Monday, March 31, 2008


I am learning to love her again each and every day... My deepest hurt is not being better for Her and for Them... I was disappointed she wasn't what I wanted her to be and nothing gave me the right to even think that. Yes, we are called to be responcible for each other, but that does not mean that we can decide what that person should be... I see this from so many views now, not just about Her. There is another Her in my life who is not who i think she should be, who she could be...who maybe she doesn't want to be and i am dealing with that... i am dealing with my attitudes about that just as i have had to do with the original Her.

We are more alike then we are different... and we need each other... I need Her... and i also need Her#2.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tulog na...

I am learning to be grateful for the down times as well as the up times, because well, it seems i can never get more than a week at a time "up"

today was a down day...

  • i was sleepy and forgot to do an assignment that was due in my 8:00 class.

  • i was sleepy and did not get my participation points

  • i was sleepy and had a meeting with my advisor

  • i was sleepy and was not patient with the kids at work :(

  • Lunch and dinner were yucky


  • I got a lot of opportunities to pray

  • I carved out some time to play the piano :)

  • Jonet sang one of our old songs together from back in the day when we led worship at church

In the "down" times i get to remember with both joy and sorrow. I get to reach out to God and others. I am reminded of what it means to be broken and not get it right, and most of all I have the chance to reconnect with The One who gives life.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

How are you?

As the good book says, "love is patient..." I now know why.

It has been a year of being patient through the struggles, a year of sitting on the sidelines, watching, waiting, not knowing what to do or say and a year of understanding, speaking, praying, calling, knowing

knowing. knowing. knowing.

Knowing that even though I don't know -- I do. Hopefully that makes sense to my readers. It seems to be the only way to put it. it is the essence of Alam mo ny an: "You know already", trust yourself, be yourself, encourage others, love, love completely, fully engaged, passionately, non-judging and pure. be patient,

patient, patient. patient

We are all like little children who need patience, a smile, a touch, understanding. There is that little girl or boy that God created still lingering in the deepest part of us, that cries out in comfort, or is brutally silenced by oppression. We have all seen the inquisitive look in a child's eyes, and likewise the crushed spirit of a child who is abused or neglected by society.

Where is that little boy or girl in you?
How is S/he doing?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Alone time...

I am really glad i stayed at Hope for spring break. I have had a lot of time to think and pray, relax and be productive. It is a nice introduction to the ripe old age of 20. Who am i as a 20 year old student, woman, sister, friend, cousin and child care provider? I am discovering more about that each day as i get braver and begin to own what it is to be Courtney Kay Blackwell.

I have also been thinking a lot about Christine McCarthy who is pregnant with her 4th little girl. her placenta implanted outside her uterus and she is in danger of delivering early, death for the baby, death for her. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery for the baby and the mother and pray for her 3 daughters, Josie (5), Rachel (4), and Grace (2) and her amazing husband Kevin.

There are a lot of people in my life who are hurting right now, and a few young teenagers that i deeply care about that are going through some tough stuff. I want to remind them that I am praying for them and that it is possible to resist temptation that there are other ways to spend time with people of the opposite gender. That having integrity is not only for God and your family, but it is for yourself as well. Be Strong Girls! I love You!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

cirque de soleil...

I am selfish... I am selfish with time. Maybe, I am just too easily angered. but that is the curse of the coming March 13th. March is a tough month for me. Things seem to be all mixed up in March, pain, stress, love, joy, peace, war are deeper felt.

It is Alcohol awareness week, or whatever it is called, and for some reason it kind of bugs me. I feel like it is kind of pointless considering what i witness multiple times each week. i don't understand the point of drinking to get drunk or buzzed. Alcoholic beverages are ok, as long as you limit the intake and don't act stupid. What really upsets me is that people don't respect regulations. The campus is dry, please don't bring your alcohol on campus, which is my home! Go have A drink but please don't come back and talk about all the stupid stuff you did last night while you were drinking way to much...illegally and say it was "so bad" while laughing and joking about it. Sometimes i wish that they would get caught, most of the time i feel like it is ignored, it is not like they are quiet about it. That is my biggest problem with college right now. It is also frustrating that people who make poor choices are still academically sound, on the dean's list, and not have to work as much as i do so they get to nap... oh yeah.. i am so jealous of people who get to nap!


I love being with elegant people. It is a refreshing reminder that there is life outside of school and work. The witness of a Christ centered home, simplicity and unselfish love. It amazes me how my attitude can do a complete 360 after sipping water from wine glasses, and eating pizza and carrot sticks followed by amazing conversation. The words of brilliantly talented Hope Students and Faculty, Western Students and Faculty echo in my heart and i am reassured. I am happy. I am peace again. I am blessed to be surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses and even more blessed to see how much our small circle has in common. Yes, they too are struggling, and Yes, I too am brilliant and talented.

It's times like this when i am on top of things that i feel so overwhelmed by my calling. it's hard to describe the feeling of call, or to discern exactly what the call is towards. It feels BIG. When the Dean of Faculty of Western was telling her story of being an education major and teaching 4th grade for 4 years then quiting and going to seminary she said that she had to kinda prove that she could do it, to her parents, peers, and organized denominations. She just did it. and that has been something that i have shied away from all my life -- just doing it. Back in 10th grade i was struggling with an honors class and the teachers that taught it. i was discussing the matter with my choir director, whom i was really close to, during a downtime at a rehearsal for the musical. Another teacher/assistant director whom i was not to fond of turned around and said, "It's there club you want to join, suck it up and just do it!" I was taken aback at the time but his words have been in the back of my mind ever since. It is hard to push onward when you don't think you can do something, but it is even harder when you don't think you are worthy enough to succeed. Right now, in this beautiful evening as the sun sets on this blustery sunny day. I feel worthy.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Call...

"It’s the children, “my” kids who inspire me to pursue a career as an Early Childhood Special Educator. It’s a little girl with long kinky hair and thick pink glasses, her laughter echoing across the playground as she swings through the air in an attempt to kick the sky. It’s a beautiful baby boy with gleaming eyes, oblivious to the evil virus lurking in his body. It’s a toddler using her walker and braces to walk across the living room to give you a hug, smiling despite her pain. It’s an autistic preschooler, in my Sunday School class, with fire in his eyes smiling exclaiming loudly when you walk in the room, “my teacher!” The Lord has allowed these incredible little ones to come into my life and steal my heart so that I would discover my true calling.
There is nothing quite like falling in love with these incredible and mysterious children, the peacemakers, who radiate such love and devotion towards life despite their pain. I have been privileged to care for many miracle babies and one in particular who is living out her last days with laughter in her heart – A toddler who has a rare neurological disorder, which has no treatment or cure. Who would have thought that the grandest inspiration for a person’s future plans could be encapsulated in a package so tiny? Elianna, her name means my God has answered me, and this little girl herself is an answered prayer. She is the little girl who would never walk. The little girl who would never make it to the age of two, the little girl who would not eat, the little girl who would not sleep, the little girl so silent – always smiling. Her big brown eyes shimmering like diamonds and dark wavy hair, black as night radiating in a soft crown around her head.
Elianna, a child born to fragile for this world, a baby whose apple breath warmed my neck as I held her as close as possible to me, holding her down on this earth afraid she would float away as quickly as she came, knowing in an instant she would be gone. Her smile and shortly after, her laughter like a garden in late summer, continually active with crawly things and flowers swaying in the warm august breezes. A porch swing creaking under the weight of old lover’s, hand-in-hand, enjoying the sunset over mountain peeks. The times of force feeding her supplements in attempt to make her grow, the doctors who scratched their heads at test results. Prayers said into the wee hours of the morning, at the top of the stairs, to keep her breathing through the night… “just one more breath Lord, just one more breath” The final goodbye, watching from a distance, letting her go physically, but holding on to that last bit of sweetness, of innocence… watching her struggle away happily, with her pink leg braces and red walker. The paradox of innocence and wisdom combined in a package so small. Despite the prayers, knowing in the tunnels of my heart that the next time I saw her would be in a tiny coffin. She is dying, leaving this world behind in a slow sequence of body system shut downs, first her ability to crawl, to speak, to eat, and then to breathe.
I guess the reason why I want to obtain a degree in Early Childhood Special Education is a bit of a selfish motive. I want to remember all that Elianna has taught me about the peace of life and what is really important – Loving every spirit, no matter how small or damaged the physical package may be. I want to surround myself with children who I can teach. So that maybe, through their successes, can live long and happy lives. I want to help save children… because I couldn’t save Ellie. "

I wrote these words a few years ago, and they still are meaningful to me, but now need to do more, I feel led to be a missionary, to love the unlovable, to touch the untouchable. to live and breath service. Sometimes i wish that it wasn't taboo to spend extra time in college because i think i would triple major and triple minor...

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Those who say sunshine brings happiness... have never danced in the rain!

For those of you from my old blog on yahoo 360, welcome. I may move some of the posts here when i have time.

I am realizing how important it really is to learn to dance in the rain. I see how many people do it everyday. how wounded we all are.
I have been looking at and understanding things differently lately. becoming more in tune with creation and the Creator. I feel so filled i could burst yet so empty i could implode. tremulously blessed and blessed tremulously. yeah tremulously not tremendously. i am shaking. So filled with the power of Yahweh, it's scary!
There are no guarantees and nothing stays the same, but the journey... the journey we take alone and how we journey together is what makes the difference. I believe that there are times when those who are strong falter, and those that are weak rise up. there are times when we must "fall apart" but one can never completely sever the connection with another life, another creation of the Living God. "you can no longer separate one life from another as you can separate the breeze from the wind." Even if for a time it seems like the relationship is crumbling at the foundations. even if the entire structure crumbles,the land where the building lasted has been changed and will forever bear the marks of it's foundation....

Thank God for babies...


"Lord, you make me feel both immensely strong
vulnerably weak all at the same time"
I am in love with Hope College, hear me right now I am in love with Hope, the place, but still not exactly warmed up to the idea of college as a whole. It has been a trying week and I am glad for the sun's gentle rays streaming through the window. It has taken me a while to comprehend that I do belong here. I had to hear that i was a child of Hope from so many different angles, but i am finally owning that I belong here.
I have so many relationships here and am developing new ones every day. I am speaking to complete strangers, but then again we complete strangers with a common bond -- our journeys brought us here.
As I enter the grand and glorious age of 20, i am trying to focus on journeying authentically, being fully present, respecting creation, and respecting other people's choices even if i don't agree with them. I am facing my issues with accepting Grace, accepting that who i am is enough, because who God is is enough.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many...Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it...May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." ~Hebrews 12-13 snippets.

As Trygve said... "and I think that's Sexy"