It's a _______ life!

Weird

Amazing

Terrifying

Joyfull

Full

Sleep deprived

Life giving

Blessed 

50

I have witnessed 50 babies enter the world and cry out using their wet lungs for the first time. 50 holy moments where heaven touched earth and families were made. And oh how my heart sings! 

The magnitude of this job is indescribable. The honor of entering into the sacred and being trusted to hold the space. Meconium and blood, vomit and bile, tears and waters.  I am so blessed.

Today as baby #50 inched her way past the perineum into my waiting hands,  The Boss' eyes met mine and we smiled. I remembered my first births, watching the senior apprentice and The Boss share that same look and smile, the knowing that the baby was coming, the excitement. I remember waiting for the day that it would be my turn. 

What a wild ride! Now as we count down births until The Boss heads off on a new adventure,  I am stuck in the bittersweet. I'm so proud of her and excited for her but am going to miss her. Like the song says "you're gonna miss this" I'm gonna miss sharing these sticky, sweaty, wet, tired, laughter, miracle filled days with her across the birth pool. 

What an adventure this life has turned out to be and so full of gifts each day. Powerful. Holy. Friendship. "The rabbi" may be leaving for a while but she has blessed me with a circle of friends I will forever thankful for (you know who you are and thank you for your friendship I am so lucky you guys have taken me into your circle) and will be leaving me "covered in her slime". (Backstory here http://courtneyblackwell.blogspot.com/2013/02/dust.html?m=1) 

Remembering

A year ago I remember going to work with a sound boom looming over my head, a producer and camera woman following me around, a mama working hard to meet her first baby, a mouse...

My first 4 handed catch. Posterior baby girl froggy jumped through my hands onto her mothers chest. I was grateful that more experienced hands were holding on too and the sound guy cried. 

That night is one of the gifts that I claim as I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. (For many reasons but It also gave me Jill)  

So much has changed, so much has grown, but one thing remains the same. I was born for this amazing, powerful, holy work, where heaven meets earth in a moment and much is entrusted into these hands. 

Update

I've really been slacking on the blog lately. It's nearly November! This summer was amazing! I ran in 3 races, rode a motorcycle, had my first solo catch, spent a week supporting a friend as she made a choice that changed everything, laughed, cried, kayaked in the fall colors, rode horses, lived. I'm equal parts excited and terrified about what the next coue months will hold. 

Ride

Zip up the jacket

Pull on the boots

Chin strap of helmet fastened securely 

The rumble as I take a seat and hold on

eyes closed tightly as we pull into traffic

Open your eyes I say to myself 

Feel and see what alive is

Trust and a bit of crazy rolled into one 

The wind through my hair 

The dopey smile plastered in my face. 

Sometimes it's not enough to mearly survive but to hold on tight and ride. 

Grateful....

Grateful For friendships deep and many God has placed in my life

For friends who 

share their stories

Their homes

Their babies

Their dogs

Their cars

Their books

Their hands

Their husbands when you lock your keys in your car for the hundredth time.

Their Knowledge

Their Ponies

Their sermons 

A cup of tea

A hug

Chocolate and rescue remedy 

For friends who push me harder than I think I can go

For friends willing to kick my butt 

To encourage

To inspire

To teach

For friends that are honest even when it hurts

For friends that share 

Their time

Their words

Their love 

Grateful that i have a God that knows exactly what he's doing even when I second guess, even when I stand trembling in fear, even when I fall.

Grateful for his agape love and blessings and promises especially when I struggle with accepting them. For mercy and grace and glimpses of "on earth as it is in heaven" 

June and July Gratitude.

Babies

Yoga

Sushi and Sake with the boss

Midwife classes

Walks
Brandy

Runs
clean eating
boot camp
community
words of affirmation
Quality time with friends
5 hour rain "dance"
glimpses of God's glory
God's mercy

Update

I'm happy. I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I'm busy and learning and growing and happy. Yes there is stress and pain and sadness, but there is overwhelming joy. 

Today after running (including a mile of running without stopping to walk! Take that ms. Haynes!) visiting my favorite little gray pony and candlelight yoga I went out for sushi (and hot sake) with a friend. 

This friend, and mentor, who told me a few months ago that I was a fly trapped in a jar, told me tonight that she is watching me grow and learn to put value to myself.

I brushed her words off on the outside, but internally they melted into my heart and I actually believed them this time. I am gaining confidence each day, living more, playing hard, praying, pushing, growing, and loving fiercer then ever before. 

There is a song that goes "words can build us up, words can bring us down, put a fire in our hearts or put it out" sometimes it's the words we speak to ourselves that drown out the words others are trying to get us to hear. 

There are days for sure, but lately joy is right around the corner. 

Stumble after you...

I really should know better. God always speaks in whispers and shouts when I need it most. 

This evening a friend of mine, who is an inspiration to my recent attempt at developing a running habit, encouraged me to suck it up and do 3 miles tomorrow. Ugh. Have I mentioned that, although I can't say I hate running anymore, it's still not my favorite. (I've moved to the strongly dislike phase. Progress!) so anyways I get in my car to head to work tonight, put the iPhone on shuffle and plug it it. 

This song below comes on, I melt. Once again to be refined by the fire of my creator. 

A few weeks ago I posted "I don't wanna" as my status. That same friend told me to go run. When I asked her how she knew that's what I was talking about she said "it's the only thing you consistently complain about" ouch... 

Ouch because although running makes me tired, makes me feel like I can't breathe, hurts my foot and fatigues my legs, takes up time, makes me all sweaty and gross and is disappointing because it takes me forever to complete my miles... I have a body that allows me to do it, a fat, slow and clumsy body, but a capable one.

 As the song played I thought about the veterans in wheelchairs in the memorial day parade today. 

I thought about every toddler I have ever witnessed learning take their first steps, their confidence and endurance, no matter how many times they fall. 

I thought about my buddies with CP, a little boy who lives to run when holding on to both of my hands propelling himself trusting his legs and my arms will keep him safe. A young girl who loved to swing , a 10 year old boy who crawled to me to hear a story. 

I thought about my Elianna who drs said would probably never walk,  who after years of work can walk, and play without the assistance of her walker. 

I thought about my "baby" Gabe with spina bifida, who worked so hard to take those first steps on legs that are hard for him to feel, and how a surgury that was for his best interest caused him to have to relearn how to stand.

Tomorrow's run is for them, no matter how slow, and yucky it is, no matter how much I stumble. Thank you God o ce again for drowning me in grace I don't deserve. 

Stumble After You

Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?

Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .

Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.

Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace.

Summer 2013 Bucket list

Run the crim

Marquette

Fish

Lots of girl time

First Pedicure

Kayak or canoe

Ride a motorcycle 

Zoo

Holland 

Garden

Dance in the rain

Swim weekly

Beach

Outside daily

Trail ride 

Volunteer with golden ponies  

Spend time with friends 

Bon fires

Parades

Nature hikes

Kensington

Independence oaks

Get my LLC 

Have at least 1 doula client 

Births