Where Will You Run...

By Your Side ~ Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

I'll be honest, most of last week really sucked. Although, I am not sure if it was entirely last week's fault. Everything piled up and when that happens things get ugly. 

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching

As if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

A sweet baby met Jesus before he knew his mother's touch, A toddler had a difficult surgery, My uncle had his cancer removed along with a significant portion of his chest wall.

'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I turned 25. I always get nostalgic on my birthday, I always feel let down by the year that has past, that i didn't do enough, I didn't love enough, that I wasn't enough.

Look at these hands at my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Angry, bitter, selfish, sad....afraid. Fear makes us do crazy things. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

I made a decision that removes my stability, takes me out of my comfort zone, terrifies me, but removes me from a place that is not good for me.

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Guilt chanting in my ear. Pushing away. Hiding.

'Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, yeah I'll love you

I'll never let you go, no, no

Brokenness. The bittersweet. 

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Talking it through, being lifted in prayer, walking the dog in the sunshine, sweet baby snuggles, hugs, words. Hope

Here at my side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Here at my side, my hands are holding you

Ohhh...

25

I may have just given myself the best birthday present ever... Stay tuned.

24

I always get a bit contemplative and melancholy this time of year. Maybe because of the weather, maybe the memories, maybe the importance I place on the changes, regardless it's march. In a few hours I will turn 25. A quarter of a century, old as dirt.

24 was filled with new, new job, new home, "new" car, new church, and many new lives. (24 babies have been born at home in fact, bringing the grand total to 29/31)

I am searching
I am waiting
I am doing
I am listening
I am grateful.

One year...

On this day in 2012. I was invited into the home of someone i had never met, into the sacred, to sit quietly and chart, to scrub out a tub, and so began my journey as a midwife's apprentice.

This journey that I've been on this past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...

Each day in the office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the door has taught me to be patient, to listen.

The midnight wake up calls, the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.

The stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized, respond, and trust.

The primal scream, the newborn cry, the laughter have taught me joy.

The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch, have taught me flexibility.

The colleagues, the doulas, the students, the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a sisterhood.

This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface to describe.

Powerful.

Love.

Miracles.




I am grateful.

Lions...

March comes in like a lion...

It's roaring, snarling, prowling.
Bringing things like stress and cancer and moving and work and play and busy and missing loved ones and aging and memories.

But I will try to focus on March going out like a lamb, the lamb who laid down his life for me and holds me still. Shalom.

Dust...

At church tonight we had a wonderful guest preacher. he spoke on the well known story about Jesus telling the fishermen to put down their nets and follow him. He told us that in jewish culture, boys attended hebrew school in levels. 1st they memorized the torah, if they did well they went on to memorize the rest of scripture and finally those who were successful were sent out into the community to find a rabbi who would disciple them. The rest were sent home to learn the family trade. The "b team" if you will.

What was really intriguing to me was that the young men who were chosen to learn from the rabbi followed so closely that they were said to be covered in the dust if the rabbi. It became a complement, a sign of commitment and zeal. In order to learn how to be a rabbi the students would practically cling to his robes, their goal was glean as much knowledge as they could from him.

The sermon got me thinking so I did some reading this evening on the saying "may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi" .

I had always heard rabbi translated as teacher, one article I read stated that, "These teachers were called “sages” before 70 AD (hakamim, or “the wise”). After that the title “rabbi” began to be used."

Sages...Hold up... Did you know that another word for midwife is sage-femme?

Hang with me on this for a minute.

Midwifery is a skill best learned by the apprenticeship model, watching, and eventually doing along side someone (or many someones) who has experience. A teacher, a sage-femme, a wise mentor.

Let's connect this back to the story of the fishermen. Jesus was always hanging out with the outcasts of society, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he called out to the fishermen, the ones who didn't make the cut back in Hebrew school. Even though i know i have been called to be a midwife, and can't imagine doing anything else, I know I am not the greatest student. I make a ton of mistakes, I am quiet, I tend to step back because I am afraid of messing up. I am so blessed to have been welcomed into the practice of a wise and caring midwife that keeps me around despite my shortcomings. I am the "b team" chosen from right field and for that I am grateful.

This lenten season, as I add and subtract things from my life, in order to serve the Lord and live deeper into my calling. I can only hope that someday, someone will be able to say to me, that I am covered by the dust of my rabbi, in midwifery yes, but even more so I want to be covered in the dust of my Rabbi; My savior, creator of unique community, the one who loves me more than I will ever imagine.


(For more information check out: http://offqueue.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/dust_rabbi.pdf and http://ourrabbijesus.com/2012/01/27/covered-in-the-dust-of-your-rabbi-an-urban-legend/ )

Labor support

Love, like

Angels singing is

Breaking through.

Our hands supporting, waiting

Reaching out

Safely
Understanding
Praying
Protecting
Open
Respecting
The power of birth

Full circle...

Some of my favorite moments in life have been times when I was able to "come full-circle" today was one of them.

In December of 2009, I attended my very first home birth. Wendy called around 9pm asking if I was interested in going with her as "2nd on" since one of her assistants was unavailable. "2nd on" is essentially responsible for setting up, running for things as a go-for, charting and the glorious task of clean up. I agreed and spent the next few hours giddy at being on-call. It seemed like forever until I finally got the go ahead to drive to the birth.
I shadowed Wendy while she assessed the mama's progress until "1st on" arrived I instantly loved D. Funny and kind and about 9 months pregnant she along with kristin, (another assistant, now midwife, who was able to come later on due to the birth taking 18 hours) was the one who showed me the ropes on how to set up for a birth, keep things organized, clean out the tub and keep things running smoothly for the boss.
We waited all night with little progress, until 8am when things began picking up and a Tiny Baby Boy entered this world blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso. He cried and quickly pinked up. It was amazing and I was hooked!
But, I digress....
D had her baby a few weeks later, a girl and I rejoiced seeing the photos.
After I joined the practice officially in 2012 I was surprised and excited to see that D was expecting again. I looked forward to her prenatal appointments and was excited for her birth.

Today a valentine baby was born :) and oh how my heart sings.

She was born into her 8 year old sister's hands and welcomed into the world by many more loving siblings. I fell even more in love with this family throughout the labor. (There are some great stories I will have to share another time. ) Welcome sweet baby.

Eyes

Their eyes, it's always the eyes I see in my mind's eye when I try to sleep at night. 20 years of sweet baby coos and grunts and cries, the toddler belly laughs and tantrums, singing preschoolers and crazy wild school age kids. I never thought i would say this; I can't remember all their names anymore, but each of those precious lives have changed me. I may forget names, but I always will Carry a piece of them in my memory.

Already there

"From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan"- already there, casting crowns

Today at bible study we discussed rejection and how it deeply wounds, the part that stuck out to me was how sometimes we are rejected for a reason. God is perfect love, but sometimes God allows for rejection in order to give us a clear "no" by shutting the door and how important It is to stand firm and trust while waiting in the hallway.

My time as a pre-education major is a prime example. When I had taken the first tier of classes it was time to declare i applied for the education program and was rejected, I appealed the decision, and was again rejected, I sat down with the head of the department and after our discussion rejected my appeals. Praise The Lord. At the time the rejection hurt, but as I look back I am grateful. I graduated with a different major and had more opportunities to take classes that helped me to grow and heal. I still don't know what God's doing with all this, but I am grateful for his picture perfect plan.