Update

It's your grace when we're human
It's your mercy when we're undeserving
It's your faith when we're faithless
It's your comfort when we're sad
You are still when we're restless
You are thunder when we're silent
You are calm when we rage
Your are peace when we are violent - Carry me


It's been a busy, scary, fun, happy, sad, life filled, emotional, month since I quit my "day job". I know I made the right choice but some days it's hard to shut the negative voice in my head up.

I may be crazy but I'm still trusting in that Romans 8:28 promise that "all things work together for good." And that he's carrying me and blessing me with more grace then I deserve.

Guilty pleasure

This girl may be 25, but when "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus comes on the radio I always turn it up. The lyrics hit home and I catch myself tearing up every time.



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on




This mountain I'm climbing is tough, it can be scary and stressful and sleep depriving but its amazing and big and filled with miracles and i will never stop climbing...

(Now if only I felt this way about running lol)

Big News...

I recently took a big step out of my comfort zone.

I. Quit. Daycare.

This is kind of a big deal for me as I have been doing daycare forever. No really I grew up at this center and have taken care of hundreds of kids, that each hold a special place in my heart (yes, even the most precious ones, Jill) Daycare is comfortable, I know exactly what to do. I can change the diapers of a roomful of toddlers in minutes. I know the art of making a perfect temperature bottle. I can turn a room full of crabby kiddos into a room full of cooperative learners with a song and dance. I know daycare. I also knew that daycare would not be forever. I love children, I enjoy teaching, rocking, singing, and painting with the little ones. I love their hugs and smiles. I am blessed and very gratful that I was called to do daycare for a while, but when you hear the call to move, no matter how terrifying it is, you move.

I have been a Midwife's Aprentice for a year now, and am going to continue to do so while working towards my short and long term goals. I am taking my doula certification class in a couple months. I am doing part-time nanny work, and freelancing in the birth world. Placenta encapsulation anyone? :)


.

Out like a lamb.... HA

March was a crazy month! I probably can count the number of times I slept in my own bed on one hand, I've yet to sleep in my new apartment.

• Went to Great Wolf Lodge with the roomies
• Dog sat for "The Boss"
• Turned 25
• Gabe's Surgery
• Mama went to Flordia for my uncle's surgery
• Said hello and goodye to sweet baby S
• Dog sat for K.
• Moved
• Started a new job
• Babysat for a week while a friend of mine went to London

All with several Mamas due! Call me crazy lol

Reflections on birth

Random thoughts saved on my phone for the last few births.

******************************************

Squishy newborn head emerging from the birth canal

Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical cord

Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure length

Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the Doppler

Team

Reading my cues, knowing what to do

Laughter

**********************************************


Mama breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Grandma sways
Dog stands guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
Expectations
Waiting
Love

***********************************************

I look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion
Love thick like chocolate pudding.

Where Will You Run...

By Your Side ~ Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

I'll be honest, most of last week really sucked. Although, I am not sure if it was entirely last week's fault. Everything piled up and when that happens things get ugly. 

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching

As if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

A sweet baby met Jesus before he knew his mother's touch, A toddler had a difficult surgery, My uncle had his cancer removed along with a significant portion of his chest wall.

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I turned 25. I always get nostalgic on my birthday, I always feel let down by the year that has past, that i didn't do enough, I didn't love enough, that I wasn't enough.

Look at these hands at my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Angry, bitter, selfish, sad....afraid. Fear makes us do crazy things. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I made a decision that removes my stability, takes me out of my comfort zone, terrifies me, but removes me from a place that is not good for me.

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Guilt chanting in my ear. Pushing away. Hiding.

'Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, yeah I'll love you

I'll never let you go, no, no

Brokenness. The bittersweet. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Talking it through, being lifted in prayer, walking the dog in the sunshine, sweet baby snuggles, hugs, words. Hope

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Here at my side, my hands are holding you

Ohhh...

25

I may have just given myself the best birthday present ever... Stay tuned.

24

I always get a bit contemplative and melancholy this time of year. Maybe because of the weather, maybe the memories, maybe the importance I place on the changes, regardless it's march. In a few hours I will turn 25. A quarter of a century, old as dirt.

24 was filled with new, new job, new home, "new" car, new church, and many new lives. (24 babies have been born at home in fact, bringing the grand total to 29/31)

I am searching
I am waiting
I am doing
I am listening
I am grateful.

One year...

On this day in 2012. I was invited into the home of someone i had never met, into the sacred, to sit quietly and chart, to scrub out a tub, and so began my journey as a midwife's apprentice.

This journey that I've been on this past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...

Each day in the office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the door has taught me to be patient, to listen.

The midnight wake up calls, the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.

The stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized, respond, and trust.

The primal scream, the newborn cry, the laughter have taught me joy.

The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch, have taught me flexibility.

The colleagues, the doulas, the students, the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a sisterhood.

This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface to describe.

Powerful.

Love.

Miracles.




I am grateful.

Lions...

March comes in like a lion...

It's roaring, snarling, prowling.
Bringing things like stress and cancer and moving and work and play and busy and missing loved ones and aging and memories.

But I will try to focus on March going out like a lamb, the lamb who laid down his life for me and holds me still. Shalom.