alam mo ny an

heavy...

2012-01-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

January has been a heavy month...

In the snow that finally decided to fall.
Dreams
Thoughts
Events

I am prepping for life to take me on another tailspin, and although I am grateful and excited. I am a bit terrified. Can I do this? I can't imagine myself doing anything else...

There are so many things that are falling into place that I find myself in constant amazement at how God takes care of this undeserving sinner.

February is about to get very interesting and very busy...

This I Believe #2

2012-01-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

I Believe in the Journey. The rough roads made smooth by years of trodding back and forth to the same places, over and over again. Painfully repeating lessons you thought you have learned.

I Believe in wondering broken roads in broken places, wiping the dust off the glass to peer inside the run down heart. I believe in actively seeking by hiding in the back pew of a mega church is just as important sometimes as standing at the pulpit.

I believe that the journey can be made by leading people in worship, teaching children "Jesus Loves Me", The patterns of Sit, stand, kneel and recitations at Mass.

I believe it is in entering a mosque with head covered, praying at the beach to the waves, sitting in the silence at a Friends' Meeting, breaking bread at a Seder table.

I believe in being washed in the blood, bathed in chilly baptismal waters behind a pulpit, and icy waters of lake Superior. Sprinkled. Poured. Immersed.

I believe in energy, touch, and the sacredness of the moon felt in circles of women and tents of red. The dance to the beat of a drum in honor of Mother Earth, Healings and Miracles.

As it is said "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

I believe being human is touching, loving, hating and pondering. It is love, fear, hurt and joy. We are drawn to these things, to each other, to the earth, and to our creator.

This I Believe #1

2012-01-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe in the vessel that holds and nourishes life deep inside. I believe in the powers and the passenger and the passageway. I believe in the power of women, in birth, in the journey to enter the world. I believe in the mess, the blood and the soil.

I believe that pregnancy is a normal and natural process, not a medical condition. I believe that women should be able to choose where to give birth and that babies should choose when to be born. I believe that birth changes women into mothers far more than in name. I have seen a mother become a mother for the first and for the fifth time and the transformation is there no matter the number. When the baby transitions into the birth canal there is fierceness. When the baby crowns it is a holy moment in which, all in the room become one as a fresh infant slithers into the world and onto its mother’s chest.

I believe in the magic that happens when a baby opens its eyes this side of heaven and sees the world for the first time. I believe in the power of a baby’s fist breath and throttled cry to bring a gown man to his knees, tears to a mother’s eye, and a knowing glimmer in the midwife’s heart. I believe in standing back, a silent witness to the creation of a family.

I believe in the powers that ripen the cervix and prepare the way for change – uncomfortable, painful but necessary. I believe in the passenger, perfectly formed and ready to make the journey. I believe in the passageway that connects lives together forever.

2011

2011-12-31T11:50:00.001-05:00

Whoa… that pretty much sums up this year.

It has been a whirlwind. January of 2011 I was in total panic mode. I entered my last semester of college and needed a plan. I was taking a couple challenging courses and was concerned about passing them. (I took a few really fun classes too!) I had to figure out what came next. Where would I work? Where would I live?

Needless to say, I graduated, found a place to work, and signed a lease on an apartment. I discovered new places and explored my new city. I worked two different jobs and met new people. I missed my friends that are now all spread from coast to coast and all over the world. I missed my community at Hope… yet I have stayed connected and will continue to hold tight to our ever evolving relationships as we figure out this grown-up stuff.

Comically, (sort of) I am beginning 2012 in the same boat. Where will I work? Where will I live? As I pack up my life once more and move across the state. This time feels different though. I will be doing something I love and I have experience starting over. the boat is still a bit wobbly though as it leaves the shore. This sailor hates not knowing what lies ahead. I long for BIG changes and fear both those changes and the idea that a year from now nothing will have changed.

Now for the year in review:

2011-12-13T10:54:00.000-05:00

In this time of Advent, I play one of my favorite Christmas songs and think of all the babies that have changed everything in my life;

The foster babies

(Ciara, Cordelia, Devontae, Kiara, Alyah, Kuran, Brandon)

The 7

The hundreds of children I have held from daycare and babysitting

Guatemala babies

Isabella

Miracle babies

The babies that never made it earthside

I think of the babies of the future that will pass from my hands into their mother's as they take their first breath

I think of the babies that will someday be mine, the ones I will carry in my womb and in my heart

I think of that baby, born in a stable, wrapped in cloths, whose birth was attended by the angels.

I am reminded, that my God knows exactly what makes me tick, how to get my attention, how to teach me, how to remind me I am loved.

A baby changes everything...

Theme song of the month...

2011-11-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!"

If I was Debt Free

2011-11-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

I am trying to win “the $500 Enemy of Debt competition, sponsored by Life Insurance Finder the life insurance comparison experts”

If I was debt free I would

Return to the Philippines

Return to Guatemala

Finish midwife training

Bucket List...

2011-11-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.

Become a midwife
Become a mother
Be a foster/Adoptive parent
Return to the Philippines
Return to Guatemala
Give back more than I recieve
Dance in the rain with my family
Harry Potter World (enough said!)
Buy a bookshelf (to get my 19 boxes of books up and out of the closet!)
Swim in Lake Superior
Sit on top of a mountain
Get novel published
Write a children's book
Visit a new place
Get Healthy

Someday...

2011-11-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

Day Bath

Last night I walked him back and forth,
his small head heavy against my chest,
round eyes watching me in the dark,
his body a sandbag in my arms.
I longed for sleep but couldn't bear his crying
so bore him back and forth until the sun rose
and he slept. Now the doors are open,
noon sunlight coming in,
and I can see fuchsias opening.
Now we bathe. I hold him, the soap
makes our skins glide past each other.
I lay him wet on my thighs, his head on my knees,
his feet dancing against my chest,
and I rinse him, pouring water
from my cupped hand.
No matter how I feel, he's the same,
eyes expectant, mouth ready,
with his fat legs and arms,
his belly, his small solid back.
Last night I wanted nothing more
than to get him out of my arms.
Today he fits neatly
along the hollow my thighs make,
and with his fragrant skin against mine
I feel brash, like a sunflower.

~Debra Spencer from Pomegranate

good words...

2011-10-15T21:11:00.002-04:00

On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

And when your eyes

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

beannacht - john o'donohue

On trying to become a midwife...

2011-10-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I was blessed to be able to attend a midwife skills class hosted by a local midwife. I learned so much and had a great time. It is nice to be with people who see the birth process as normal and not have to defend myself or my ideas on it.

We studied and practiced injections, blood draws, IV's, exams, and suturing. I am really looking forward to the next one in a couple of weeks hosted by Michigan Midwife's Association (MMA).

This is me getting Sterile Water Papules... They are used for back pain in labor (posterior babies), it is water injected in the skin (like a TB test) but since it is not PH balanced with the body it stings! (I did really well with the ones I gave to another woman in the class) :)

One...

2011-09-26T22:01:00.000-04:00

Ask me what peace is and I will tell you

Peace is the Steady Beat hiding behind the whooshing sounds

Peace is Faith beyond what the tests reveal

Peace is found in prayers full of tears

Peace is the sound of that first squealing cry

Peace is in healing and heading home

Peace is Hope at each small twitch of little feet

Peace is the feeling of you in my arms for the first time

Peace is that sweet baby smell I can never seem to get enough of

Peace is the power of seeing you stand

Peace is the blessing of watching you grow

Peace is what I feel holding you tonight,

one year later

bigger

stronger

Peace is a toddler who rests deeply

unaware of the tears that glisten in sun-bleached hair

who still (barely) fits in my lap.

Happy Birthday Buddy!

Confessions and ponderings...

2011-09-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, lately I have been pretty down. So much so that by the weekends it is very easy for me to sit around all day and read or watch movies. I have been dabbling into some crafty things lately such as knitting and scrap-booking, but it is hard to get the motivation to do much else on my own. It was nice this weekend to have lunch with my aunt and to have my former co-worker's baby spend the night it kept me up and about while still allowing me to relax a bit after a hectic work week.

I am also a bit discouraged with my future goals lately, for both internal and external reasons. I am cautiously testing the water before I jump in. Playing it safe is where I am comfortable, but there is a certain bit of discomfort with hesitation.
It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are peeking around the edge with one eye closed.

It is hard to have the courage to jump in and run through the tunnel, when it seems like so many stones are blocking the entrance.

I am ~~struggling~~ distant with my faith lately. I know and feel that God is near but we are having a silent time.

I know I have been called to serve the Lord by serving babies, children and mamas. I know that I will someday "catch" babies, return to an orphanage to work with the babies and young pregnant women that are living there, I know that someday I will attend a court hearing that will declare a child mine, I know that someday I will give back a child that is not "mine" to keep, I know that someday I will try to carry a child in my own womb.

I know that I am ok right now with where I am and with what I am doing. I know that the day to day is temporary and that I need to stop checking off the days as done and enjoy them more, because time moves so fast. In a blink of an eye 10 years pass. In 17 months I will have spent a quarter of a century earth-side. As someone once said, "Don't count the days, make the day's count" I am trying.

Into these Hands

2011-08-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

So I had a spontaneous whirlwind trip back home last weekend. My goal was to see as many people as possible, and i didn't do too bad. :) (Thanks for making time for me guys!)

I also received a book as a graduation present from my favorite midwife Wendy. I had never heard of this book until I borrowed a copy earlier this summer when I started attending midwife study group. This book is so amazing.

From the website:
"It is a comprehensive anthology of the life stories of 25 remarkable women who have dedicated their lives and careers to the path of midwifery and social change"

Including some Michigan Midwifes!

What makes my copy special is Wendy had it signed by the editor and the Michigan midwife authors.(everyone who knows me knows that one way to my heart is books that are signed lol)

What made me cry, was the signatures themselves...

When I have my days where I think that I am not good enough to do this I can look at their encouraging words.

"We want you" "Come join us" "It is time to Leap!"

Truth is...

2011-08-26T21:50:00.000-04:00

It is move in weekend at my Alma Mater
I am glad to be done, but miss my community
I should not have looked at my college scrap book because it still makes me sad.
looking at the college scrapbook, caused me to look at the Guatemala scrapbook which caused me to look at the Isabella scrapbook, which made me sad.
I miss my college
I miss "my" daughter
My job is kinda stinky, but it will get better
Some days my dreams feel so close and real
some days they feel impossible
I know God is always there but I am having a blind time
I have really awesome friends and mentors
I am far away from most of them
I got a graduation gift last week that made me go home and cry
I am really tired
things are always better in the morning
My Gabe is going to be one soon
I need to make some phone calls i have been putting off
loan repayment starts soon
I don't know where I will be come June
I am trying to remember that I didn't know where I would be this time last year.
I wish I would have tried harder in spanish class and ASL class
my camera died and I am very lost without it

...this is what is on my mind.

Love…

2011-07-31T19:32:00.001-04:00

I have been thinking a lot this weekend about love. The kind of love that makes a woman a mother as she pushes her child into the world. The kind of love that makes a person stay up all night to drive out to a hurting friend. The kind of love when someone lives on hospital food and sleeps on a waiting room chair just to spend as much time as possible comforting a loved one in the hospital. The kind of love that causes a parent to get up in the night with a scared or sick child. The kind of love that causes a pastor to pray for someone. The kind of love that a teacher shows when she will not let a student fail. The kind of love that is mittens to a homeless child and food to the orphans belly. The kind of love that causes strangers to share and pray for each other’s hurts in the blog world. The kind of love that is in a baby’s laughter and complete trust in his caregiver. The kind of love that is in answered and unanswered prayers.

Is it just me or have the last few years been absolutely crazy? The Sadness. The Joy. The Pain. The Fear. The Love.

Gabe, Stellan, Abby, Tripp, Julia, Harper, Hailee, Elianna, Isabella, Denise, etc…

Saturday morning I attended the funeral of Professor Mary DeYoung, “MDY” as she was known to her students. 58 years old, a short battle with cancer. A woman who loved. Deeply loved. Everyone.

Oh how i struggle with this daily… To love, and to let myself be loved… by others and by God. who are we to decide who gets love? Who are we to push away the love of others and deem ourselves unworthy?

We have left so much undone at the close of each day…

“Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors [or] ourselves.”-CBP

Friday Fill Ins

2011-07-22T20:13:00.000-04:00

1. Life is crazy.

2. downtown is one of the best places to people watch EVER because it is so busy.

3. if I was going somewhere, the one thing I have to bring is my keys.

4. I will have enough money to be a midwife soon enough.

5. Next year, I will be spending more time at births than at a daycare.

6. I cleaned my room and I found out it will never be totally clean.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reading and writing, tomorrow my plans include midwife documentaries, cleaning, writing and Sunday, I want to be happy!

Doing it again....

2011-07-18T19:25:00.000-04:00

As you may remember... one time in February I wrote a novel in a month! The premise of the class was to write an entire novel from beginning to end in one month. (NANOWRIMO style)

I have been itching to write... I NEED to write... and I found a writing buddy...

So ready set go on Friday Jen (a friend and doula) and I are beginning the journey! I am really excited to see what a 2nd time novel looks and feels like as well as to journey along with Jen!

Story time….

2011-07-16T18:10:00.001-04:00

Below is the story of Isabella… I wrote it during my senior seminar…

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love”-Hillary Stanton Zunin

She arrived in an ambulance, sirens off until it pulled up to the heavy iron gate. The ancient van transformed into an ambulance crawled up the hill and the children dusty and sticky with sweat in the midday sun ran along beside it. A woman stepped out of the back clutching a tiny bundle of blankets. She entered the building that served as the kitchen, cafeteria, and gathering space. Tita Carol looked at the tiny bundle and cooed, then pointed and told the woman in Spanish to hand the bundle to me. I took the bundle from the woman and saw the smallest little nose peeking out from the blankets. I carefully pulled the blanket away from the baby’s face. I had never held a baby so tiny before. I was told it was a girl and when I asked her name Carol said solemnly, “no name”.

The sweet infant I held in my arms surrounded by children and others who had traveled with me to the Orphanage in Guatemala, was motherless, abandoned, alone, and without a name. Time seemed to stand still. I carefully unwrapped her and took a closer look at her tiny features. She opened her eyes as she was removed from her toasty cocoon. Tita Carol told me to give her a name. I didn’t stand a chance.

Isabella Esperanza Maria became known that day. She was given the name Isabella because she smiled when I said it, Esperanza because it was a group of Hope College students that surrounded her that day and Maria because the baby room staff did not get the memo that she had a name. Isabella Esperanza Maria, it means God is my oath and hope in this sea of bitterness.

I was told by somebody very wise that I was a mother mourning, and that was the best description I have heard to date about how I feel being so far away from the baby girl who spent her first week out of the hospital laying skin to skin on my chest. She needed a mother, and I needed her. I am no stranger to loss.

I was friends with a girl whose aunt had foster kids. My family would provide respite care for them occasionally and when I was old enough I would baby sit. I fell in love over and over again. Then lost them over and over again. Their names and faces haunt me still. Ciara. Cordelia. Devontae. Kiara. Alleya. Children have always come and gone in my life. It comes with the job as a baby sitter and a daycare worker. Kids grow, families move, I went away to college.

I know how to love and let go, but for some reason, I cannot let go of Isabella. As soon as I returned to the states I began planning on how I could save and get back to her, praying for Guatemala to allow international adoptions again, for all the kids that sat in waiting at the orphanage, each day making them older and less likely to get a forever family. My arms ached to hold her.

However, it was not meant to be, Isabella’s mama came back into her life six months after abandoning her at the hospital. The judges gave her back to her. I will probably never see Isabella this side of heaven again. My daughter is gone, I am a mother in mourning. Was it worth it? I may never know for sure, because it happened, I can’t undo my love for her, I just patch the weeping hole in my heart and try to move on. Knowing that loving her has changed my entire life.

On being a “grown up”…

2011-07-03T22:25:00.001-04:00

I can feel myself aging in thought and deed. In the words I say and the places I go. In the way I view the world and in the way I treat people. Things that used to be annoying, are no longer, different things are important to me. I am counting breaths. Breathing deeply. Praying harder. Dreaming bigger… and those dreams are not so scary or far away anymore. I can almost taste them, reach my hand out and grasp them…

Become a doula (by age 24)

Write another novel in the style of NANOWRIMO in November.

Visit my friends in the locations they are living (within the next 5 years)

Become a midwife by 28

Open up an office on 8th street in Holland

Live in a beach house on the shores of Lake Michigan (where I can wake up in the morning and drink my OJ on the sand!)

Travel often to serve orphans

Be a mama (adoption, birth and foster)

Laugh daily, live intentionally, love deeply

A different kind of study…

2011-07-01T21:32:00.001-04:00

Studying up to hopefully go to Doula Class next month if finances will allow!

Books 1,2,5,8,10 complete (as I own them)

(the binder on the bottom contains the herbal bible from Fall 10 MMA conference)

Solo Adventure…

2011-07-01T21:21:00.001-04:00

John Ball Zoo penguins having a loud conversation!

Holland on my mind…

2011-06-14T21:27:00.001-04:00

I really enjoyed spending time in Holland the last week. On Sunday I visited with friends in Holland and spent some time on the chilly shores of Lake Michigan. I could watch the waves crash upon the sand for hours. The cool sand between my toes is a blissful tactile experience and it is in the rush of the tide I find my shalom.

I spent this afternoon with the two littlest listmaker’s , as well as a quick visit with the T man.

Middle G is too funny! He always cracks me up with the way his little mind works

AND my littlest G is sitting up like a big boy now! He absolutely amazes me and has the best belly laugh! I ended the day at the biggest G’s T-Ball game. It was very entertaining and the weather was beautiful!

I love visiting Holland but it makes me long for the future, full of Holland Summers

When Becca Came to Town: A picture story

2011-06-14T21:14:00.002-04:00

This is my friend Becca, she currently lives in Goshin, but will soon reside in Columbia

Becca came to Grand Rapids to visit me. It made me very happy :)

We took the bus downtown and had a little adventure

I really enjoyed the “Giant Tire Swing”

And hiding in the “woods”

I am so glad Becca came to visit

Emotions of transition…

2011-06-02T21:24:00.001-04:00

fearexcitementjoymissinglovingheldalonepowerfulbrokenamazingfreeboredtrustingbusygreatfulalive

Settled…

2011-05-21T11:43:00.001-04:00

The many faces…

2011-05-21T11:09:00.001-04:00

View Full Album

I am so blessed

amidst the craziness of life

to spend time with

this handsome little guy :)

Graduation Day…

2011-05-21T11:08:00.001-04:00

Me and my Becca Jo!!!!

The Family

The Friends

The Mentor

Music Speaks when words fail…

2011-05-17T21:02:00.001-04:00

So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace

–AWH

Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

-JM

I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my body
Water in my dry bed
And to my blackened branches,
You brought the springtime
Green of a new life
And nothing is impossible
For You

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

-JJ Heller

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

-Selah

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through

-Mandisa

And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

-Francesca Battistelli

A little too much time on your hand
So many things pressing your heart
Now you're caught up in a brain storm
And the winds are tearing you apart
And what matter the most now
Shouldn't matter at all
You forgot who's holding you up
And He won't let you fall
Who's in control of your life
And knows better than you ever will
Who tells you time and again
Hush and be still
It's time to recognize
That your answer in His eyes
Where the river flows If you'll just
Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know that His joy is your strength
Can you fathom it
Peace beyond your understanding
When you gonna grab a hold of it
Cause you're life's not your own
You can't do it alone
There is a remedy if you will let go

-Ayiesha Woods

****look for a house tour post this weekend!****

Ending…

2011-05-07T17:44:00.002-04:00

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. ~Gilda Radner

Rope of Hope

2011-05-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken

Nor will the roots that have been planted

in the soil of Hope be uprooted

"Well Done" -TDJ

counting…

2011-04-24T16:38:00.001-04:00

1 more presentation

2 more days at Toddlerville

3 more papers

4 more days of class

******

14 days until graduation

Lord be near!

Not Fair

2011-04-04T21:04:00.002-04:00

As I sit nursing a still swollen foot thinking about how much it stinks. I am reminded how much worse it could be.

Children stuck in orphanages

Mamas and Daddys not able to adopt because of legalities

Please pray for Shyanne and the Freeds... http://guatfreeds.jimdo.com/shyanne-s-story/

owie

2011-03-28T10:40:00.004-04:00

I have spent the last few days on the couch or crawling around due to a 2nd/3rd degree sprained foot. :( it kinda sucks, but it could have been so much worse. Thank you Lord for protecting the kiddos and helping me to keep it all together until they were safe with their parents again.

23…

2011-03-13T22:11:00.001-04:00

1. cookie monster cookie cake

2. amazing gifts from friends :)

3. hour nap/read-a-thon

4. pieces of said cookie monster cookie cake

5. hours with a handsome little guy

6. fantastic roommates

7. laugh out loud moments watching Tangled.

8. awe inspiring dances at the dance concert

9. chapters of a book for class read

10. (million) Face*book wishes

11. sentences written for a paper

12. good pictures taken out of 200

13. th day of March

14. years since 4th grade

15. wobblers enjoying popsicles

16. days of remembering

17. uterus headed pregnant women :)

18. years since kindergarten

19. job applications

20. apartment hunting websites

21. baby kisses

22. happy moments

23. more to come until 46!

Surrender

2011-03-12T23:13:00.001-05:00

A wise woman posted these words on her blog:

"What we are called to give up in Lent is control itself. Deliberate efforts to impose discipline on our lives often serve only to lead us further away from the freedom that Jesus attained through surrender to the Spirit, and promised to give. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)"

"Perhaps this word "surrender" should be enough for my prayer. Not the surrender of submission to an enemy, but the opposite, the laying down of resistance to the One who loves me infinitely more than I can guess, the One who is more on my side than I am myself."

If you are reading this and are plagued by guilt and plagued by the fear of coming to God, release it. God does not shame. God does not guilt us into truth. God embraces us into freedom. Be free and know you are loved.”

How blessed we are for a lent season and for the wisdom that others are willing to share.

One…

2011-03-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday

To You

Happy Birthday

To You

Happy Birthday

Dear

Isabella Esperanza Maria

Happy Birthday

To You

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” ~Jeremiah 29:11

So this one time in February ….

2011-02-26T16:29:00.001-05:00

I kind of wrote a Novel!

Noveling

2011-02-04T22:15:00.001-05:00

It is novel writing month for my novel class 50,000 words in 28 days! Yikes! So far so good with lots of encouragement and chocolate! 8272 words in 4 days!

JJ Heller kind of month

2011-01-28T23:08:00.002-05:00

Stream of Conscious

2011-01-19T21:04:00.001-05:00

God is moving… do you feel Him?

Classes are going ok

I am terrified and excited to be in my final semester of school

I am blessed to have such an amazing group of friends and a tight support system

I am filled and empty

surrounded and alone

broken and beautiful

awake and asleep

grace like rain falls down on me

Daily i am blessed…

Daily I cry

but it is well with my soul

whatever happens in the next few months

my Abba Father has it covered

He always has :)

the rough road be made smooth

2011-01-19T20:46:00.001-05:00

Hills & Valleys from blaine hogan on Vimeo.

2011

2010-12-31T03:11:00.001-05:00

Because I am terrible at resolutions I thought I would spread them out over the year…

January

Begin the semester well
begin habit of working out
grow savings
focus
begin habit of spending 15-30 min in prayer room daily
begin search to connect to a local Holland church

February

Write a novel
Read every verse that mentions “love” in the Bible
work on loving deeply
attend job fair

March

Turn 23 and go to “On the Border” Restaurant to remember the beauty of friendship
Celebrate and remember Guatemala
read about serving in bible
Go Up North for break

April

have an idea for a job after graduation
stay connected to friends
have baby blanket finished

May

Graduate
have a place to live and be good with whatever and wherever it is
Read about God as provider

June

work hard and cheerfully at whatever job I have
Begin saving to take in foster baby
Begin Doula training

I think 6 months is enough for me for now… I am working on living in the moment and not worrying about the future too much… I don’t know where or what I will be doing after graduation, but I have figured out that as long as I remember that I am loved, valuable, worthy and created in the image of God I will have shalom.

2010

2010-12-31T02:48:00.001-05:00

Adios to a year of…

Exploring new places (Guatemala)

Adventures

Joy

Miracles

Friendship

Creativity

Love and painful loss

Fun

Pets old (RIP Peaches) and New

Gifts

Learning and focus for the future

From Prayer wall to arms…

2010-11-13T17:43:00.001-05:00

List lady Katie’s baby spent some time at my house today. he got lots of lovin’ and snuggles!

Did some cheering for the Dutchmen!

and made my heart happy :)

Thank you Katie!

Random

2010-11-08T19:50:00.001-05:00

I really stink at blogging lately!

Here are some updates

Classes are scheduled
I made some things in ceramics that actually look like they are supposed to.
I am working a lot and baby sitting a lot :)
I met sweet baby Gabe and had a bit of déjà vu and had to hold back from crying (especially after his oldest brother was telling me about the lady that cried at Toy Story 3 (I did too!) He is so funny and smart.)
God is really working on me in some areas and it is good
Everyone needs to read Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest
I went to a midwife conference and it was awesome!

My prayer…

2010-10-18T22:38:00.001-04:00

Isaiah 43:1-4:
But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel,

your Savior…

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you…”

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

Redeemed

summoned

Mine

updates…

2010-10-13T23:07:00.001-04:00

So I stink at updating the blog lately, but besides work and school I have not had too much to blog about.

This school year is going alright. My classes are pretty low key and I am working a lot so the bank account is happy (in between payments of bills of course). I am babysitting like mad too, so there is a lot of baby love in my life.

I am trying not to be too apprehensive about the future and trying not to get anxious about having everything planned out. I am taking it as it comes and hopefully will be employed in a field I fit into soon.

I am still mourning over losing “my” baby, Isabella as well as for the 14 other children in Guate who are returning to their families. I think about the Fundoninos kids a lot.

Hope is not doing a trip to Guate this year so I am trying to figure out if and when I can return there.

People have been asking what I want to do after graduation in a few short months… I am not sure… I think I would like to be working for a non-profit with children as well as begin training for doula certification so I can have a more active role in labor support. I would love to be bale to move into a place of my own or with a roommate. I love my family, but I long to be real grown-up.

I am looking forward to the Fall Michigan Midwife Association conference in a couple of weeks, and am very relieved to have the cash set aside for it. I am really hoping to do better this year at being more outgoing and comfortable there, since I have an idea of how it works this time. I am so grateful for the relationships with birth workers I have begun to develop.

This weekend is Fall Break and I will be headed back home for a couple of days… I am hoping to catch at least on birth cause the bug is biting hard!

I am doing alright… but please keep me in your prayers as I navigate the turbulent waters of senior year.

Untitled…

2010-09-29T16:14:00.002-04:00

Broken and Beautiful…

2010-09-21T20:23:00.002-04:00

My heart is broken and restored at the same time…

The Lord has given life to a sweet little boy on this day of Peace. Strong lungs and a thick head of hair. Ready to face surgery tomorrow to repair a hole in his spine

but….

I cannot find the peace in the reunification of a baby, who was abandoned at the hospital, nameless, motherless,

Who became loved, named and cherished

Is going to live with the very one who left her…

tomorrow…

forgiveness is hard sometimes….

peace is hard sometimes….

Lord Bless, Isabella Esperanza Maria

Continue to be our “oath and hope in this sea of bitterness”

missing…

2010-08-03T19:23:00.002-04:00

My Guatemalan Princess…

as the first one to hold her upon her arrival at Fundaninos from the hospital she is a part of my life forever, My sweet Isabella Esperanza Maria then…

and Now…

Come on Guatemala…

open international adoption back up! I want to bring MY baby HOME!!!!

Orphans of God

2010-06-20T16:46:00.000-04:00

Hope is fading...

2010-06-17T18:50:00.001-04:00

Hope is Fading from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

I can't wait until I can be a foster parent/ adoptive parent

Beautiful the mess we are...

2010-05-30T10:39:00.000-04:00

Remembering

2010-05-26T14:39:00.002-04:00

Baby Picture Sunday

2010-05-08T23:11:00.001-04:00

Hosted by: Debi at Who Says 8 is Enough!

This week's theme:

Mother & Child

I’m not a Mama yet, but I am grateful for all the mamas that have shared their babies with me over the years…

(some of the hundreds)

And I pray that those without Mamas tonight all over the world…

No More…

2010-04-28T22:18:00.003-04:00

No More Orphans

No More Abuse and Neglect

No More Poverty

No more Struggles

No More Cancer

Be careful what you pray for…

“Lord Let my heart be troubled by the things that trouble you…”

you may never sleep again without being haunted by dreams….

Most pics mine... first 2 by : http://brittanystrebeckblog.com/

Tiptoe through the Tulips

2010-04-27T19:43:00.001-04:00

I love this town!

Sad...

2010-04-18T21:01:00.005-04:00

It's been a week of gifts and joy...

Pain and sadness...

My heart aches for the Family of Abby Riggs as they wait and pray that the cancer has not returned.

In aches for the painful waiting of Harper and Hailee as they wait for a court date to become a forever family

It aches tonight for a little baby in Guatemala

For the children who are waiting there

For the ones who are hurt there

for the ones who do the hurting

because they hurt the most...

Lord come soon...

2010-04-06T08:33:00.001-04:00

How Should a Christian Live Book Review

2010-04-04T10:16:00.003-04:00

What an awesome devotional book series for teens! "How Should a Christian Live" is the 3rd book in the series using scripture from 1-2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1-2 Thessalonians, 1-2 Timothy, Titus, and Philemon. The sections of each "lesson" really help to make the information stick and apply to everyday life. "GET-IT (help to understand difficult concepts); GRAB-IT (how does this look in your own life); HOLD-IT (how to maintain in everyday life); GIVE-IT (how does this affect others in your life); DEFINE-IT (in-depth look at key words); and LIVE-IT (presentation of ideas, questions, challenges to support each session's content)" (Booksneeze).

I really like that it can be used for independent study as well as small group study. It is long enough to be detailed, but not too long to lose the interest of the reader. The activities with each lesson keep it fun as well as the celebrity recordings on the included MP3- CD. I am excited to share this series with the youth in my home church.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Fundaninos

2010-04-03T19:52:00.002-04:00

some of the over 2,000 pics that capture the face of an orphanage

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Isabella...

2010-03-30T10:16:00.003-04:00

Meet
Isabella Esperanza Maria

Abandoned at the hospital, less than 5lbs, so tiny,
named by our group Isabella (she smiled when we said her name)

Esperanza for Hope College

And Maria by the baby house staff

Her name means: God is my oath and hope in this sea of bitterness

Whoa...

Easter Basket BlogHop!

2010-03-28T15:33:00.002-04:00

Hershey’s is donating $10 per blog participating in the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to a total of $5000 by blog posts written by April 4, 2010). Katie over at A Listmaker's Life sent me a virtual Easter basket to support this great cause!

I'd like to send virtual baskets to these friends:
(If I missed you and you'd love to participate you are more than welcome to join the hop)

Mckmama
Debi

Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop Rules
1. Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.

2. Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger — you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want!

3. Link back to the person who gave you an Easter Basket.

4. Let each person you are giving a Virtual Basket know you have given them a Basket.

5. Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop in the comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.

6. Hershey’s is donating $10 per blog participating in the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to a total of $5000 by blog posts written by April 4, 2010).

7. Please note that only one blog post per blog url will count towards the donation.

Guatemala Teaser....

2010-03-28T15:26:00.002-04:00

Beautiful places...

2010-03-18T13:56:00.002-04:00

Mackinac Island, MI

Holland, MI

Marquette, MI

Manila, Philippines

11 hours until the journey to Guatemala

Here is Mercy...

2010-03-16T14:33:00.002-04:00

Each year, the week before Spring Break. The chapel CD is released. This year's edition is tiled "Here is Mercy" (A track written by Joshua Banner) It is a different kind of CD then in the previous years. It still speaks and portrays the vision of the college: Growing World Christians in the Soil of Hope, however, this one feels different. Maybe it is because of David and Emma. Maybe because of the past year's events. Maybe, maybe, it is because this is what we need...

Besides my favorite Kwake Yesu and Desert Song...

Oh You Bring (hillsong)

VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honour
All glory
All praise to You

22 things for 22 years...

2010-03-12T22:55:00.002-05:00

As my 22nd year ushers in here are 22 of the many remembrances of the year:

Florida trip over spring break
Disney World on my 21st B-day
Stellan getting sick and then healed
Fantastic summer at ARCLC
Spending time with my girls at the water park
several fantastic weekend long baby sitting jobs
Trail riding with Aunt Jodee, Savanna and Randee
Making it "up north" to the Rose City house
Michigan's Adventure with Randee in the freezing cold!
Statistics class :(
Dance class with Brittany and Rachel (TRAIN)
Meeting Jane Elliott
Saying goodbye to Stefan and Kayleigh
Fun day at the park and pool
Julia Graduates
my JD on TV and Seeing My fav. Actress on stage again (laura)
An amazing Fall as the Kuzma's Nanny
African Children's choir
Finding Ellie again and seeing pics of her at age 6
Meeting baby Tryg
Assisting at 2 home births AMAZING
Chicago Trip and welcoming back some of my Friends who studied abroad last semester

What will 22 hold...

Your Hands...

2010-03-11T19:38:00.003-05:00

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...

I never leave Your hands

JJ Heller

blah

2010-03-08T19:57:00.001-05:00

Gray days in my heart

When I miss the bright days

And want to run away

Maybe get lost here

When what I need to do is focus on this

I am stuck in the tension of this week...
I always suck at transitions
Especially birthday week

I want to be so much more
I can't stop dreaming about a future
catching babies
raising babies
traveling
Planting myself firmly in the soil of Holland

There is so much in my way it seems
but if it wasn't meant to be I'd like to think the Lord would take the desire away...

and

If it is meant to be... wouldn't He tear the walls down?

I think it is time for a bubble bath and a nap

Post-It Tuesday

2010-03-02T10:50:00.002-05:00

Book Review: REVOLVE 2010

2010-02-28T16:34:00.004-05:00

As a teen I remember reading the very first edition of the REVOLVE Bible-zine. I enjoyed the magazine layout and the "cool" pictures. It made carrying the Bible in my backpack easy and fun. Reading the 2010 edition brought back those high school memories. I am looking forward to passing REVOLVE 2010 on to one of "my girls" to read and see what she thinks of it.

The quizzes, and Christian artist spotlights are a lot of fun. A nice touch this year for connecting to teens is the "goodbook" sidebar, highlighting people from the bible in a "facebook" type format. Many young girls might also enjoy the "Beauty Basics" sections modeled after other popular teen magazines. Only these beauty tips are classy not trashy! "Dudes Decoded" is another sidebar based on teen magazines, however, it focuses on positive and God-centered relationships between young men and women.

Revolve's format is geared towards young teens who may be just starting to develop a closer relationship with the Lord and may be a bit too mainstream for many. I think that it is a good way to get teens that may be resistant to reading the bible to feast on the word of God.

***Thanks BookSneeze for the free book to review****

Adventure...

2010-02-22T11:53:00.004-05:00

In a few weeks, I will sign my first lease... OK, so it is just a sub-lease for the summer, but I still feel like a big girl! I am so excited for my Summer Holland Adventure! A summer in Holland taking classes and living with the fabulous JFey sounds right up my ally!

The next few weeks of classes prior to Guatemala are going to kick my butt, please keep me in your prayers

Welcome to the world Sophia Vivian

2010-02-16T13:36:00.003-05:00

Watching a new life take it's first breath is beyond words...

She reminds me of this...

Sophia is a miracle baby, long wished for and loved deeply...

She reminds me that there is hope...

"All my life in every season, You are still God... I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship..." -Hillsong

Love is...

2010-02-13T21:23:00.005-05:00

The gift of a sunny day in a beautiful place

With friends like this

I <3 my housemates

Happy Valentines Day!

Baby Picture Sunday

2010-02-07T11:51:00.004-05:00

This week's theme:
My Reason to Breathe is You

Well some of my MANY reasons...

Elianna... enough said (to read her story click here)

My Teachers' babies
It is life changing to know people before and after they become mothers

When I hold them... I feel the holiness of God... Holding the image of God in my arms...

The sister... her siblings... their story and the ones who came before... (my temporary babies)

The kids I am blessed to spend time with, both from my hometown and here in Holland through babysitting or daycare... Each little life, each moment, each day

The babies I have watched come into this world... (Much gratitude to my Midwife/Doula friends an amazing circle of women!)

“All women are not mothers, but all women are called to mother… to nurture, to train, to educate, to rear. As daughters of eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are – to encourage, to nurture, and mother them toward their true selves” ~Captivating

I am not a mommy, but someday I will be, whether I am blessed to give birth or not, My reason to breathe is this hope and this preparation for loving my own, by loving those who are not my own like crazy... I can only imagine how intense the love for my own will be...

Updates

2010-02-04T08:42:00.003-05:00

After reading Mckmama's story of Redemption Part I and Redemption Part II and all the other wonderful inspiring blogs from my other "Mommy Bloggers" I feel like I have been seriously neglecting this blog as of late... I remember back in the day when my blog was on yahoo 360. I blogged all the time, things worth writing and things worth reading... inspiration and time are lacking as of late. For my faithful followers I thank you and I apologize. It will get better... I hope... :)

But for now....

Updates:

LOWS

Piano Class sucked today. She counts notes diff than I have been trained so that messes me up as well as turns up her voice and piano way WAY up so I cannot hear myself play...
I am tired
I don't want to go to work (see #2)
I have $1.33 in my bank account (darn bills)

HIGHS

Baby Tryg twice this week
Over night babysitting job this weekend! Hopefully will be able to pay Febuary's bills, pay for gas to go to J's party and be able to have some fun in Chicago
Doing well so far
I am really enjoying my Dance class

Post-It Tuesday

2010-02-02T08:52:00.003-05:00

Refine me Lord through the flames

2010-01-31T22:10:00.001-05:00

The Desert Song

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Whooosh..

2010-01-30T20:11:00.003-05:00

Another busy weekend... nothing to cleaver to write about tonight. I promise someday I will get back to writing blogs worth reading!

Updates:

Hope/Calvin Rivalry GO HOPE!

Grocery shopping

Frozen pipes in the house (I called that one when I saw the holes they put in the basement this fall and covered some up with plywood when we complained about skunks getting in the basement... half-@** job= more work in the end guys!) :)

Study Study Study tomorrow...

I have 2 tests next week... please pray for me!

Bummed...

2010-01-28T15:09:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wish things were different...

that I didn't have to work
that I didn't have to go to school
that I could just go to school
that I could just work
that I didn't have to miss out on doing things
that I didn't have to say "Yes"
that I didn't have to say "No"

Just feeling sorry for myself for not being able to do something due to life circumstances...

both my fault and not

Ok... all done feeling bummed... back to living life!

2010-01-24T11:42:00.003-05:00

This week's theme is "Beautiful Mess"

For...

2010-01-20T17:51:00.004-05:00

Abby, Stellan, Tuesday, and all the other babes who have needed blood!

Post-It Tuesday!

2010-01-19T18:21:00.002-05:00

Haiti

2010-01-14T18:46:00.002-05:00

Need I say more?

I was looking for a photo to share with this post, but after a Google search turned up a photo of a family, bloodied and bruised, in a pile of rubble I could not post it here...
(http://media.ft.com/cms/e5a43aba-0027-11df-8626-00144feabdc0.jpg) for those who may need a reminder of the devastation.

Compassion International serves children and families in Haiti, more than 65,000 children in Haiti. At least a third of them live in the areas that were hardest hit. the children in Haiti are in shock and face immediate needs for food, water, medical care, shelter and counseling.

Compassion International says "We need your help immediately. Please reach out in the name of Jesus to bring relief, comfort, love and restoration to precious children and families whose lives have been devastated by this crisis."

To help out visit this link Haiti Relief

And As always, keep those in need in your prayers

Fire...

2010-01-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

I spent this evening by a warm fireplace, reading for my Perspectives class, listening to the little guy I was babysitting for breathe over the baby monitor these are my ponderings....

Someday I will have a fireplace
Someday I will have a cloth-diapered little one
God is more than good

Song of the week...

2010-01-11T13:41:00.002-05:00

Stumble After You

Would I smile if I was broken? Would I dance on crippled feet?
Would I fall too far behind again, or run a race I know I can’t complete?
Would I give if I had nothing, and could I love the ugly me?
Would I try so hard to be so strong, when I know that all I am is weak,
All I am is weak . . .
Would I clench my fist, fall down and scream at all I cannot do?
Or dry my eyes and crawl back to my feet,
And stumble after you.
Would I grin in my embarrassment, and would I laugh when the joke is me?
Could I look you in the eyes still, when my crippled legs are all that I can see,
All that I can see . . .
So take my hands if they won’t give, and take my life so I can lift you.
Take my eyes if they’re on me, please take my heart and make it bleed.
Take all this up to a hill and crucify the king of will
Till all I have runs down my face and I’m a wretch who’s drowning in your grace.

E is doing great. She is in 1st Grade. She is working hard to walk without her walker. She still uses it but not in the house. After years of Doctors, much testing and suggested diagnoses' the doctors settled that E has Spinal Cerebellar Ataxia. The great news is that they cannot figure her out. She defies all odds. So God prevails always. Her confession has always been, "I walk in Jesus name!" and sure enough he answers her prayers a day at a time. ~Amy H.

May we all learn to Stumble after the Lord in our daily struggles...
Whether we battle not feeling smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, connected enough, thin enough, thick enough, struggle for meaningful relationships, struggle against physical ailments, imperfections, spiritual weakness, shyness, fear, everyone battles something...

let's stumble together...

Cake Balls

2010-01-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

Not as Pretty as Bakerella's
But a yummy 1st try!

Reading

2010-01-11T13:14:00.002-05:00

College Reading

Real Life Reading :)

(I am so pumped about the new Kids Are Important Series about foster care and termination of parental rights for children 4-10! )

Baby Picture Sunday

2010-01-10T11:39:00.003-05:00

This week's theme: Abundance

One abundant summer I was blessed to care for 4 precious little ones (mostly) on my own. It was awesome. They are all entering their 2nd year of life now and are amazing toddlers. That summer we built, painted, snacked, splashed, laughed, cried, played hard, learned, danced, napped and grew together!

10 things to be happy about today

2010-01-05T13:26:00.002-05:00

Copied from IRL friend Listmaker's Life

Jamie is here and I am not alone... (don't tell Jobson!)
Successful and fun adventure to get JFey!
Unpacked
chatting with the lovely Brittany
internet is working (for a minute at least)
awesome class last night at the seminary
Pandora ( I have to agree with Katie on this)
Chatting with Mommy
Rose Chapstick
M&M's

20 things Bucket List

2010-01-03T20:07:00.002-05:00

This idea is partially brought to you by Single, Bereaved, Broken and Tenacious

Become more involved in midwifery
Learn to dance
Have a baby
adopt kids
be a foster mom
See Elianna again
raise enough money for Guatemala
return to the Philippines
detoxify my life
get down to 130lbs
love deeply
make a difference
graduate college
have my own place
have money in my savings
never lose touch with some people
find "the one"
Be brave daily
speak eloquently
remember to stop. breathe

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T17:27:00.002-05:00

Ending the year 2009 with:

Baby boy P. 6lbs 4oz 20 1/4 inches long

Beginning the year with:

Baby girl 9lbs 20 1/2 inches long

Life as a semi-midwife's apprentice is pretty sweet

2010 Wishes...

2009-12-31T20:18:00.004-05:00

Attend more of this to fill my soul

See more of this

Get better at this

Go to Guatemala and love on these ninos

Do WAY more of this

Assist a few more of these into the world

not have to worry about this

Take time to slow down (and smell the Tulips) :)

Chill with these amazing people

Snuggle more of these

What about You?

2009-12-28T19:38:00.003-05:00

The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."
- Sarah, from I Am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words

Today I witnessed/assisted a beautiful, peaceful birth. I felt so blessed to be able to attend a in-real-life birth instead of just reading about it an watching videos and TV shows of births. It was fantastic!

It began last night at 9pm with a phone call from my favorite Midwife. With the possibility of an opportunity to attend a home water birth of a 3rd child. At 11 labor was picking up and I got the call to head to their home.

We waited all night with little progress, (napping, laughing, and chatting) until 8am this morning when things began picking up. (fetal heart tones, BP, pulse, checks, herbal baths)

Baby Boy entered this world at 3:47 pm, blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso and despite some completions determining gestational age, is a healthy, pink, 42 week old.

So awesome!

I cannot even write about how I feel about this amazing event, words are not enough! I absolutely love the team of fabulous midwife/doulas I spent the night with. I just want to remember the details forever like:

freezing
camels and llamas
wrong ultrasounds
13lb babies
pancake placenta
2 sweet little girls becoming big sisters
cute little face delivered

My jobs:
Boiling water ("Baby can't come until the water is boiled")
charting vitals
setting up
carrying stuff
warm receiving blanket hander
BP cuff warmer
dish washer loader
Big-sisters-to-be retriever

Awesome awesome awesome.... Lord you are awesome

In LOVE...

2009-12-12T20:18:00.004-05:00

With This

Intense

Silly

Sweet

little guy
<3>

I am amazed by the awesomeness of God as I sit listening a to lullaby CD, watching this sweet little guy sleep peacefully on the baby monitor. I am in awe of his sweet personality. I feel so blessed to have the awesome responsibility to care for little Trygger. To be a part of his life. His life holds so much in store for him. He has AMAZING parents, genuine, compassionate, lifetime learner parents who have been such an influence on my life and continue to be.

I cannot help but get a bit excited and antsy for the life I long for to begin as I sit in this cozy house in my favorite city, surrounded by books of the faith, with a tiny cloth diapered baby upstairs and a big 'ol dog by my feet. This is what I was created to do, to love babies, to care for them, to live deeply...

For now, though, I will close the computer, pull out the text books and begin to study for exam week, striving to be content with where I am now in the journey... Growing in the Soil of Hope

Guatemala

2009-12-05T15:43:00.002-05:00

I am excited to share with you that I have been given the opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams by traveling with a group of women from the college to Guatemala, to work at Fundaninos Orphanage, just outside of Guatemala City. Each year during Spring Break, Hope College organizes several mission trips both in the US and abroad, this year I took a leap of faith and decided to sign up. As many of you know In 2005 I traveled to Pasig City, Philippines with a group from my church. I wrote in my journal about the trip:

I remember the stillness the most, the immense peace in the midst of the endless noise, the plane ride- long and lonely, the people always smiling, their large dark eyes seeming to see right through you. For two incredible weeks I was a World Traveler, Teacher, Dancer, Singer, Worshiper, Prayer Warrior, Daughter, Cousin, Friend, Skeptic, Photographer, Public Speaker, Exhorter, Listener, Peace Keeper, Celebrity, Scholar, Missionary.

There is nothing quite like jumping on a plane, flying around the world, working knee deep in sewage and turpentine, breathing in dense, diesel fumes, holding tiny malnourished infants, eating fish eyes and yes, even balut (eggs with chick embryos inside), singing to the Lord in a language not your own, and being surrounded by people who thank you endlessly. It is so hard to describe in words how amazing those two weeks were for my soul. Webster’s doesn’t have the right words to encapsulate the emotion, the complete paradox of it all, the vast beauty amidst the squalor, skyscrapers surrounded by squatter shacks, six story malls surrounded by children selling flowers for food, palm trees and tropical paradise engulfed with grime .That was the Philippines, those were the people who have touched my life forever, changed who I am and who I will become. I am different now; one cannot possibly stay the same after an experience of that magnitude. In fact I sincerely believe that my mission trip to the Philippines was a rescue mission for my soul.

I am looking forward to experiencing this life changing trip to Guatemala. The Fundaninos website states that this nonprofit institution’s main concern is to maintain the assistance programs for care and protection of Guatemalan children in need of help. Many of these children are fleeing abusive and neglectful homes and are placed temporarily at Fundaninos until their birth families are able to stabilize and provide the children with safe and stable homes. Others will spend the rest of their childhood at the orphanage. As a Psychology major with interest in child and family services this trip will be a great learning experience for me as well as a blessing to the institution. We will be traveling to Guatemala March 19-27, 2010.

I am asking that you would all join me in prayer during this time of preparation for the trip and while we do the Lord’s work in Guatemala. As with the Philippines trip, I am looking forward to being a witness to the power of prayer during these next few months and in the aftermath of the trip. I am asking that you would pray for us as a group to become a strong team in order to do the most good while in Guatemala, as well as for our preparations with our weekly meetings and fundraising. I was blessed to receive a stipend for the trip in the amount of $600, but still need to raise $900 dollars for the trip for a grand total of $1500. Also, if you feel led, any financial support would be appreciated
(Paypal courtneykay313@gmail.com)

Baby Picture Sunday

2009-11-29T10:56:00.003-05:00

WHY I'M THANKFUL

I am thankful for all the children in my life, past, present and future... My old foster babies, my Ellie, my sister... the daycare kids and babysitting kids that come and go and grow... My life would not be complete without each of your smiling faces, your tears, and you cuddles...

Thankful...

2009-11-27T10:37:00.007-05:00

Miracles

Happy Babies

Beautiful Children

Silly Children

Snuggles

Friends

Family

The Dance

"My" Kids

The Song

Memories

Sleepy Babies

Coming Full Circle

Sisters

My People

Grandmas

Pastors... near and far

Baby Picture Sunday

2009-11-22T16:15:00.001-05:00

This week's theme:
Pretty as a Picture