A Sunny Day...

Please meet my girls, children I have babysat and are now very old! I love them! Oh how I love them! They are my heart and bring me such immeasurable joy!

The Slides are from today's busy day at the park with my church. Following this 13 of us went swimming!

Thankful Thursday: for the Life of...

Stephin Joseph Saenz-O'Brien

July 22, 2003 - April 04, 2009


With Hope (SCC)

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Yours (SCC)

I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Somthing that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry

Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is

I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find

And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything
It's all Yours

And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize

That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper, Father and Ruler of everything

It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God

The glory is Yours, God
All the honor is Yours, God
The power is Yours, God
The glory is Yours, God

You're the King of Kings
And Lord of Lords

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours

It's all Yours, God
My life is Yours, my heart is Yours
My hands and my feet are Yours
Every song that I sing
It's all Yours, all is Yours
All belongs to You
Our gifts are Yours, God
All our dreams are Yours, God
All our plans are Yours, God
The whole earth is Yours, God
Everything is Yours

Thankful Thursday Main Blog

Disney World...

My little @ Donald's Boat Spray Area, of course in her Hope College gear!

Savannah and Randee, cute cousins ages 11( and 11 months 3 weeks) and 10 years

My trip to Fla was pretty good. I really enjoyed seeing my family that I have not seen in 8 years! I thought that Savannah would be shy since i had not seen her since she was 4, but we all picked up where we left off. It was great seeing my Grandma, soaking up the sun and spending time with Aunt Jodee whom I adore!

Tuesday:
Classes
Travel back home

Wednesday:
Meeting at the Elementary school
Visit to the daycare

Thursday:
Travel, met Uncle Terry at the airport in Detroit (he lives in Fla in the winter but was up in MI for business)

Friday:
Disney 8-9:30 ALL DAY!

Saturday:
Shopping! Old Navy friends and family weekend!
Strawberry festival
Swimming

Sunday:
Visit to Aunt Jodee's house (Cake for Me and Savannah's Birthday! Baby chickens!)
Swimming
Shuttle Launch

Monday:
Shopping
Haircuts for Mom and Jodee
Putt-putt with Savannah, Randee, Jodee and Aunt Coleen

Tuesday:
Laundry
Packing
Ride to Airport with Uncle Todd blasting Nickelback
Flight home
Visit to the Eagles with Dad for a birthday drink

Wednesday:
Travel to Holland, MI
Cold!!!! Brrrr!!!
Interview for babysitting job

Thursday:
Homework
Hanging with Becca

Friday:
Work at Toddlerville

Saturday:
Check emails
Blog
Homework
Wait for roomies to return from Mexico, Cali and Midland, MI

Sunday:
Taj India?
research at the library/LJ's?

Monday:
Back to normal=babysitting classes and work!

Beauty...

I heard this song on the radio this morning and was deeply moved. There are so many special teens in my life. little ones whom I have cared for, taught Sunday school and loved on, who are growing up. They are going through so much and have survived so much (my adopted sister's sisters) My middle school and high school girls are beautiful and the words of this song are for you... I love you!

The second verse reminds me of my older girls... of friends and family that I have watched struggle with so many things some of whom are still struggling and others who are on the other side of the struggle, but are haunted by the past.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded...

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little gir

Ponderings...

I am in a strange season of life right now. I can see the ways I have grown, and the ways in which I still need to grow. Some areas are flowering and others need to be pruned back as they are withered.

I pray differently. I am past the Sunday School answers. I see the grays and am overwhelmed by the light that He shines in this dark world. I am studying harder. Listening better and shutting up more. I am learning to let go and move on, yet holding on tighter than ever to what I need to. My life depends on this ability to let go and hold on. I am old. My plans are loosening up and I nearly have the courage to commit.

I am still holding back from doing things I love, or think i might love. I still feel the pressure to do what i am "supposed" and to ignore the pull of my heart. To be truthful, it is safer to do what i am supposed to do. To keep telling myself i could never be brave enough to jump in head-on. I have gotten in this popular mindset that there must always be a plan -- a good plan. That you are better off being safe. I am tired of being safe, yet my soul trembles at the thought of the "unsafe".

I surprised myself today in being O.K. with news i received, that came as no surprise. I expected this and as God has proven time and time again I will be ready when the time comes.

That is quite a concept too, being ready when the time comes. We worry and groan about changes in the future, when it is inevitable... yet when it is time we are ready, deep down inside we are ready, whether we admit it or not.

Tomorrow are Tuesday's memorial "waggie rides"

Sweet Abby is in the hospital in pain, struggling to beat the cancer that is beating up her little body

And well, I don't know... Babies are not supposed to hurt or die, but when they do... is there ever a point in which you are ready?

Will there be a point when i say YES and do what my heart seems to want to do, even though it is scary? When will I be brave enough to say Yeah I am going to Doula training, Yeah I am going to midwife training in the Philippines, Yeah I am teaching a class of elementary kids, Yeah I have a date, and we are getting serious, Yeah I can be your shoulder to cry on, Yes, I am here for you no matter what, Yeah, if you need a place to stay come stay with me, it isn't much but we will be just fine. Will I be brave enough to let go when it is the final goodbye. When will i be brave enough to forgive. Will I be ever be brave enough to accept the deepest heartbreak if i am unable to have children?

These are my ponderings tonight as I lay my head down to rest...

But oh, how blessed I am, because greater is HE that is in me, mighty and strong, loving and just. I am cradled in His arms of unfailing love. For that I say Praise the Lord, Mahal kita Diyos, Maraming Salamat Po Diyos. Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah.

Home...

Today was Kyle's funeral... A life taken too soon... I was going to write an eloquent blog, but my creativity has taken a vacation so...

Here is a list of 24 thoughts and "quotes" I had/heard this weekend in memory of the 24 years he shared this earth with us:

1. "It's not Fair" (sheila's mom)
2. "They are so lucky to have you" (Amy Curtis) you don't know how lucky I am to have them (me)
3. "I heard she was having some trouble, I have been praying for her" (E prying for info about J) "She is working through stuff, we appreciate your prayers" (me)
4. "Are you going to the cemetery?" "yes, Sir" "Are you family mam?" "yes, mam" (yes, i called the funeral guy "mam" AHH how horrifying!)
5. "It's so sad, this is not how it is supposed to be" (Rachel in my car talking about how parents are supposed to go first)
6. "you're such a loser" (Julia to me, of course)
7. "I can't believe I missed this, I missed that"
8. "I love you" "I love you" "I love you""I love you""I love you""I love you"
9. "is your name Courtney maKay" (greekbutt for the hundreth time joking about my name after i told him many times what it was) "Alam mo ny an" (me)
10. "you are so brave, Dawn" (some guy)
11. "He was so talented" (friend)
12. "You are dismissed" (funeral guy)
13. "I will never let you hurt like this again"
14. "whoa" (Rachel when i slammed on the breaks to avoid hitting the car in front of me in the precession)
15. "I heard she had some trouble" (Elsie trying to pry for information about J)
16. Maraming Salamat po Diyos
17. "Kyle was pure sweetness and light, he was everything anyone would want their boy to be"
18. "oh, don't worry, we have some diet dr. pepper stashed away"
19. I'm sorry
20. "thank-you for singing" (j) "no, thank-YOU, you made it through, I love you" (me)
21. I smell like a bar and my family is pretty broken and messed up, but i love them... i need them... and i am part of them...
22. "It made me so sad to see aunt debby crying" (kayla) "i know sweetie, it's hard to see people you love in pain" (me)
23. "She is over there, and Grandma is over by that pine, and that heart is mom, and the baby is over there by the upsidedown vase between the two trees there" (aunt pat, pointing out family members graves)
24. "goodbye Kyle" (me as i touched his shoulder paying my final respects)

Reaching Out....

I am one of those people who is terrified of reaching out to others, to share with them my burdens, to ask for prayer for the "BIG" stuff, to be comfortable with shared knowledge. I am learning to be more aware, fully present, and patient. I am understanding that i may never understand, but am still capable of being there, here, separate, together, awake. And maybe, just maybe, some of the things i fear may happen are not as bad as i think they will be, not good, but good in the same sense.

Like unplanned pregnancies, babies born into less than "perfect" circumstances, I hope my attitudes about how things "should" be wouldn't hinder my relationship with the mother and child. that i could see that baby, and see good...

Or that maybe i would be able to cast aside my fears of getting close, or doing something wrong, saying something wrong, or not knowing what to do... i can still go and be there -- and pray, pray, pray...

Two for Tuesday

Dueling Cousins

Check out Eight is Great to Play along

Letter to my girls...

To my Girls,

I know this is coming from someone who is never experienced what you have experienced in the past and are experiencing now. I do not claim to know anything about what it means to be in a relationship except for what I have seen and heard from people, both good and bad. This is not meant to be a stay pure talk nor is it me trying to say what is right and what is wrong to do, or not to do. It is not my place to put myself on a pedestal and claim I know anything, but for a moment I would like to stand on my soap box and share some things that I think should be said as you journey through this chaotic time in life.

Being a teenager is a messy time, no matter what you are into, what group you belong to, or what groups you don’t belong to. It is scary, fun, and filled with so many things. I have been there, recently ;) and I know the things I did and I observed many other things from my peers. I saw people meet the One that they eventually married and I have seen people hurt so deeply that they were never the same again.

You! Yes You! No matter where you come from or where you have been are worthy of respect from everyone, which is why i am attempting to compose this letter to you as an adult. You have seen and experienced more things in your life than anyone should ever have to. Some things are deep inside you that others will never know and some are so deep that you are not even aware of them, it is true for all of us. We hide what we choose not to face, and our subconscious (the level of understanding so deep inside that we are not aware of its thoughts) hide the things we cannot face, because they would be to difficult to unearth. This is where actions like cutting, suicidal thoughts and poems, self-hatred, over eating, under-eating, drug abuse, sexual addictions, come from. They are not games or no big deal; they come from feelings so strong that we are not aware of them.

Sometimes even relationships are born out of our feelings of unworthiness, we are beings created to love and to be loved and we seek out ways to connect to others on a meaningful level. And even sometimes when we do not feel that the love we receive is adequate we seek out relationships with others.

Respect does not just mean treating someone as an equal, or not treating someone like trash. Respect is being able to see the creator inside of the creation. It goes beyond the Sunday school answer of “for God so loved the world” or “Jesus loves me” The Lord is a God who deeply cares for his creation more than we can even imagine. He loves us so much that he gave us the sun rising, the stars, a baby’s laughter, friends, and yes even relationships with significant others. He loves us so much he gives us the choice of responding to him out of free-will to make our own choices about how to pursue finding the One. Remember there is no separation between life and spiritual life, they are all connected.

Respect is never feeling pressured to do what makes that still small voice inside your heart tremble. I am saying all this so that you will know that I am praying for you and that I deeply care about you as not only my XXXXXXXXXXX but as young women whom I love for the unique and wonderful people that you are. Never ever be afraid to seek assistance when you need it, to tell someone no, or even to tell someone yes when the time is right. Remember I am always, always here for you to listen non-judgmentally, to offer help, or to just sit with you hold you and to cry. We are constantly learning throughout our journeys; that is one thing that will never change. And ladies, remember this, because even when I am “all grown up” I will still be there for you and my door will always be open no matter what! (but please keep 3am house visits to a minimum lol)

You are my heart and my heroes! You have come so far from those scared little scrawny kids that showed up at the door of my heart all those years ago. I don’t know if you remember those first few months, but I do. I still have the necklace that M gave me one night, before you were in foster care, or how cute and also sad it was how K was so concerned about R in the beginning, or how heartbreaking E's little face was as she struggled to fight back tears when D, K and I had to drop her and R back at her foster home until we could get you for keeps. You are my inspiration and my heroes because of who you were back then and you have become since then. My eyes fill with tears of joy as I write this because I love you so much. I thank my God that you are in my life and pray that we will always be close. My kids need some super aunts someday, and I need great friends who are courageous, beautiful, and amazing women of God.

With all my heart,

Courtney

So there's this little girl and i kinda love her...

My sweet little sister Randee

***Please keep her in your prayers as she is having testing done on the lump on her thyroid next week***

Adoption Changes Everything!

thoughts on a friday night...

Sometimes i surprise myself... I am not the bravest, patientest, or most loving person, in fact i am far from it... but sometimes there are moments when bravery, Patience, and love show themselves in tiny microscopic drops.

God has been so good to me lately, despite how undeserving i am of His grace. He has kept me safe, secure, and given me such joy these last couple of weeks at Hope. I can feel His love for me as i walk through the pine grove to class, as i drive to work and hold babies, as i struggle through assignments. When I lay my head down at night He gives me peace. And I am truly grateful.

I have been talking to more people, making an effort to be a "Child of Hope". I am blessed and privileged to be here and i need to make the most of each day here, whether i bomb a test or get spit-up on at the daycare. I need to not take some things so seriously (play vocation pictionary) because God has my life in his hands and will never leave me, and I need to take some things more seriously because God means business.

Life is a gift, love is not an option...

even

and especially

when

it's

HARD...

Nanny-ing...

It is so hard to be all that i want to be, all that i feel like i need to be, and i know that i am not the only one. I see the AIDS orphans, i need to hold them. I see the man looking for food in the dumpster, i need to feed him. I see the friend trying to hide her pain, i need to ask. I hear someone wish for something, i need to provide. The "I" is the problem... I know that we are to look to God to fulfil our needs, but i feel so pulled to respond that it has become a need that "I" need to fulfil. Re-reading this it probably doesn't make any sense sorry! I can't seem to be able to explain myself very well lately, my articulation is off, probably a sign from God that i need to shut-up a bit more and talk less cause it is not my turn...

I have been baby-sitting in Frankenmuth this weekend for an 8 year old girl, her brother was here as well. I am discovering lately that maybe the reason i love baby-sitting so much, besides my love for kids is that i love to run a beautiful household, if only for a short while. I know that things are not what is important, but it is nice to have access to the little luxuries of families that are well off, (nice furniture, big houses, wireless Internet, fancy kitchen appliances) I am happy with what i have, but someday i would love to have a home like the ones i baby-sit in.

Her...

I am learning to love her again each and every day... My deepest hurt is not being better for Her and for Them... I was disappointed she wasn't what I wanted her to be and nothing gave me the right to even think that. Yes, we are called to be responcible for each other, but that does not mean that we can decide what that person should be... I see this from so many views now, not just about Her. There is another Her in my life who is not who i think she should be, who she could be...who maybe she doesn't want to be and i am dealing with that... i am dealing with my attitudes about that just as i have had to do with the original Her.



We are more alike then we are different... and we need each other... I need Her... and i also need Her#2.