Reflections on birth

Random thoughts saved on my phone for the last few births.

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Squishy newborn head emerging from the birth canal

Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical cord

Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure length

Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the Doppler

Team

Reading my cues, knowing what to do

Laughter

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Mama breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Grandma sways
Dog stands guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
Expectations
Waiting
Love

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I look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion
Love thick like chocolate pudding.

Where Will You Run...

By Your Side ~ Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

I'll be honest, most of last week really sucked. Although, I am not sure if it was entirely last week's fault. Everything piled up and when that happens things get ugly. 

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching

As if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

A sweet baby met Jesus before he knew his mother's touch, A toddler had a difficult surgery, My uncle had his cancer removed along with a significant portion of his chest wall.

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I turned 25. I always get nostalgic on my birthday, I always feel let down by the year that has past, that i didn't do enough, I didn't love enough, that I wasn't enough.

Look at these hands at my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Angry, bitter, selfish, sad....afraid. Fear makes us do crazy things. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I made a decision that removes my stability, takes me out of my comfort zone, terrifies me, but removes me from a place that is not good for me.

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Guilt chanting in my ear. Pushing away. Hiding.

'Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, yeah I'll love you

I'll never let you go, no, no

Brokenness. The bittersweet. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Talking it through, being lifted in prayer, walking the dog in the sunshine, sweet baby snuggles, hugs, words. Hope

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Here at my side, my hands are holding you

Ohhh...

25

I may have just given myself the best birthday present ever... Stay tuned.

24

I always get a bit contemplative and melancholy this time of year. Maybe because of the weather, maybe the memories, maybe the importance I place on the changes, regardless it's march. In a few hours I will turn 25. A quarter of a century, old as dirt.

24 was filled with new, new job, new home, "new" car, new church, and many new lives. (24 babies have been born at home in fact, bringing the grand total to 29/31)

I am searching
I am waiting
I am doing
I am listening
I am grateful.

One year...

On this day in 2012. I was invited into the home of someone i had never met, into the sacred, to sit quietly and chart, to scrub out a tub, and so began my journey as a midwife's apprentice.

This journey that I've been on this past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...

Each day in the office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the door has taught me to be patient, to listen.

The midnight wake up calls, the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.

The stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized, respond, and trust.

The primal scream, the newborn cry, the laughter have taught me joy.

The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch, have taught me flexibility.

The colleagues, the doulas, the students, the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a sisterhood.

This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface to describe.

Powerful.

Love.

Miracles.




I am grateful.

Lions...

March comes in like a lion...

It's roaring, snarling, prowling.
Bringing things like stress and cancer and moving and work and play and busy and missing loved ones and aging and memories.

But I will try to focus on March going out like a lamb, the lamb who laid down his life for me and holds me still. Shalom.