Advent
Anticipation, joy
Peace
The tiny kicks of a new life in the womb

Advent
Holy, amazing
Slippery
Newborn staring up through the waters
breaking the surface
Breathes deep and cries

Advent
Power, trembling,
Blessed
Hands that catch
hold
guide

Advent
Deeper, transcendent
Reminded
A stable, a woman, alone yet surrounded

Advent
Hope, joy
Love
A savior in a manger cries out in the night

Advent
Waiting, longing
Expecting

Grateful

Self-care

After a recent adjustment my chiropractor said, "now you can get on with things now that your head is back on straight" he didn't know how right on he was. This has been a crazy couple I weeks and I am finally starting to feel myself getting back on track in all areas of my life.

In an effort to find myself again I am taking this long weekend to do only things that make me happy and nothing else. I am giving myself permission to treat myself nicely, to say yes to things I wouldn't normally say yes to and permission to say no.

This has gotten me thinking of what truly makes me happy, here is a snippet of the list I have created for those times I need to take a moment for some self-care.

Belting out a tune, signing a song, re-reading a favorite book, birth, writing, painting, dancing badly, sitting with friends, good conversation, chai lattes, riding, bubble baths, watch a tear jerker, napping in the sunshine, walking in the woods, newborn snuggles, belly laughing, hugs, photography...

Do me a favor... Remind me to do something from this list if I start to lose myself, pray for me, and love me even when I do.

Peace...

 If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.  

~Mother Teresa

September 21st is known as International Day of Peace. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981, "Peace Day should be devoted to commemorating and strengthening the ideals of peace both within and among all nations and peoples…This day will serve as a reminder to all peoples that our organization, with all its limitations, is a living instrument in the service of peace and should serve all of us here within the organization as a constantly pealing bell reminding us that our permanent commitment, above all interests or differences of any kind, is to peace"  

Peace day is an important day in my book, a day to unite and make strides towards peace within the world, our cities, our neighborhoods, our families and our homes, but September 21st holds a special place in my heart for a few other reasons. 

September 21st 2010

 "The Lord has given life to a sweet little boy on this day of Peace. Strong lungs and a thick head of hair, ready to face surgery tomorrow" -ckb 2010

Sweet baby Gabe is two! A walking, talking, bright eyed and funny little person. My heart overflows with love for his sweet family, and with gratitude to my amazing God. 

Gabe's Poem

(written on his first birthday)

Ask me what peace is and I will tell you

Peace is the Steady Beat hiding behind the whooshing sounds 

Peace is Faith beyond what the tests reveal

Peace is found in prayers full of tears 

Peace is the sound of that first squealing cry

Peace is in healing and heading home

Peace is Hope at each small twitch of little feet

Peace is the feeling of you in my arms for the first time

Peace is that sweet baby smell I can never seem to get enough of

Peace is the power of seeing you stand

Peace is the blessing of watching you grow

Peace is what I feel holding you tonight, 

one year later

bigger 

stronger

Peace is a toddler who rests deeply

unaware of the tears that glisten in sun-bleached hair

who still (barely) fits in my lap.

To read more about the amazing Gabe click here 

*****

September 21st 2010 

"I cannot find the peace in the reunification of a baby, who was abandoned at the hospital, nameless, motherless, who became loved, named and cherished..." -ckb 2010

September 21st also reminds me of how sometimes finding peace with a situation can be tough. My heart was broken two years ago by the fb message telling me that my baby would never be mine. 

I have come a long way since then, my heart still feels the connection to her, and sometimes my arms still ache to hold her close and feel her tiny heart beat against my chest. But, I am finding the peace that I could not find two years ago. I am holding tight to the promises of the God who is holding her. 

and although the image brings tears to my eyes and a hurt deep in my soul, I can almost picture her, two years old, spunky and sweet, long jet-black hair, piercing auburn eyes, laughter like sunshine... Running into her mother's arms.

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” 

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet