On finding my midwife voice

50 days. I love my job, there is nothing like it. Cords and molding, water, sweat, tears, cries and pouty lips, heaviness, being forever connected by the holy moment when heaven kisses earth. Still and calm, loud and strong. Brave and beauty. Life doesn't look like I imagined it but I am still so overwhelmingly blessed. 

February update

It's probably not a good thing but I'm practically vomit in my mouth shaky nervous for a few of my midwifery colleagues who are taking the NARM exam this week. I'm nervous for them... I know how important dreams are. 

As for an update on me, honestly I'm struggling. Life is gonna be different in 56 days, so many things are up in the air, and it's almost March. It feels like I'm treading water, kicking hard to stay afloat and sometimes going under for a moment too long, lungs burning and then having to take a giant stinging breath, not knowing when I'll surface again. 

I'm learning a lot, I'm excited and have so much happy in my life but there is fear and grief too. So many big feelings that I feel like a toddler trying to work it out. Im learning to trust and to discern and to love and be loved. 

I'm holding on and I'll keep kicking my feet for as long as I can. 

Camping

I've always wanted to go camping. Real camping. In a tent. On the ground. I pictured a serene location with trees or maybe a tent pitched on the sand, where the waves could lull me to sleep. This past week I got excited for a potential "camping trip" in a tent, a city of tents. I Dreamt  about being In the heat, with the familiar rooster calls through the night, tricycle sputters and jeepney horns. The cry of new life.  I didn't realize how much I wanted to go until I was faced with grieving the loss of the opportunity. I'm standing on the promises that things work out how they are supposed to but it's still a bitter disappointment.